I always fuck everything up. Somehow or other, everything I touch is either bad for me, or I mess it up. I don't understand how. I'm not clear enough, or I'm too clear.
John wanted me to be able to joyfully be a masochist, and maybe what he wanted and what I thought he wanted were different, but I couldn't do it. And it left this hole in my heart. And so, Maginot line style, I forced myself to do that with Ben, and that just numbed my soul. I met someone for a 2nd date this week and I had a drink (big mistake) and talked too much and he disappeared (and if you frenchkiss someone good-bye--I think it is kind to drop an e-mail and say "I think we are looking for different things").
And then Steven. Oh, god. Oh, god. How the hell did I mess that one up? But I did. And now I'm crying and that is making the sunscreen run in my eyes, which is making me cry worse. When the hell did I get too old to cry without sunscreen running in my eyes?
Steven wanted to get together yesterday and I was scared it would be till Monday when he'd send me another e-mail and basically said I couldn't sleep with him last night--I needed to know it wouldn't be just for a night. And then today it seems like I miscommunicated or didn't understand or something. But he says it is over. Period. Clean break. And I'm left with sunscreen in my eyes.
It seems the only man that can tolerate me is my ex. And I just don't think he is healthy for me.
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