Trivialities: Waiting for Godot

There is a sense of waiting. Waiting for e-mails. Waiting for a job that may or may not come. Waiting to figure out what my ex will do, what Steven will do (he has been flirting with me more, of late, which alternates between exhilarating and agonizing), and what, of course, I will do in response to all of that.

Intellectually, it feels gossipy and trivial. Emotionally, it has me teetering.

Right now, I also seem to have several men who are protective and/or admiring of me. For the last 6 months, I've consistently had several younger men who followed my writing and some of them seemed to almost look up to me in a 'yeah--I want to be there (or have someone who is there) in 10 years' sort of way. Lately, though, I seem to have a couple of older men who are protective of me and a few more men from around the country that send really nice notes.

So I hope this is portentous, but it feels agonizing. Intellectually, I know I had 2 dates this week--not bad. Emotionally, I'm like a roller coaster. I don't know what to do.

Part of me wants to cut it off with all the men currently in my life. My ex made a heroic attempt at cherishing me this week, but even if he did for a week, I seriously doubt he could make that his default mode in the erotic realm. I don't want to accuse him over what happened when we were together, but, when I'm quite blue, I can feel the outline of his hand hitting me across my cheek and telling me to shut up. I don't want to shut up. I want someone who likes my playful, silly side.

Meanwhile, Steven comes up with the most delicious propositions I can think of. He sent an e-mail yesterday that made me want to just crawl in a cave and hibernate with him till spring, but I can't get together with him, get dumped, get together with him, get dumped, and repeat, and repeat, and repeat. I haven't got it in me. I feel as if we ought to be able to figure out a way to be together but he keeps switching what he wants.