Wow--Excited and Nervous

I have a date with the eharmony guy tomorrow night, and I'm nervous! I really like this man. He is bright, engaging, optimistic, and seems to actually see some of me. He really likes my writing (and that is just on eharmony, and some emails) and he writes really well too. I think we'd have a lot in common (we are in complementary professions), and we could support each other.

And the whole 'how-the-hell-do-you-talk-about-sex' thing looms large. Very large. First of all, I'm not sure if I know how to fall in crush with a gentleman off the dance floor. If said gentleman is strong, turns me the way he wants me to go, lifts up my chin when I look down, brushes some hair out of my face, then, perhaps. But if said gentleman lets me control the situation, I will lose interest. And the thing is, I will try to control the situation. I really will. I wish I wouldn't, but I will. I will test him to get a sense of how strong he is. (And if he is strong, I will test him to get a sense of whether or not he would take good care of me.) I wish I didn't work that way, but it is like having a pint of Ben & Jerry's in the freezer--I'd eat it, even if I'd wish I wouldn't. That is just how I work.

I've sort of tried to figure out how I might drop hints. So far, he has had two. The first is my eharmony profile, which says:

• What I'm looking for includes: it wouldn't hurt if you had an evil streak and wanted to do unspeakable things to me, if we were serious about each other.
• 5 things I can't live without includes: Fabulous, frequent, faithful sex, vanilla +++
  
• And most private thing I'm willing to admit says: I want a true partnership of equals in the world, even as I yearn for someone to sweep me off my feet and take charge on the dance floor and in our erotic lives. Working out that balance of power--when is it appropriate to lead, when to follow and when to row together is a tough one, and one I think our society is scared to talk honestly about. I welcome that honest dialog, not because I know the answers, but because it is darn important.

So, really. That kind of says it all, right? Then, at one point, I said "I'm really blunt! We've already talked about religion and politics, so I guess we should move on to money and sex!" I was joking, but, I was also trying to reinforce that last point. He says he has re-read my profile on several occasions, and that it what the best-written profile he's read. If he has really, really read it, he has to kind of know, right? I mean, that isn't exactly written in Esperanza or something. Do vanilla people talk about 'working out that balance of power," and hoping someone had an 'evil streak' wanting to do 'unspeakable things' to me? What else would that mean?

Anyway, if we have chemistry (or maybe even if we don't tomorrow), I want to try to let this work. But, I think the way that I'll introduce it, if he doesn't by the third or forth date would be if he asks about my ex and why we broke up. Sooner or later, that seems to get asked. I will say that honestly, we each failed each other in a specific way. I was unable to support my ex as he pursued his dream. (And I honestly feel partially justified and partially bad about that.) And he was unable to fulfill my erotic core. I really don't like the idea of waiting until 3 or 6 month anniversary to bring up the whole kinky thing. That seems to be dissembling to the point of dishonesty.

The next question is this blog. I think that if we worked, I might delete it. I'm trying to figure it out. I did mention that I blogged occasionally. But I also left the impression that I blog on political matters, which I do at least a few times a year! I tried to say it so that it wasn't a lie, but you can't say "I blog about how I feel about sex and dating, but I'm not going to tell you where--nee ner, nee ner, nee ner." That is just too mean.

On the kinky websites, I'm comfortable saying "yeah, I blog about this stuff. No one who knows me gets to see it" and leaving it at that. But this feels differently. If I couldn't say that, I couldn't keep the blog. And frankly, I feel like I might need to delete it before we got serious about each other. I wouldn't want to sleep with someone and not know he was publishing a blog about it, nor that the entire world knew what made him tick, but I didn't get to. It is really, really important to me to not lie. I dissemble about little things, mostly about trying to give the impression that I'm not as smitten with a man as I might be. I may act a little more nonchalant than I actually feel at a given time and attempt to pretend I haven't checked my e-mail 48 times before the 12:00 noon cutoff in my head that will tell me whether he wants to see me again. But that isn't lying. But having a blog about sex and dating and never mentioning it, that seems like lying to me.

Overall, though, I'm clearly excited about him, or else I wouldn't be up this late on a Sunday night. And I'm excited to be excited about a vanilla man who clearly cherishes me already. I think it would be easier to teach him to dominate me than teach a dominate man to cherish me.