This pull has run through much of my interactions with men for the last few years. On the one hand, I want to be open, trusting and able to connect deeply. On the other hand I want to protect myself. Rightfully so.
The fact is, men create bitches. What I'm beginning to see is that men divide women into two categories: "hot" or "not." And the "not"s are most of the women, most of the time. When a 'not' becomes 'hot' to an individual guy, it is lovely (if he treats her nicely). I'm still a 'not' to 60% of the population (whereas I used to be a 'not' to 99% of the population). But, and I shouldn't say this, but it's true, in the kinky world, the standards are lower. Maybe I'm a 6 or a 7 in the vanilla world. But I'm a 9 in the kinky world.
(Since my weight and size comes up, I'm a size 14 or 16 (very rarely, a 12), depending on the manufacturer. This means I wear a large to extra large in the regular sizes. There was a time when I was bigger--size 20 at my height. It is a huge difference in how people treat me, but I don't feel any different! I don't exercise any more--I just moved from avoiding fat to avoiding carbs. Aside from my size, I'm actually pretty beautiful. And I photograph well.)
But men don't just create bitches. They like them. Just like women often fall for the 'bad-boy-with-a-heart-of-gold' (see Dirty Dancing, for example), men want the woman who is a bitch to everyone but him. I used to try to do all this work to stay open and vulnerable. To not be a bitch. To not let one man's inappropriate behavior impact how I dealt with another man. Lately, I've been saying "ah, to hell with it. Y'all are assholes unless you can prove to me you ain't." The thing that surprised me is how many more men are pursuing me than when I tried so hard not to be bitchy.
Of course, the other issue is that I've fallen a little for Michael. (Michael is someone I knew long ago who popped into my life more recently. I flirted with him long ago because I could tell he was kinky, but he had no clue I was. Recently, I dropped a hint that we were simpatico in that area, and he said a few things that indicated we might be more than just friends, but hasn't followed through with any of it.) Intellectually, I know how foolish it is. His actions (despite his words) bely any hope I might have. And I swore after Edmund that I wouldn't do that again!!!
So here I am. Bitchy on the outside. But sweet on the inside. Not interested in the guys that want me and pining for a guy that doesn't care. It'll be an interesting summer.
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1 comment:
Isnt it funny how we cannot just be who we are. We always need to put up some form of a front in life.
Men do create bitches, just as women create assholes. We have all been left with that wretched taste in our mouthes that we cannot shake and makes us who we are.
The hot or not debate is a funny one as well. Go back to Victorian days and look at the paintings of women...no skinny skanks there! Besides, bondage is only fun if there is something to bind!
I love the comment about photographing well....makes me wonder for a second if I choose the right option! But after a minute it passes and I realize that the picture that your words portray is a much more accurate picture of who you are than your picture anyway.
Just rememeber.....The bitch the man has to work a little for!
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