The Republican

The Republican seems to be slightly back.

And part of me says "run!" Run hard and run fast!

And the other part of me feels that something inside me broke with him. I pretty much lost my sex drive after that. I miss the person I was with him and I want that part of me back and don't know how to find it.

I've been quite clear with him on what my requirements are and that he has to meet my requirements first. I've never really had that level of confidence before. I didn't say it, but the undercurrent was "you've spent the last couple of months obviously thinking about me. I can tell you want me more than I want you. So here's the deal."

In a relationship where one person would give up the power to the other, the person surrendering the power needs to know that their needs would be met first. And the fact that he has contacted me regularly means that he is clearly smitten enough with me that maybe he would take it my way. We both want the same destination--it is the journey to get there we can't seem to agree on.

It's funny--he is SO obsessed with not wasting time. He really, really doesn't want to waste time on anyone who isn't going to turn out to be what he wants. He is like the guy version of the gal who demands to know exactly where it is going because her biological clock is ticking and she can't possibly waste a month getting to know someone that isn't going to lead to kids! Ionesco would have had fun setting the two of them up on a date. So would Jerry Seinfeld.

At the same time, I've been spending more and more time with the ex. And we have fun together. It is a shame that we have different sexual turn-ons and don't have the same goals for the future.

But part of me feels like if I can stay strong I'll meet someone that will really click with me. Both my ex and the Republican would be unhealthy in different ways and I shouldn't go that way. But truth be told, there is a third man. Who is very sweet and very kind. Who I met on a vanilla site, but he picked up on the clues and has gone out of his way to assuage any concerns I might have, both about whether he picked up on the clues and about whether he would cherish and protect me. And, as horrible as I feel saying this, he bores me. What the hell is wrong with me? Why would I be more interested in the asshole than the sweet guy? (Now, granted, the asshole/Republican (and you know, listening to McCain's speech--I do think they are synonymous), we spent a lot more time together. I'm definitely going to give this man time to see what happens, and maybe he'll get under my skin. But I just don't see how he'll begin to intrigue me.

And part of me feels like that is foolish. I must compromise so that I don't just end up alone, with only my regrets. I'm going away for 2 weeks. I've never been a 'just have a fling while on vacation' type, so maybe something will become clearer about my life by the time I get back.