An explanation and a checklist

I was re-reading an earlier posting, and I've updated it to more accurately reflect what I felt from a less analytical point of view. But, I never felt like John was just handsome and smart and had a good job so I wanted to go out with him. If I wanted a checklist, I'd date the young'un (and encourage him to not give up his 6 figure a year job, even though he is miserable in it.) I didn't mean that. I adored John deeply. To my core. For a time, it felt like those animated cartoons in Hedwig and the Angry Inch, where someone has been cut from half of themself. I loved his willingness to open up with me, the way he allowed me to open up with him and hold me with that vulnerability. I loved the speed of our conversations. The understated sense of humor. The expansive nature of our conversations. And the subtext that wiitwd was part of both of who we are but not an all-encompassing part. And that, in a way, we were both playing at it.

One time he implied that I was just fine the way I was. That I didn't need to be shaped or molded by a guy, the way most D/s guys end up trying to do it. And the idea that someone like him could think someone like me was just fine the way I was, it was a gift.

But I was able to keep some sense of emotional resilience (months after it fell apart) in the mess that was John and my's often beautiful and yearning, but confused and mistaken attempt at going together, because I never expected someone quite as handsome and having life together so well as that.

I think we all have checklists of what we are looking for. But mine doesn't include being handsome or wealthy. It includes integrity and a joy in daily life and sparkling, exciting, engaging, sexy conversations.