Getting Older

I listened to a talk by the chancellor of the state university that I attended and he seemed so... reasonable. Intelligent. Well-meaning. Balancing many different issues and doing the best he could.

Then, one of my friends started criticizing Obama and I said something like "he's balancing a lot of things--I think we should give him the benefit of the doubt. I trust him."

WTF? When did I get to be so old? Is youth more than rebelling against authority, whatever that authority may be? Intellectually, I'd say yes, but emotionally, it feels like I'm turning a new chapter and have to find new definitions of myself.

Meanwhile--back in my melodrama land. The last commenter was right. John just isn't that into me. And it is unfair of me to be pulling at him emotionally. I have to let the idea go of being with him. And I'm trying!!! It is hard. Really hard. I so wish I could go back in time and not have been scared when we first meant. Of course, that would mean not have been being me. But I don't understand why that fear I had has to define everything. Why he can't forgive me for that. Or maybe that isn't the issue; I have tried to give him his privacy and not be an insane stalker chick. But he was into me then and he isn't into me now. And I guess that's just that.

(And, I suppose the fact that I'm blogging more means that I'm taking a baby step towards moving on.)

My ex called and left me a meandering voice mail today. He finally acknowledged that we broke up twice, which sort of confirmed my view of things. He also said something like "you always said you were damaged when we were together this last time. You aren't. I realized I like fucked-up chicks and you just aren't fucked up enough for me."

Two things:
I said damaged, but I think perhaps "wounded" more aptly described how I felt. I feel like, on some level, I've been deeply hurt on a number of levels, and I had been hurt by my ex. I do feel like I need some healing before I can go back to the primal, submissive, slightly masochistic, playful, intense and erotically voracious gal. I sort of have a sense of how I would get there, but it seems like it starts vanilla and then turns into kink, but I don't know if I'd ever find anyone willing to just support me with lots of cuddling and gentle warmth, and then turn around, grab my hair and take me however he wanted, and taking me by my favorite places along the way.

Second:
Isn't it funny--my was trying to be kind. And yet, all I hear is yet another something I've done wrong. "You aren't _____________ enough" has been a mantra of criticism I've heard, so even when "fucked up" goes in the blank, it is still criticism. Yet another reason that I'm essentially unlovable. Intellectually, I know he never intended that. And frankly, I wouldn't want to be so wounded that I would have stayed with my ex. But I still feel like "Oh--that's what's wrong with me!"