Looks and Personality

So OKCupid (the only on-line dating site I currently do) has this thing called "Quickmatch" where you give each person 1-5 stars based on pics and a truncated profile.

I generally, if I like someone enough that I think I might have coffee, give at least 4, even if I don't think their looks really are a '4' because it doesn't matter if they're a 2 or a 3 if I think we'd click. (To me, a "1" is "someone I couldn't really think I could date for whatever reason".) If both people give the other one at least a 4 in any category, the site e-mails both to tell them.

The vast majority of the time, you get 2 e-mails--one for looks and one for personality both being 4 or 5 stars. And, honestly, nothing more ever happens than that. I never e-mail 'cause I figure if he were interested, he'd e-mail me. And that's that.

So the really weird thing is, I've been getting a few of these where the guy likes my looks and not my personality! And even weirder--younger, cuter guys like my looks and older guys who aren't as cute like personality. Tonight, a 30 year old, very handsome Indian man liked my looks. And honestly, if he'd liked my personality too, I might have dropped him a note. He has a lively, light-filled, vibrant face and an engaged, grounded profile. Meanwhile a not-nearly-as-handsome 41 year old liked my personality. They were both the same height. The 41 year old has a lot less hair than the 30 year old and a look from the 70s. All of which might have been OK, except I'm not cute enough for him!

And I'm like--what the heck is going on? On two levels. The first is, I'd say I'm totally in the 41 year old's league, but there are a lot of older men out there who are far more picky about looks than the men in their 30s. Weird. And I wouldn't think I'd be in the 30 year old's league (not just based on age--I tend to prefer men my own age or a little older--the 30 year old is much more handsome).

Now, I expect men to reject me for my looks. That doesn't surprise me. But to like my looks and not like what I've written, that actually really surprises me. It doesn't surprise me that someone would not like my personality once we've met. I can be pretty intense. Say, just as a hypothetical example, if someone was a Republican and voted for McCain and started explaining that Sarah Palin was qualified, in some way, and I starting laughing and got some mimosa in my nose, and it burnt a little and tickled a little and, with the alcohol, I just couldn't stop laughing and then tried to stop, but then was like stifling a laugh at the whole Palin=qualified thing. And he actually thought she was qualified. Yeah, I could see why someone might not like it.

But my personality in my profile is, like, really damn good! Like a few people e-mailing me to say it's the best profile they've ever read good. I mean, I know how to occasionally use the keyboard.

So the whole thing just startles me.

Meanwhile, on the "John" front, we resolved our heated argument. I wish I could say we 'kissed and made up" but the kiss part didn't happen. I'm really proud of myself for telling him what I needed. A couple of other times similar things happened and I didn't because I didn't want to be demanding. But, if any friend I hadn't been romantically interested had done something similar, I'd be like "Hey--I need this." But he stuck through it with me. And I care about him more than ever. I just keep feeling like, well, why would he be willing to process an argument if he doesn't care. At least on some level? Why would he waste his time with me, if he doesn't care?

And I have this absolute fear that I'll finally meet someone I sort of like, and start going out with this other person, and then, just as I start to get emotionally sticky with this new guy, John will read my old blog postings at two the morning and it will turn out there was some misunderstanding and he and I will have missed each other again. And I will have to live with wondering what might have been for the rest of my life.