Stasis continues

Finally met Zachary. What a waste of energy. But I'm trying to figure out if I weren't still stuck on John if I'd be interested in Zachary. I don't think so, but it is possible.

He didn't remember stuff I'd told him 3 times. Important stuff. Like when I took a pill for pain, he asked what it was for and I was like "My ankle" and he was like "You hurt your ankle?" But I know I've told him that at least 2 and probably 4 times. And frankly, I didn't notice anything he had remembered from our conversations. Nothing built off the other conversations.

He believes in the 9-11 conspiracy theories with no evidence more than 'what I read on the internet.' I can't stand this sort of generalized paranoia that thinks Bush planned 9-11 (because he was just so competent he could pull something like that off?) and Cheney murders babies and drinks their blood. Anyone that makes me defend Bush makes me hate the person that forced me to do it. What is SO hard about having facts and evidence to back up your paranoia? He heard on the radio that there was a bomb the morning of 9-11 at the WTC so it must be true? Because no one reported wrong news that day?

It didn't help that his pictures were 10 years old. And I get paranoid if I don't have something less than 6 months up.

Instead of taking time with make-up this morning (I actually forgot to wear earrings!), I wrote John a long e-mail, saying something along the lines of 'look--I don't want you to read my blog in 4 months and find out we both wanted the same thing and we just messed it up again.' The secrets of a girl's 'drafts' folder. I broke up with my ex almost a month before he broke up with me, and never sent it. There are several e-mails to John there that, for better or worse, were never sent.

Funny things is, though, we went to a restaurant with lots of mirrors, and I looked really cute! I mean, really, really cute! My self image of myself is one of Renoir women. Plump, but beautiful and vulnerable. And I didn't really recognize myself. I wouldn't have called myself plump--just pretty cute!

A guy I'm nominally flirting with (if he lived less than 1,000 miles away, I wouldn't bother because he isn't my type--I eat meat and he doesn't think people should) said yesterday that I was 'totally doable' and it was a nice compliment. Not if he lived within dating distance, but outside of dating distance, it is.

So it is back to the status quo of adoring John and finding no one that can compare to him. Something will have to break the stasis. It always does. Life is not a Chekhov play.