Round and round and round in the circle game

So "John" and I had a fight. Sort of. For me it qualified. I even cried. Stupid as it was. For him, I have a feeling it wasn't a big deal--a few cranky e-mails. But it does make me realize, at least for a moment, that he is right and we can't really be together.

For background, we were having a REALLY fun, smart argument, like in the legal sense of the word, about the economy. Each of us argued our side, which disagreed with the other. And then I cut and paste a couple of articles and it insulted him.

I tend to do that sort of thing--assume I have no credibility and I need other people to back up my arguments. It was part and parcel of my post-graduate education and I do it without thinking about it. He thought I meant that I didn't think he was as well informed. And he got mad at me. I over-react, SO much, to that sort of thing. (Although I think maybe we each pushed each other's buttons and each over-reacted.)

And I can see myself and John repeating the exact same dynamic my mother and father have.

Or maybe that is a lens I use to try and understand what is going on.

Either way--my dad thinks my mom is perfect and life is perfect and everything is perfect, until suddenly, life sucks and nothing my mom does is at all acceptable and she is a horrible, controlling, evil woman, the female equivalent of Dick Cheney water-boarding all the men in her life and then all of a sudden she's perfect. (Now, I should say, my parents are aware of this cycle and are working actively to change it. But it informed their relationship when I was growing up, and my dad, to a lesser extent, had that 'perfect/dreadful' dichotomy towards me as well.)

But for me it means that I really over-react to criticism. Criticism of just about any kind means "I always thought there was something wrong with you and now I know that you are inherently unlovable." My mom says when I was born she told me "You don't have to be perfect to be loved." Unfortunately, she felt the need to say it because everything else in my life told me "be perfect, or you'll never be loved."

I used to be surprised when a man would stay with a woman who, like, got cancer and lost her hair. It didn't really occur to me that a man would do something like that. Why wouldn't they just go get someone healthy, with hair? Woman are, deep-down, interchangeable, aren't they? Intellectually, I don't believe it. But emotionally, it is something that has affected me.

And then, you add all my fucked-up-ness. John got mad at me for throwing too many articles at him. And I've always known I was too engaged in issues. Way too opinionated! Cared too much. Talk too fast. Talk too loud. All those things that make me unfeminine. Why do I have to care about ideas? Why can't I just giggle and say "I hadn't thought of it that way? Thank you for taking the time to explain it to me." And smile. Then I'd be lovable. Not for who I really am, but the fake me might be loved.

It's odd. My ex used to have knock-down, drag-out fights with his ex-wife. But he and I NEVER fought like that because the second he'd get mad at me, I'd cower and apologize, and it would totally neutralize the situation. Then we could talk about it rationally and solve the problem. Like something out of a textbook. We were kind of amazing that way. All these "I feel _____" statements. But we weren't in love with each other. Textbook communication is a lot easier when there isn't as much at stake.