Wow! Whoah! Wow!

In college I met the only man I regret not slipping with ;we'll call him "Zachary!" And we'll put the exclamation point at the end of his name, because he always did.

So Zachary! was married to a lesbian, in an open relationship (I think for financial reasons), and he pursued me for 3 years. And for a couple of months I flirted with him because, well, he was very seductive. One day he put a pencil up to my face as if to put on eyeliner under my eye, and I looked away from the pencil as he ran it along under my eye and managed to not blink. And then he ran his hand along my cheek and every cell in my body melted. One of the most intensely erotic, 'surrender' moments in my life.

And I kissed him once, and it was an amazing kiss. And then I freaked out. For two reasons, one is that I've never wanted an open relationship and two is that I thought I would get clingy and couldn't handle an open relationship. He is the only man I clearly had the opportunity to sleep with that I ever think about, that part of me regrets. Intellectually I think I probably made the right choice (for the second reason), but he appeared in my dreams repeatedly for a decade.

And this week, I've met another Zachary. Same name, same hair. Different man (who does believe that Monogamy is more than a Parker's Brothers' Board Game). We're having dinner on Monday. And this man has the depth of John. We've talked about things that matter. Hopes, vulnerabilities, successes and insecurities. (We're both shameless show-offs on our personal ads--we both have a photo with one of the top 100 celebrities in the world--although he actually worked with his celebrity and I just got a 5 minute conversation with mine. Oh, and I should say, I respect and admire my celebrity--I believe s/he's really important--it isn't just cynical star-fucking, but I just say 'celebrity' because otherwise it is too easy to figure out who she is.)

Zachary seems more vanilla than I am, but then I think maybe I'm more vanilla than I thought I was. And he totally agreed with the GGG label on my ad, so who knows?

And I'm like "What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fucking, fucking fuck" to quote Jerry Spring, the opera (not my celebrity). Damn damn damn damn. Now, chances are, it won't work. Chances are we'll meet and something will be off (he's a decade older than I am, but that seems OK). But it is SO confusing. It's the first time I've been excited to go on a date with someone since, well, John.

I adore John. I miss him. We haven't talked or e-mailed since Saturday, aside from a couple of little things, and I feel like life is a little less bubbly. If he and I have a chance to be together, ... I don't want to go off with some guy based on a few good e-mail and phone conversations. But I don't know what John wants. But I think he doesn't either, but it isn't me. If he wanted me, he'd know it.

Part of me thinks John wishes he could be attracted to me, but he's just not. That is the best rational explanation for his behaviour that I can deduce. Part of me feels like I'm cheating on him because emotionally I haven't been seeing other people, even when I've gone through the motions of like going on dates. I wish I could just sit him down and say "what's up?" but I think if I did that, it would destroy any chance we might have because emotionally, I feel like we might have a chance, even though my intellect screams "He's just not that into you."

Part of me, a cynical parts, says--play the field. Men are always more interested in someone that is harder to get. But there is a human toll, not just to me, but also to someone who seems like a good man. I wouldn't want to do that. I feel like I owe it to him to figure out exactly what is going on with John before I agree to see him, although I know that is silly. Dinner is not a commitment.

And, of course, if I did get involved with someone else, it might give John what I think he might want, which is me as a truly platonic friend with no pressures for a romantic relationship. If I were in a relationship with someone else, and I felt like John and I could be friends without flirting or hurting that relationship, I'd relish it. I just don't know if I can be attracted to other men if I'm seeing John at all.

It seems good to actually be mildly interested in someone. It is the first man since the Republican (aside from John), that I've been interested in. But what a mess!