Ah, well...

Well, he never did call me. I don't know why, and I'm quite blue. I'll get over it, but I wish I understood. I wish there was something I could do. Something.

I really, really liked that man!

There are times I hate being a woman. I wish I could try to win him, but I know, I would just be the crazy one. I wish I could ask him why. Why? Why did he say all those things he wanted to do, and then not call? Could I have done something differently? Could I do something differently?

I had a dream that he said I was too fat for him.

I'm OK. No tears even. But disappointment. I was tempted to consider asking him if he wanted something that was no strings attached, but I realized, I'm just not that kind of girl. It would break my heart. Even if we didn't have sex, I would become more and more attached to him. He opened me up and I felt like we were pretty magical together.

Damnit

Yeah. He didn't call or e-mail. And yesterday I e-mail him because I had an extra theater ticket and he didn't e-mail back. So that is clear.

I really, really don't get it. And I'm really disappointed.

It is hard to open up like that. To just surrender. For everything to feel like it clicked. And then not understand why.

I don't know what to do with that. I don't want to shut myself off to experiences like that by trying to 'protect' myself. But I don't know how to protect myself. Or maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe that pain is part of the pain of being fully alive.

I didn't really date till about 6 years ago, because men didn't really think I was attractive till about 6 years ago, when I made some changes in my work life and stopped with this insatiable need to prove myself. (It became only a constant need to prove myself--I still wanted to prove myself, though.)

And of course I now play Friday night (and Saturday morning) through the lens of my insecurities. I seem to think that either if I was thinner or if I was less complicated, he would be interested in seeing me again. He actually rubbed my tummy and I didn't freak out about it. It was lovely, actually. And I didn't do a full airing of the angsts, but I did set a few limits. And when I started to breathe too quickly and recognized it as the signs of a panic attack, I let him know.

I'm frankly kind of shocked he didn't call me. I really am. But there it is.

Waiting

Sometimes I'm embarrassed by what a stereotypical chick I am. I must have checked my iPhone about 100 times this weekend for e-mail. (My regular e-mail dings when I have a message, but the e-mail I use for dating does not.)

Intellectually, I think he'll call. When we started to get a little more intense physically, he pulled back and said this was a tease for later. He also said he was going to buy toys for us to use. And wants to find a Pro-Domme to show me how to do some of the things he liked. (He mentioned he had seen a pro-Domme a few times--I suggested it would be a good idea. He ran with it.)

But emotionally, oy ee vay!!! All I can say is, I'm very glad that I can take my phone with me instead of waiting at home by the phone. I can't even imagine how crazy it must have been in the days before answering machines!

I did, however, take off John's ring. I'm wearing a ring my dad gave me years ago. There were several times on Friday night (and Saturday morning) that John's ring pressed against me. It is time. It is in a beautiful little box, in another box of sentimental things from people I've loved. I hope to ask the universe for his blessing. But it was time.

Being Present

So the new guy hasn't called me, and it's been over 24 hours. lol. I am fairly confident that he will call. And if he doesn't, well, I had a magical night.

What I really want to do with this relationship is enjoy the present while I'm with him, rather than plan for the future. Of course, part of me is scared that when he saw me undressed, he was less interested. But I don' think so. He seemed far more enticed by the glint in my eyes when I undid his belt. And he said he was going to buy toys for us to use. And he would find a pro-domme to teach me how to be a domme.

And he would make me write while I was naked and uncomfortable. (I have a couple of articles I need to finish and haven't been.) And his dating profile said he wanted to have kids.

We didn't have sex, which is good. He didn't let me take off any more of his clothes than his belt. So if he doesn't call, I will be sad and confused. But I'll be OK.

But I think with John, and maybe a few other times, I've been more focused on building a future than enjoying the present. And this man--let's call him David--David seduced and claimed me in a delicious way. And I have a feeling that he would like more. At the present moment, I'm greedy and want more. Much more. Last night I was out with another guy and I just wanted to run over to David's apartment and jump in his bed. But I guess I care enough about the future to not be that enticed by the present moment.

Wow!

So there's this guy (what a shock) that I've been flirting with for a couple of months on-line. Long e-mails. Intense. Lots of great details. We met on a vanilla dating site, but it was quite clear that each had kink in our profiles (although he picked up mine from a mention of Anne Rice as authors that I like). We never sussed out the details however.

So we finally had dinner tonight. We talked about a lot of things, but mostly about Britain versus America. But he mentioned kink--not in a "let's go through a checklist" way--we were actually talking about past therapists, and he said he had one he'd freaked out with kink. As we talked, it seemed more of his interests, or at least experiences, were as a bottom. But I asked, and it became clear that he was more of a switch, and I said I could switch for the right man.

Over drinks, he started to play with my cheek and I melted into the floor. Just melted. Melted enough that I gulped an alcoholic drink a little bit later. And then as we were talking, he pushed me against a wall and just from him kissing me, I blurted out 'whatever you say.' And he took me up on that.

I went to his apartment. (This was so unplanned, I hadn't shaved my legs for several days and was wearing plain cotton underwear and Spanx.) And he proceeded to have me undress and 'inspect' his new toy. We didn't have sex (not even oral sex--when I say not even oral sex--I mean me giving head--me getting oral sex is much more emotionally fraught than me giving)--I was really clear about that. Part of me wants to just trust and let whatever happen, but it just doesn't work for me. I'm sure part of it is my innate puritanism. But it is more than that. I'm getting clearer that I can submit and still take care of myself. He didn't even get undressed.

We talked a lot, but not in a checklist sort of way. But I did tell him I had baggage and going into these realms meant baggage could come up and what the signs of a panic attack for me were. And he spanked me for my birthday (but not too hard-playful showy affectionate). And I mentioned I hadn't been spanked since Bush was in office, and he said this was all a tease and foreplay. And he said he was going to buy toys.

He totally got the tone. Holy shit, did he get the tone. Oh my God. Except he's agnostic and so am I. (We don't believe in very different gods, however. He doesn't believe in a Jewish god and I don't believe in a Christian god, modeled on the cover of the My Fair Lady cast album and a bald Santa Clause, but we seem to think that we don't have to kill each other over which God we don't believe in.)

He made it very clear that it would be important for him that we switch sometimes. Which I actually think could be fun. And he said "I don't have any toys for you to play with" and I, playing naive and innocent (I don't know why I enjoy playing naivety so much) said 'really? Nothing?' while I undid his belt. And I told him to buy licorice strings. And next time I'm going to tie his hands up and hit him with the belt until he breaks the licorice strings. He said he was looking forward to the evil glint in my eye. And I think it really could be fun. I could love this man. And I think he could love me too.

One foot in front of the other

I don't have much to say, but my horoscope said I should update my blog.

I think I'm making changes for the better. But I feel like I'm trudging through mud.

And my birthday is this week, and I have no one to spend it with. Not even friends--they are all out of town. My only plan for my birthday is to have a cupcake. And I've been looking forward to that cupcake for weeks now. That feels rather pathetic. And I'm definitely feeling the social assumptions that come with age. I don't think I look my age. (I'm pretty sure I don't--I got carded the last time I went to a bar. I'm sure I don't look under 21, but early 30s seems reasonable. But I do have wrinkles when I smile. They go away when I'm not smiling, but definitely have them under my eyes whenever I'm smiling even a little bit.)

I don't feel anywhere near 40. But then, what, exactly does '40' feel like? I still can't quite believe I'm nearing that number, though. I'm beginning to understand my friends that lie about their ages.

But I do think some things are shifting for me right now.

Work is difficult, and part of the reason it is difficult is that my boss is being a jerk and I'm not standing up to him. A client filed a complaint that I started a meeting on-time (instead of having the entire meeting of 15 people wait until she arrived) and my boss took it seriously! Seriously!

I don't stand up for myself. And I'm recognizing that as a pattern. I feel like my job would be in jeopardy if I did in this instance. But the flip-side is that my job is in jeopardy if I don't, because I have a history of getting pissed off (over a several-year period), not doing anything and quitting. I still haven't said anything to my boss, and I don't think I can go over his head. But at least I'm recognizing this patter of mine.

I also have several men who seem to be interested in me. None of whom I'm particularly smitten with. One man is a vegan studying to become a nutritionist and the other is a junk food junkie. The former I went out with a couple of times a year ago, and then I broke up with him and he asked me for another chance. It is nice to be pursued. But I don't know that that is enough. But it is nice to feel like I'm attractive.