Wow!

So there's this guy (what a shock) that I've been flirting with for a couple of months on-line. Long e-mails. Intense. Lots of great details. We met on a vanilla dating site, but it was quite clear that each had kink in our profiles (although he picked up mine from a mention of Anne Rice as authors that I like). We never sussed out the details however.

So we finally had dinner tonight. We talked about a lot of things, but mostly about Britain versus America. But he mentioned kink--not in a "let's go through a checklist" way--we were actually talking about past therapists, and he said he had one he'd freaked out with kink. As we talked, it seemed more of his interests, or at least experiences, were as a bottom. But I asked, and it became clear that he was more of a switch, and I said I could switch for the right man.

Over drinks, he started to play with my cheek and I melted into the floor. Just melted. Melted enough that I gulped an alcoholic drink a little bit later. And then as we were talking, he pushed me against a wall and just from him kissing me, I blurted out 'whatever you say.' And he took me up on that.

I went to his apartment. (This was so unplanned, I hadn't shaved my legs for several days and was wearing plain cotton underwear and Spanx.) And he proceeded to have me undress and 'inspect' his new toy. We didn't have sex (not even oral sex--when I say not even oral sex--I mean me giving head--me getting oral sex is much more emotionally fraught than me giving)--I was really clear about that. Part of me wants to just trust and let whatever happen, but it just doesn't work for me. I'm sure part of it is my innate puritanism. But it is more than that. I'm getting clearer that I can submit and still take care of myself. He didn't even get undressed.

We talked a lot, but not in a checklist sort of way. But I did tell him I had baggage and going into these realms meant baggage could come up and what the signs of a panic attack for me were. And he spanked me for my birthday (but not too hard-playful showy affectionate). And I mentioned I hadn't been spanked since Bush was in office, and he said this was all a tease and foreplay. And he said he was going to buy toys.

He totally got the tone. Holy shit, did he get the tone. Oh my God. Except he's agnostic and so am I. (We don't believe in very different gods, however. He doesn't believe in a Jewish god and I don't believe in a Christian god, modeled on the cover of the My Fair Lady cast album and a bald Santa Clause, but we seem to think that we don't have to kill each other over which God we don't believe in.)

He made it very clear that it would be important for him that we switch sometimes. Which I actually think could be fun. And he said "I don't have any toys for you to play with" and I, playing naive and innocent (I don't know why I enjoy playing naivety so much) said 'really? Nothing?' while I undid his belt. And I told him to buy licorice strings. And next time I'm going to tie his hands up and hit him with the belt until he breaks the licorice strings. He said he was looking forward to the evil glint in my eye. And I think it really could be fun. I could love this man. And I think he could love me too.