Damnit

Yeah. He didn't call or e-mail. And yesterday I e-mail him because I had an extra theater ticket and he didn't e-mail back. So that is clear.

I really, really don't get it. And I'm really disappointed.

It is hard to open up like that. To just surrender. For everything to feel like it clicked. And then not understand why.

I don't know what to do with that. I don't want to shut myself off to experiences like that by trying to 'protect' myself. But I don't know how to protect myself. Or maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe that pain is part of the pain of being fully alive.

I didn't really date till about 6 years ago, because men didn't really think I was attractive till about 6 years ago, when I made some changes in my work life and stopped with this insatiable need to prove myself. (It became only a constant need to prove myself--I still wanted to prove myself, though.)

And of course I now play Friday night (and Saturday morning) through the lens of my insecurities. I seem to think that either if I was thinner or if I was less complicated, he would be interested in seeing me again. He actually rubbed my tummy and I didn't freak out about it. It was lovely, actually. And I didn't do a full airing of the angsts, but I did set a few limits. And when I started to breathe too quickly and recognized it as the signs of a panic attack, I let him know.

I'm frankly kind of shocked he didn't call me. I really am. But there it is.