Clarity. And a little sadness.

It was pouring rain and the coffee shop I intended to go to was closed.  We walked through the Seattle sunshine and it felt like the perfect backdrop for a movie breakup.

I kept reminding myself to breathe and be kind.  I think I was kind.

Tony was, in my opinion, a bit of a twit.  He didn't apologize for anything, just focused on how it would affect him for his 3-hour-a-week job that I got him.  He didn't want me to say anything to my closest friend at work.  (The two of us had stayed at that friend's house, so it seems unlikely that I could just not say anything for 4 more months.)  I said I would say "we had an amicable parting--do what is best for the program" and Tony was really unhappy with that.  I told him I wouldn't lie to my friend, and my friend would ask how we were, so what did he want me to say, and he was quite frustrated with me.  He really felt like I had put him in an awkward position at work.  I said "yeah, it will be awkward for a week, but we're grown-ups and we respect each other and we'll get over it."  It seemed to want me to apologize for putting him in such an awkward situation by passing his resume on, when he had been talking about how much he wanted it several months ago and then breaking up with him when he started being complacent and taking me for granted.  (I made it clear that I didn't 'get him the job.'  I just passed his resume on.)

I did my best to be kind.  But he wanted to stay friends and I said no.  Frankly, I expect better behaviour from my friends, and I kind of told him that. For friends, I want thoughtful people that think about my needs too.

But I think I was kind and I am clear I did the right thing.  But I'm sad.  I don't know what changed between us.  And it seemed like he cared more about the 3-hour-a-week job I got him than about me.  He even acknowledged that everything changed between us once he started that job.   I told him I want to be cherished and I want to cherish in a loving family.  I hope the universe brings me that. But I'm sad and wonder.

Break-up Eve

I'm writing this on Thursday, the 21st.

I bought myself a Valentine's Day orchid today (at Costco) but was a good girl and put the Valentine's Day Belgian chocolates back.  I'm buying my own flowers and dumping the boyfriend, I joked to my friend.

I have never broken up with anyone.  It takes a certain sense of self-worth to break up with a man because he is taking me for granted.

Intellectually, I know I have dated pretty steadily since 2005, but I still have this feeling of the gal no one wanted.  And breaking up with Tony feels like losing a chance to be with MaxEarnest too, as weird as this is. It would be much easier to be with MaxEarnest again if I were staying with Tony.  MaxEarnest was originally not interested in being a third member of an  open-relationship, but that seemed to be changing.  He wanted to talk about it last week and I blew him off because I felt like there was an 80% chance I'm breaking up with Tony (and now I think there's a 90% chance).  I wanted to keep the issues with Tony clean and it felt really unfair to Tony to tell MaxEarnest that I thought I'd be breaking up with him before I told Tony!  If I break up with Tony, which I will, and MaxEarnest and I started seeing each other again, I'm scared that I will hurt him again.  I love MaxEarnest.  I still do.  Best relationship of my life.  But I want to meet someone I can build a life with.  Just because Tony isn't that man doesn't change that underlying fact.  I don't know if MaxEarnest will want to go through this sort of emotional roller-coaster and I can't promise him anything else.

So, why am I break up: Two weeks ago, right around when Tony told me he didn't do Valentine's day,  I told Tony that I was feeling taken for granted and I wanted to go out for a nice, romantic date.  That I wanted to be surprised and that it was important to me and let's do it in the next 2 weeks.  Well, it hasn't happened, and I'm going away for a week on Saturday, so tomorrow is it.  (There have been a LOT of other things too--the whole "I feel like you're taking me for granted" and even after I finally had the courage to say it, he didn't do anything about it.  A whole lot of me doing all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the shopping, paying for most things and planning everything.  When we went away last weekend, I brought a lot of food for us to cook and he didn't bring anything, then made comments that I only brought poor quality whiskey because I was thinking of hot toddies and whiskey sours, not drinking it straight, or disappointment that I hadn't thought to bring trail mix.  And he never offered once to carry my bag with the wine, olive oil, whiskey, and all the less-heavy food things.  I've made other comments about wanting help, wanting him to actually go out on dates and not just stay home and work every single night.  It is funny--Tony was to me what I was to MaxEarnest.  I loved spending half our nights together just working over our respective computers, but when it turned into every night together, I felt really isolated.)

So tomorrow Tony will invite himself over for dinner in the late afternoon.  And I'll say "I think we should talk--let's get coffee."  And then I have to be clear that this isn't working for me.  I won't give reasons unless he asks for them.  I don't know the kindest way to break up with someone.  Despite all evidence of his behaviour, I do think Tony has really appreciated the experience of being with me; in fact, he may have become complacent because my home felt like his home and he thought our lives were fitting together well.  Too well.  I've felt like I have all the complaints housewives did in the early 1960s.  Oh, and I'm covering all the bills too!

A couple of friends have urged me to dump Tony now (or days ago, once I started talking with people about my concerns), not wait till tomorrow.  "You deserve better" they say.  But I don't know how much that is true.  It isn't what I deserve.  It is what I think I can live with.

It is funny because Tony thinks he is a feminist, but we had the worst gender-stereotyped relationship I've ever seen (except in bed, where he still won't pin my wrists down even.  He spanked me once like me meant it, and I thought he was really turned on.  I thought that would be a turning-point for us, but it never happened again.)  It is funny, but in a weird way (or maybe an incredibly obvious way), good kink has to involve a huge amount of empathy.  In a way, with a Male Dominant, Female Submissive relationship, the man has to do far more of taking care of the woman's needs, figuring out how she is feeling, being aware of what she wants, likes and needs.  I remember John used to order all my meals for me, without asking me what I wanted.  My drinks too.  And thing is, he knew a) what I liked and that b) since he paid for everything I would order the cheapest chicken dish on the menu.  He knew me well enough to say things like "she'd like extra mushrooms on that, but the dressing on the side."  He would order exactly what I would have wanted, if cost were no issue.  He ordered me a blueberry and pear martini once--I think it was like $16 dollars.  I would never, in a million years, have asked him to spend $16 on my drink; but I felt so taken care of.  MaxEarnest was SO aware of my mood, so aware of what I wanted kink-wise.  We only had crossed signals once, when he punished me and didn't realize how hard it was for me and I thought he was pissed off and didn't care.  If he had realized, he would never have done it.  Sometimes I wanted MaxEarnest to push me a little farther.  I loved having resistance brushed aside, and yet that is a kind of fucked-up dynamic and MaxEarnest always listened when I said I didn't like something.  But when I fell last week on the ice (we were hiking on a frozen lake), Tony just gave me the keys to the car and I waited for him to enjoy his walk for over an hour when it was 11 degrees outside.  He doesn't cherish me.

I came to the conclusion that Tony wouldn't have been a good dad because he lacks empathy.  If our hypothetical future child  (OHFC---sounds like it should be tried for fixing LIBOR or something) were curious about the world, Tony would have been awesome at feeding at nurturing that curiosity.  But if OHFC were frustrated by school, or being picked on by kids, or not learning something as quickly as Tony thought, Tony would become quickly exasperated.  And if OHFC needed to have a diaper changed at 3 in the morning, it would never occur to Tony to do it.  He might, if for some reason I was sleeping through said cries and he wasn't, wake me up and say "do we have any clean diapers--I think OHFC needs to be changed."  And he might be willing to change OHFC if I said "Could you please change OHFC. Please make sure you wipe down OHFC's bottom before you put the new diaper on.  And could you please put the old diaper in the pail and then put OHFC in the crib and turn off the light" he would probably do 4 of the 5 things.  I can see how it becomes so hard for women not to nag!

So I break up with Tony tomorrow.  And it must be done.  But I'm very sad.

Crossroads....

My gut feeling is that Tony and I will break up in the next couple of weeks.  I'm writing this on February 17th.  I won't post it for a couple of weeks because I don't think it is fair to MaxEarnest.

It is all very confusing and sad, but I never fell in love with Tony, so if I need to make the change, so be it.

Tony is, generally speaking, a misanthrope.  When we first started dating, he was so delighted that I would be interested in him that I seemed exempt from the general criticism he has of all humans.  But, of course, that has worn off.  He doesn't even think FDR was a good president because he wasn't progressive enough. FDR!  If FDR can't live up to his ideals, who can?  Certainly not Connie...

Tony and I had good sex once, about a month ago.  He spanked me like he meant it and seemed to really enjoy himself (if saying "God, I'm so fucking turned on! I'm so hard! Wow!" is a good indication) and that was very hopeful to me, but it hasn't happened since. Lately, I wonder if it wasn't a checklist that he had to do. He has become more selfish a lover, in that he has become more and more vanilla in a way that I find very domineering without being the least bit dominant.  He won't even pin down my wrists.  (And I got all the tests and an IUD so we could dispense with condoms, but he hasn't bothered to get a fucking HIV test!  And I'm having a horrible reaction to condoms right now.  Painful in a not sexy way!  I'm really freaked out that I think I'm becoming allergic to condoms.  How the hell can I date someone new if we can't use condoms?  But I burn during sex with condoms and then I bleed afterwards; I've never taken it seriously when a guy says he doesn't like condoms, but fuck, it is serious!)

I got Tony an extremely part-time job that started about a month ago.  Tony really wanted experience consulting on a program and one of my centers needed someone for 3 hours a week for about 6 months, so I passed Tony's info on and he got the job.  (I was NOT on the hiring committee and they knew about my conflict of interest.)  Well, Tony has turned this very part-time job into a full-time life.  (Not a full-time job, mind you; he's still paid for 3 hours a week of work).  But it is just about all we ever talk about. 

I felt like things were a little out of balance between us a month ago.  He isn't into domestic stuff, so I've never been to his house.  As a result, we're always at my house.  A month ago we'd probably eat 5 meals a week at my house and go out 2 times a week.  But he would initiate taking me out and we'd go out to nice places.  But I covered all the costs of cooking, as well as doing all the housework   (He would put plates and silverware in the dishwasher, but he'd never do the bowls in the sink from cooking.)  I tried to look at how to break the patterns.  For example, my kitchen was a mess, so it wasn't always clear what needed to be done to clean it, so I spent several hours really tidying the kitchen so it was easy to see what needed to be done.  And I told him that I was doing that.  Still, he only ever put the plates and silverware in the dishwasher.

He has stopped planning anything and when I plan, he doesn't hold up his end.  He hypothetically wanted to start bird-watching. I found a groupon he said "yes."  I bought two, one for each of us and he said he would two (as we could only buy two) and then he forgot.  I bought a groupon for ballroom dancing and he said he would, but he didn't.

I told him I was feeling taken for granted.  No change.

One night on his way over, I asked him to bring something.  (It really started to piss me off when he'd ask "do we have any wine?"  Where the fuck does he think wine comes from?  Who does he think pays for it? Is there a wine fairy I don't know about?)  He was inviting himself over for dinner, so I told him I'd like him to bring something.  He brought me a fucking eggplant because babaganoush (wow--spell-check's only suggestion here is gangrenous ) is his favorite appetizer and he likes how I make it.  Yeah, that really helped me not feel take for granted!

We went away together this weekend, and it was really frustrating.  I brought quite a few things and had done some research and had some ideas.  He brought nothing but still asked questions like "do we have any trail mix?"  Nothing like 'thank you for bringing home-canned fruit, home dried tomatoes, olive oil, fresh and dried herbs, wine, whisky, pasta and games for us.' No offer to carry my bag some of the time on the train. Just "do we have any trail mix?"    I feel like a housewife from the 1950s.  Except I'm paying all the bills!

(It is funny--I drove not far from Bobby's town, with Tony, wearing MaxEarnest's fleece jacket.  I have to wash that jacket soon, but I refuse too.  It seems like if I wash it, I will lose a tenuous connection to MaxEarnest.  But I was sad driving by Bobby's town; he is the only man who was ever excited by something I was writing that wasn't my blog.  He read my non-blog writing and thought it was important; thought it mattered!  Somehow, if a man like Bobby was in my life, I could be excited by my own work again.  But I suppose that is too much to ask from anyone I'm dating. Except that I try to be excited by the work of a man I'm with! I felt with MaxEarnest that he didn't like my time on the computer and  my work didn't speak to his experiences   But he would read it very carefully and always had some helpful grammar (which I was grateful for; English isn't his first language--I know he spent a lot of energy on it!).  But he wasn't excited by it.  He didn't understand a lot of what I care about.  And Tony didn't read a piece the week I sent it off even though I was spending hours helping him get ready for the job interviews for this job; he let me read him another piece, but only had criticisms (which didn't make a lot of sense to me--at one point he thought I was unfairly stigmatizing autism by discussing ways to treat 'neurological deficiencies' early on, and the whole point was that with early intervention, we can really help, but he thought it was unfair).  But Bobby was excited by my work!  I SO wish Bobby had done the emotional work he needed to do to be capable of a relationship!  That isn't fair--that's my judgement of him; but I still make it.  As stupid as it is, I think Bobby and I are kindred spirits.  Ah, well...)

Tony also told me he wasn't doing valentine's day, but we could celebrate in a different way.  But nothing has been planned.

So I gave Tony a test.  A week ago, I told him that I wanted him to take me out for a nice dinner.  That I wanted to be surprised--he should just tell me what to wear.  I specifically told him that it was important to me.  I said "let's do this in the next two weeks."  He was a little derisive saying "you want me to tell you what to wear?" but I said "just tell me--something nice--you don't have to say what exactly" (although I suppose it would be fucking hot if he did).  He seemed somewhat open; he didn't say no.

My gut feeling is that Tony isn't going to take me out to a nice dinner.  It would have made so much sense to do it while we were away for the weekend, but I'm still giving him one more week.  But if he doesn't, then it is pretty easy to see that he isn't interested in working on how to make our relationship work.  If he surprises me, well, then I guess we can start the hard stuff.  But I feel like I've done a lot of communicating and he hasn't stepped up.  I have given too much.  But I tend to be very generous with most people.  I love giving.  It is a hard balance!

Then there is MaxEarnest.  Whom I still love and still miss and know I can't have a full-time life with. We are too different, want different things.  The closest I could imagine is the two of us moving to Berlin to make a family, but that isn't what he wants. And even if it were, we'd have to negotiate how much independence I would have. (It isn't what I want either; but I think it could be a beautiful life; although even I know it was premature--we have run-ins on day-to-day stuff). This Valentine's day, all I could do was think of last valentine's day.  The best one of my life!  And he sent me the sweetest e-mail! But I know if I were to commit to him and only him, I would hate him for stealing away my chance to have kids.  I want to hold a child of my own so badly.  I want to explore the world with wonder and create magic and share beauty.  I think MaxEarnest still loves me.  Part of me hopes that if I break up with Tony, MaxEarnest would go back together with me.  But I don't know if it is fair to him.  I can enjoy magical times with him, but I don't want to hurt him more than I already have.  And I know if I break up with Tony, I'll start dating other men and want to give someone else a chance.  

All in all, I don't know what to do!  I wished I believed in psychics!

Owning Worthiness

This made me cry today.

I totally believed that no one would ever fall in love with me.  And MaxEarnest changed that in my muscle memory.

But I still fear I'll be lonely forever.

My life is not a balancing act that has less to do with pain and more to do with beauty.  My axis seems to be integrity/truth versus, versus what?  I'm not sure.  But I feel I'm constantly trying to balance integrity with kindness.

And then I notice that my needs aren't being met.

I fell when Tony and I were hiking across a small, frozen lake this weekend.  And I just didn't want to be hiking on ice anymore.  I was tired and bruised.  So Tony handed me the keys to the car and I went back and waited by myself for about an hour.  I may be loved and still be lonely.  I remember the last day I was with MaxEarnest I fell and he came bounding to take care of me.  So protective. So cherishing.  He might be frustrated with my limitations, but he wouldn't make me sit in the car by myself for an hour in the cold.

I can be strong.  I suppose I am strong.  But I don't want to have to be strong with my partner.  That's the one person I don't want to have to be strong for.

I'm in my prime.  And I'm 41.  Most people in our society wouldn't see that as prime.  At least not for a plump woman.

I don't know the compromises I can make honestly and the ones I can't.  I don't know where I should demand that someone cherish me and where I might be being too picky.  I think part of the reason that I want a child so much is that I want to give and give and give and have that be right.  I give and give in a relationship with Tony and just end up feeling drained.  (I didn't feel that way with MaxEarnest.  He cherished me.  We gave to each other.  I hope he felt that too.)

I don't know why I'm so sad today.  That video made me sad and I'm all grown up and it certainly got better!  But not all better.

Hanging in there. Barely.

I'm blue.  So blue.

Why?  Feeling left out of my birth family.  I'm sure I'm not the only person in the country who has to justify to their parents why they aren't interested in drugs or spirituality, but I feel like I'm the only one (and I'm sure it is pretty unusual).  But I left visiting my family by feeling quite isolated.

Work has sort of gone to hell.   Intellectually, I think it will work out.  But  I'm exhausted. I'm scared.  I feel isolated. And it has been 2 months of uncertainty and I am stretched to the breaking point.

And then there is this mess with the cruise.  MaxEarnest and I were going to go on a cruise together, and we had paid for it.  I can't get a refund.  I've tried everything I can think of and no one is budging.  It is SO frustrating!  I have never been a cruise person before, but MaxEarnest and I figured we would have fun just having sex for a week before we travel to fun places.  I can reschedule for multiple times this spring, but no one wants to go with me, even though I offered to cover the cost.  The thought of going by myself seems like the saddest thing I could imagine, and the thought of eating the ticket seems crazy and the whole thing makes me feel sad and pathetic. 

And I miss MaxEarnest.  Tony has been ill.  And when I'm with Tony, I'm quite clear that we are very good together.  But when I'm not with Tony, I miss MaxEarnest.  I want to run away to Iceland for another long weekend.  I want to explore new places in Europe.  I want him to tie me up and hurt me to the liminal place, but not beyond.  I want him to demand my surrender.  Tony knows I'm a 'naughty girl.' He knows I need to be dominated.  I think he knows that I need some roughness some times (although I'm less sure on that).  We've talked openly about it.  He says he needs time.  But I hadn't had a good orgasm since August.  I bought some new books of smut over the break, and have had a few good ones since then.  (Fifty shades was SO disappointing!  It is much more about the pornography of conspicuous consumption than the pornography of kink.  I started off thinking it could be really interesting, but, ultimately  I found it much too vanilla for me.  She never really explored submission in any way.  There were a couple of hot scenes, but I didn't get a single orgasm out of all 3 books.  And it didn't explore the relationship in any meaningful way.)  But maybe my erotic life will go back to smutty books and a vanilla sex life.  And if other things work out, maybe that would be an OK trade off.  Who knows, if I have kids in a few years, maybe sex wouldn't matter as much.

I have decided that I need this blog as I navigate stuff with Tony.  I've decided there are things he can never know.  Like the fact that I'm fundamentally unsatisfied with sex right now.  He knows I want more.  He's said he needs time.  But I don't want to tell him that I'm not having my needs met.  When he asks if I like something gentle, I say I do, but I wouldn't want just that.  And that is true.  I wouldn't be happy without gentle too.  So we're working on it.  He doesn't need to know that I fantasize about Anne Rice and Molly Weatherfield novels when we're together.

Multiverses

If there are multiverses, then somewhere, I am lying in MaxEarnest's arms in my Queen size bed that I bought so we'd be comfortable together.  In that multiverse, we've just had very good sex, but he's probably tired from the jetlag, because in that multiverse he came to see me before we went off to Aruba for a month.

But in this multiverse, I'm quite sick and at my parents' house, having extended my Christmas holiday, because there's no need for me to rush back to my life.  It makes me so very sad, and yet, I'm also at peace.  As painful and as sad, I think it is a grown-up, mature decision.

It feels like I've started to think of the new guy (let's call him Tony) and MaxEarnest as sort of polar opposites.  The new guy is someone I could fairly easily build a life with.  We want similar things and similar amounts of time together.  We do really well supporting each other in our goals.  He lives 2 miles from me, but I'm pretty sure he would be happy to move in by 2014.  I actually expect we'll be engaged by 2014, if I don't break it off from some desire for what I gave up with MaxEarnest.

I had wonderful vacations and wonderful sex with MaxEarnest.  And the new guy doesn't like travel or kink. But I think he'll learn enough, and I'll travel on my own and have fantasies.  And we'll have children together.  And I will fantasize about MaxEarnest for the rest of my life.

If I thought both the gentlemen involved would be up for it, I would propose me running off with MaxEarnest a couple of weeks a year.  Deep down, that is what I would like the most.  But, as MaxEarnest would say, you don't need everything all the time.

I was holding my niece all through Christmas (perhaps why I'm sick) and she was so joyous and loving and alive.  Holding her feels like life.  It is just this deep sense of purpose.  It is right in the marrow of my bones.  My soul sings to her.

I know MaxEarnest thought I wanted kids because I wanted societal approval, which always struck me as funny, as I'm planning on being a single mom if I don't meet the right man, and the U.S. society is SO judgmental of single mothers.  Maybe it is different in Europe, but in the U.S., they are so looked down upon.  When he and I took the train to the airport, there was this beautiful family across the aisle from us, and I started crying, because I knew I had to pick between him and a family.  I hoped something would change, but deep down, I knew I had to pick.  And it broke my heart.

But I still wish I could have everything all the time.  Maybe in another multiverse, MaxEarnest and I will find a nice flat in Berlin, overlooking a canal, and raise children there. And, I suppose, in another, John and I have a child.  And in another, Bobby and I do.  And in another, I never met MaxEarnest because I was still grieving or too scared to take a risk, and still hopelessly along.  I grieve what can never be.  But I also am aware of how lucky I am for what is.

Life

I miss MaxEarnest.  In my head, I know we wouldn't have worked.  We weren't working.  I missed him all the time and my life started being much more about waiting for a vacation than living a life.

The new guy is everything MaxEarnest isn't, and that is both good and bad.  We work together really, really well in everything except sex.  We want very similar life goals. We are supporting each other very well.  I've had a rough time at work and the new guy (also a lawyer) spent a lot of time going over lawyerly stuff with me, that was quite helpful.  He is sweet, loves my cooking (thanks MaxEarnest!) and talks dirty to me about wanting to have babies and has already made it clear that we should get married, probably in late 2013.  And I think he's right.

Sex is boring, though.  He will occasionally talk about how I'm all his, but he is a timid lover.  I got him to spank me once and he spanked me about as hard as you'd pat a dog's head.

And I don't know what the fuck to do!  My head says that this is so right in so many ways, and I can have a rich fantasy life.  But part of me worries that I could have an affair in a decade.  But then I'm like--nah.  Most women have less libido in their 50s.  He would be a good father.  He is a good man.  (MaxEarnest is a good man too, but didn't want kids, or to live in the U.S.)

I'm so grateful to MaxEarnest.  I feel like he has made so much of my life possible.  Crazy that I had a wonderful first love in my 40s.  Maybe not even a first long, but a first good love.