Submission Vs. Unconditional Love

I was struck by my statement in the last post that I want unconditional love because the whole D/s dynamic is the exact opposite. The in D/s dynamic I know, it gives me a way to earn love--to prove I'm lovable.

When I have been obedient, and he grabs my hair, then kisses me and whispers 'good girl,' oh, I melt.

I also notice that I do things for people. All the time. I don't have a problem with that. I enjoy tending to people's needs. I love taking care of people.

But with 'my ex'--me needs a name. Not the recent ex, the long ago ex, let's call him Antony. I suppose that makes me Cleopatra. I can live with that. With Antony, there was never a sense of him just delighting in my the way I am. With the guy I dated this year, I would wake up and he would be playing with my hair and stroking my face and I wanted to stay in his arms for ever.

I think if I ever try D/s again, it would have to be after that dynamic, the sense that he cherished me, even when I was sleeping, was already established.

Dieting, submission and unconditional love

I'm reading this terrific diet book called The Four-Day Win. In it, she posits that traditional diets create a mind/computer/dictator/predator versus creature/wild child/prey dichotomy. The we override our sensory data to try and lose weight and inevitably the creature/wild child/prey rebels. I'm finding this book incredibly useful to me. I think for me, at least, this is true. (I had a minor medical procedure earlier this year, but I gained 10 pounds and have lost those 10 pounds in the last month. I'm going to keep working with this book because it is incredibly useful. I'm enjoying food more and having some amazing splurges but eating less.)

Several things I've found as I've been journaling and exploring this book.

My "Wild Child" wants unconditional love. A very great part of me doesn't believe I should have to lose weight to be loved. Another part of me says "nonsense--everyone is judged on what they look like before they are judged on who they are." But deep, deep down, I don't want to accept that. I think a huge reason as to why I loved John so much was that sense that it was about who I was more than what I looked like. Between the thousands of e-mails and the hours walking and talking, and the pictures he took of me not at my best that he thought revealed a vulnerability that I don't show (and he recognized that), he and I connected deep down.

And when he didn't fall in love with me, it felt like a rejection of who I am, not what I look like.

I don't know what to do with that information. I know I'd rather be loved for what I look like, than not loved at all. I also think if I were a size 4, I'd be pretty fucking hot. I gained weight early enough in my life that I don't really think these issues were at play, but I'm just holding them as a possibility.

I have ignored my "wild child" for much of my life. I started "Weight Watchers" officially in the 4th grade (although I'd been dieting much earlier than that). I never really enjoyed sweets. I wolfed them down like a prey animal about to be attacked.

I think submission was linked to this. That an outside protector would hurt me, but also protect me and grant me pleasure. (I do notice the past tense. I think, right now, the past tense is appropriate.)

So I'm trying to be kinder to my 'wild child' and figure out exactly what she wants, rather than losing control and having things that don't delight her. It does seem, if she is honored and delighted once a week or so, she is happy to be healthy the rest of the week. We'll see if that continues.

Standing my ground!

So this guy was talking with me on the phone (and he was at a loud bar, which I find obnoxious), and he tried to get me to talk about the strength of my orgasms with the last guy I was involved with. I said "I need to know you better to have this conversation" and he said why and was kind of badgering me, and I said "I'm not comfortable with this" and he said "it doesn't matter." So I hung up on him!

I have never hung up on anyone in my life.

He then called 3 times and 3 times I sent it to voice mail. I did send him an e-mail in response to his voice mail, which was clear and explained that "It doesn't matter" is not a response to "I'm uncomfortable with this" that I could deal with.

It feels really good. Like me saying "No--you can't treat me like that." I've never had the strength to do that. Typically, I'm polite, and then disappear. I don't like conflict and I never stand up for myself like that. I'm proud of myself!

Flirting

I took a ‘creative movement’ dance class today. And there was a man in the class. (Actually there were 3.) But one of the men started to flirt with me. And my first reaction was to start to ignore him. But he was cute and a voice said in my head “you don’t have to sleep with him just because you flirt.” So instead I started to flirt back. Little old, uptight, earnest me. It was really fun! Afterwards, he ignored me, which was a little disappointing, but also very freeing.

I don’t flirt with a man, unless I think there’s a good chance I might sleep with him, which is a pretty high bar. It also means that I make pretty snap judgments about people and don’t really give things a chance. The only real exception in my life is Karaoke, where I’ll sing songs to whoever is making eye contact.

I think part of this is that I was sort of semi-raped when I was 17. I have felt for a while that the term ‘rape’ didn’t really apply, because I gave very mixed signals and only said ‘no’ when things got more intense. He was older (9 years) and had gotten me quite drunk. But it wasn't like I didn't want to drink. I didn't hold my liquor well, but I wanted to be a grown-up that night. When I said ‘no,’ I didn’t say it forcefully. And I am sure that my body language contradicted my actual words, and I really do believe humans are hard-wired to listen to non-verbal when verbal and non-verbal language contradicts each other.

So I have made sure I didn't get in another situation like that one. In part but not flirting unless I feel ready to follow through, all the way to intercourse, which is a pretty silly guideline.

A few years ago I went to a guy’s house, and this was a man I was not interested in. He and I were having a very awkward date and when he suggested a movie, I thought the body language on both sides was so very clear that there could be no doubting it. I said “I don’t think this is a good idea” and he said “on my oath of honor, I will be a perfect gentleman,” so it seemed like an easy way out of an awkward situation. It seemed that watching a movie was more polite than, after 20 minutes, saying “you know I don’t like you,” so I went. I sat primly on the edge of the sofa, as far away from him as possible, with perfect posture, with my legs crossed away from him and my arms carefully around my bag. When he put his arm around me and tried to kiss me, I said no. When he grabbed me, I shoved him hard and got up. When he grabbed my hand, I wrenched free and immediately left. Fortunately I had comfortable shoes in my bag because my heels stayed in his apartment. While I felt stupid for going to his house, I was a little pround of being very clear; I thought this is how women should act when they aren’t interested.

But I have ignored the tangled mess that is human interaction. By trying to fit attraction into a binary model (yes or no), when sometimes I might like someone, or have fun flirting, but not want to sleep with him, or not want to sleep with him today, I think I’ve lost something. I want to learn to flirt without committing to intercourse. Maybe I’ll get called a tease once or twice. But maybe I’ll be open to new experiences that will bring me joy.

I'm going to a dance tonight. I intend to flirt with 2 strangers and go home alone.

Update:
The dance was cancelled, but I ran into my dance partner and he and I made contact and both said we had a lovely time. We thanked each other and went our several ways. I had the feeling I could have slept with him. If I were home, I would have at least given him my name. But I'm at a resort for a weekend, so I don't see how more flirting would be anything other than a one-night stand. And I don't want to give my heart freely and don't know how to have sex without giving my heart.

The Republican Returns

The Republican, from like 2 years ago, the one that slapped me, and then, somehow, it felt like something broke, he reappeared. After The Republican, it was like I just couldn't trust any man who has tried to dominate me since then, and I've been so bored with vanilla guys. I'm scared of bdsm and bored by everything else.

Anyway, he was in the Reserve, so I did e-mail him occasionally (only returning his e-mails) while he was in Iraq for a year, but only out of the guilt of wanting to live up to the yellow ribbon on the back of my car. We hadn't spoken for months.

Anyway, he found me on a vanilla dating site, and called me his sub. And it was good--I told him I don't go there anymore, and really didn't give any clue that he had impacted me, literally. But he started IMing with me and I told him that I stopped doing bdsm after him (actually I said "the scene" but he knew what I meant). And I told him that what happened with us hadn't been good for me. I didn't say "you were the straw that broke me" or anything like that. But I was clear and direct. And, he apologized!!!!! Wow!!!

So I stuck up for myself. I was nice about it and kind of really downplayed it. But I stood up for myself and he apologized! It felt like it sort of helped heal a little rawness there. I'm SO bad at standing up for myself with anyone I might have cared about. (I'm the only woman working in my office, and even though I technically could have "Dr" in front of my name, although it's just a JD, but I mean, I do have more education than almost any of the men), they keep referring to each other as "Mr." and me by my first name in all the minutes of our meetings, and this week I asked that we do them consistently--either me as Ms. or the guys by their first names. I hope I didn't piss anyone off. I was nice about it. But it really pissed me off for a while. I somehow thought someone (one of the secretaries maybe?) that it should be the same. But the secretaries kind of resent having to do things for a woman. They don't have my back.)

Anyway, The Republican asked me for a favor (he wants some pictures taken, and thinks I'm a good photographer, just to tie John into this mess) and I agreed, but told him I'm not flirting or anything--just taking pictures. But I want to see him and be in charge of my emotions and know that I can be strong and whole and not let him under my skin. I think he thinks he can get under my skin again. But he couldn't dominate me now. I mean not unless he tried to be a friend for a few months first and I seriously doubt he'd ever do that! Now isn't that funny--John wanted to be friends, cause he didn't want to sleep with me. And now the only way I'd ever see being with The Republican was if we were friends. But I suppose that is because I'm the one that doesn't think I want him. Way easier to give ambivalence than to receive it! (I'm not bitter about John--I really, truly, wish him a joyous life and hope he finds a soul mate. I just want the same for me too!)

So I told The Republican I would never submit to a man I didn't love, and that, I think, is a goal. I may not make it. It is possible some man, someday, will seduce me and dominate me, but it does seem I run away from men that try to do that mostly. I would be vulnerable if someone was a very good ballroom dancer. But other than that, I think my guards go up very quickly. Too quickly.

I have sometimes fantasized about The Republican because that was the last time I felt really sexual. I mean the kind that is intoxicating and soul shaking. We never had sex, but oh did we flirt like hell. My orgasms have probably been about 1/4 what they were before that happened. Sometimes I'm scared it is just getting older, but I can't imagine I'd have a hormonal change like that in a day. I would think it would be a slope, not a cliff.

Watching Elena Kagan's nomination, and all the discussion about how she's not gay, bothered me. "She's just smart and picky." As Maureen Dowd said: "Elena is anything but a history-making, barrier-breaking, proud, strong, happy gay woman. She’s a garden-variety, sad, scary, single, childless career woman who can’t get a man because she’s too smart, works too much and refuses to settle." The latter half seems like it describes me right now, although probably not scary. Pathetic maybe. Well, hell. Maybe I'll be on the supreme court in 15 years. Any maybe my defenders would bring up this blog and say "see--she isn't a lesbian, she's a frustrated bdsmer." Yeah, maybe not.

Everyone Pairs Off. Everyone But Me

I had a really intense dream last night--the kind that has a hangover after you wake up, and you're a little groggy, not sure what was a dream and what is not.

I'm at a dance and there are 2 more women than men, so every dance 2 women are by themselves, and it is always me and a different girl. Every gal gets selected, and it seems like every dance, one more man and woman enter, so it is only a matter of time before every other gal has a partner.

Then the dancing ended and they were all paired up for a meal and there wasn't a place at the table for me.

Gee. I wonder what a psychologist would say this represented.

I don't mean to have a pity party. Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't learned feminism at an early age, if I would have been happily partnered and life would be good. But the fact is, feminism was never for the women for whom this society easily works (and there are a lot of them). Feminism has always been for the women who are left out. And I'm grateful that I've got a good job and can pay my own bills and good friends and fun hobbies. And men who are interested in me--I wish I could be interested in someone who was interested in me. There's just that fundamental mismatch. I suppose, without feminism, I would have settled. My grandmother did. She didn't really ever think her husband was worthy of her, and she could never think that if she had fallen in love with him. But she was 26 when he proposed which was, at that time, quite old.

But then, I think my grandmother had a pretty good life. I don't know. I mostly knew her after my grandfather died. She remarried, at age 70, a very wealthy man. She loved that time in society. And frankly, she loved having people to take care of. But I don't know that she was ever in love. Maybe being in love is over rated. I wouldn't know.

Catastrophe averted; pathos remains

So I broke it off with "fine" guy. Which was a fine thing to do. But I almost e-mailed John. I was totally tipsy and claiming in my head I wanted 'closure,' as if silence for a year wasn't closure enough. (John and I drank quite a bit together, and I don't drink that often, so somehow, it both reminded me of him and lowered my intellectual reasoning.) I told myself I wanted him to say "I'm sorry I hurt you" and "I'm doing well--I'm engaged and I hope you're well too."

But that isn't what I actually wanted (although it would be good to hear he was engaged or married; it would actually be very good).

Here's the thing I hate to admit. I still love him. And I still want him. I broke up with "Fine" guy because every time we were together I'd get slightly bored and remember how much fun I had with John.

I wanted to write John and have him write and say "I'm sorry--letting you go was a mistake. I still think of you. I still care for you. I'm sorry I hurt you. You know how messed up my life was at that moment, but I've survived that. Let's try to make this work."

I know he's just not that into me. Intellectually. But I don't believe that in my heart. I can't believe he would give me the time, the intimacy, the sharing if he didn't connect with me on some level he couldn't articulate.

I have to believe that he saw that his ambivalence was too hurtful to me and he disappeared because I said, on several occasions, that being a friend cost me. I don't know if he understood why--that it made me feel like there was something so deeply wrong with me and it reinforced that insecurity and it took all my energy for possible romance. Not that it still isn't wrapped up in that.

And, frankly, I should have moved on by now. This is almost stalkerish. (Given that I'm not stalking--a friend drove by his apartment 2 weeks ago--she didn't know where he lived--we were coming back from a roadtrip and she was taking a through avenue to my place--and I twitched, like I'd broken a rule, as if I'm not allowed to be in a car that someone else is driving on the somewhat busy street where he leaves). There's a restaurant a block from him that I used to go to all the time before I met him, and I've only been once in the last year, and that was with a friend who wanted to go there. So I'm not stalking in any real sense of the word.) But emotionally, I still have more of my energy there than makes sense.

I guess I was hoping if I did what I was supposed to do, my heart would do what she was supposed to as well. It's funny. I've had a 9-month fling this year (although I didn't realize it was a fling going into it). I tried acid. In Amsterdam (it is a good place for sin--even if Acid isn't legal, it is fairly easy to find, and I figured I could play the dumb tourist if I got caught). I had a sort-of one-night stand in a youth hostel in Amsterdam (no intercourse--just fooling around and mutual masturbation). I've actually lived quite a bit this year. Acid was fun! I really enjoyed it! I would totally do that again. I've changed in some ways. Why can't I cut this one string?

But then John touched me deeply. More deeply than any man ever has. And so his imprint remains until someone else touches me equally deeply. I made a searing, soul-connection with someone on a romantic level. Perhaps my only fault is settling for men who didn't touch me like that. But you can't order those up with some brown rice and a fortune cookie.

But maybe if I honestly acknowledge what I'm feeling, I can move through it more quickly than if I pretend.