God Laughs

Steven dumped me. All you regular readers (both of you?) won't be surprised. He was a Gemini through and through. If he was telling the truth, and I'm inclined to believe he was, because we didn't sleep together, and he totally could have if he'd tried, so I don't think he was just playing, anyway, if he was telling the truth, it isn't me--I'm fabulous, wonderful, beautiful, magnificent. But he doesn't want a relationship, doesn't want to feel that way about anyone. Wants to keep to his life plan, and he would come to resent me (through no fault of my own, if he was telling the truth) and so, he must break it off.

It came out of nowhere. We were making plans to see a singer at the end of the month, but they only had general admission, but I've been there before and thought general admission was fine in that space, but then, out of nowhere, he was having grave doubts and just couldn't go through with this.

He sent me the most beautiful e-mail last week. Just incredible. He really saw me, not as I try to pretend I am, but the me that I'm scared no one could like. And he said "I love you--you're beautiful--you don't need to hide."

"What makes God laugh," goes the saying? People making plans. I wonder if God (if there is a God) is laughing with me, or at me. Is something else coming along, someone that would have life goals that are easily intertwineable with mine? Or is it just another emotional roller-coaster ride, pointless, just to see how much I can take before I break.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. Now, given that the men are different, there are certainly changing variables. But it all seems to have such a similar narrative, logically, I would think it probably is me. The variables I can change are:
a) where I meet men (Steven would say "real life"--but I never meet men in real life)
b) whether I open up or not. But I'm already hidden a great deal. Or maybe I need to hide less? But I don't have it in me to be any more vulnerable--it takes every single ounce of strength I have in order to be as vulnerable as I am. Perhaps I'm vulnerable in the wrong ways? Someday, when I have a little more resilience, I need to go through Steven's e-mail of last week because he hit on several key things. But I don't think I could bare to open it right now.
c) how I deal with break-ups (if they can even merit that title, but emotionally they do).

The last is the only variable I can control tonight. I feel myself torn, back and forth, between pain and cynicism. It would be so easy to say "well, men, can't live with them; can't live without them." Or even "He was a Gemini through and through." Something to define, to contain, to explain. And I want to define, contain, and explain. Especially explain because I feel like this is one more bit of proof that, ultimately, there's just something different enough about me that I will never make connection. No one will ever be able to understand me as I am, which means no one can ever appreciate and love me. Just me. The good, the bad and the ugly. I'm like one of those stereotypes of an old spinster: "I have so much love saved up for you!" and yet, well, I want so badly to share my life with someone and share in his. But if that isn't going to happen, better to know now and just freeze my heart and my eros than continue with this roller-coaster.

I don't know how to open my heart again. But I seem to always find my way through it. And yet, I wonder, how to pick up the pieces this time. I have less and less strength. I wish I believed in God so I could just freeze the eros that seems to run, uncontrolled, through my body and enter a convent. How many more swords through my heart? How will I have the strength to endure?