Trivialities: Consolation Prizes

I've started a new labeling system. Sometimes I come up with posts that I think are more interesting. I've tried to avoid posting just a bunch of little details. For example the last post--"Public Persona v. Private Self"--is, I think, worth reading by anyone interested in my private life, and hopefully I'm not the only one struggling with such issues. This one is not. Just a bunch of random details. To save you time, I'm adding a "trivialities" label to this and future posts that fall in that category.

Yesterday I stayed strong and said "no." Over and over.

First the young'un very clearly wanted me to get involved with him again. And the kid has NO social skills. I had agreed to see him mostly because when I had difficulty with my career making me unhappy, the universe sent me 2 wonderful people that helped me a great deal. Quitting my prestigious job was the most difficult decision I've ever made, and the best one. So, while I don't feel like I 'owe' the young'un anything, I do feel like I need to give back some of the support I received. But it won't be to him.

The entire evening was about 'would I go out with him again--even if just as a friend.' The kid remembered that my roommate will move out this summer and tried to get me to let him move in with me! After at least 10 questions about 'would I come over to his place,' 'how much he missed talking with me,' etc. etc. etc.

The young'un has two and only two reasons for thinking he is in love with me. The first is that I'm smart and engaged, so we can talk about a whole host of things. My problem, is that it never goes beyond surface knowledge. It is 'Trivial Pursuit,' not anything with wisdom or how it affects the world. In fact, I find it rather boring.

The second reason is that I'm the only woman he has dated who, instead of seeing dollars signs and thinking "wow--I can live off him," saw that he was unhappy and encouraged him to cut back on his expenses and find a job that he loved thought it would pay less.

I spose in his mind those are important issues. But he doesn't know a thing about me. He has no clue as to my 'public-private' sides, or frankly anything about me because he never asks a question beyond where I'd like to go for dinner. He could never dominate me (and we met on CollarMe, so it isn't like he doesn't know what I'm looking for). I would define every single aspect of the relationship. Whatever I wanted, I would get, instantly. Except all the intangibles that I really wanted. In all honesty, if I hadn't broken up with him in November, he'd probably be shopping for a ring for Valentines Day. But he would never have kissed me. Never ask about how my life went, or understand me.

Meanwhile, my ex called. Again. This time to discuss Romney's dropping out, and could we get a fiscal conservative to run on a third party to siphon off votes from McCain, and agree that Ron Paul would be ideal in that respect. Oh, and did I want to come to him birthday brunch with his kids and dad? His current fuckbuddy is encouraging him to try and get me back. And I said, in a very straight-forward manner, that we weren't good for each other. I didn't want to lead him on, but we weren't good for each other.

He said all sorts of very nice things, like he has never missed anyone the way he misses me. He doesn't understand it, but he misses me. And the fact that we were able to share that 400 sq. ft. apartment for a year is testament to how good we are together. And he wasn't able to make me happy at the time, but.....

Meanwhile, his current ad on CM says that his sub needs to make all her actions based on meeting his needs and pleasing him. Reward would be the pleasure that comes from knowing she has pleased (and the unspoken issue is that is just about the only benefit she will get from the relationship--oooh, sign me up!). He said to me, when I mentioned that it is indicative of how different we are, that he wants someone mentally healthy, and he just really, really misses me.

Neither the young'un or the ex tempt me. I suppose if either did, they'd have actual names here. But not being alone tempts me a little. Not enough to give up what I seek. I do believe, however, that it is a good sign. It is the universe testing me, asking "are you sure?" And generally, when the universe tempts me with a consolation prize and I stay strong, what I'm actually looking for is far more likely to appear in my life. Not today or tomorrow or next week, but someday. Consolation prizes are just a way of letting you know you are on the right track. Reject them and it gives space in your life for the good stuff. Accept them, and you have no room in your life for what you really want!