Super Tuesday

HILL-uh-REE! HILL-uh-REE! chant the happy, smiling people on the corner. oh-BAA-muh! oh-BAA-muh! the equally happy supporters on the other side respond.

I want so much to belong to one of the groups. This is the first primary since 96 that I haven't been out working for my guy. I even went to Iowa for Dean! And I love it. I love being a part of a group, hoping it will work out, and if it does, the future will look so much better. The optimism. The sense of purpose and belonging.

This time, I like them both. My head (and my vote) went to Obama, as I think he can beat McCain. My heart goes to Hillary. I'm worried I'll be her age before I have another chance to vote for a woman for president. He'd be better in 8 years than he will now--why not let him get more experience and let her be the president? But he can beat McCain.

But that is an issue for my political blog. The issue for this blog is that I've lost my bearings. I feel unanchored. I long to walk over to one of the groups--either one really, and join it, but it wouldn't be honest. And I'm saving my energy for the general election.

And that seems true for my life as well. My ex called twice today to see if I wanted to hang out. And he invited me over to his place to watch election results, and I really wanted to go. On November 7, 2006, we went to a sports bar that had dedicated all the screens to election results, and it was a blast. But I knew going to his apartment would lead to something. I was tempted. Very tempted. I checked hotmail 50 times today, hoping to see an e-mail from Steven. But getting involved with the ex would just be silly. Especially after I saw what eroticism could be like with someone more in tune with me.

And yet, just as I yearn to pick up a sign, any sign, I yearn to curl up next to someone. There is this primordial urge to feel his heart beat, his arm around me. That magical day with Steven started to melt my longings. Keep them less controlled. And I feel more alone than ever. But I can't just pick up a sign to belong--I have to support a candidate heart and head. And I can't just curl up next to someone--I need someone whom I respect, admire, adore and laugh with, who can also claim me. A very tall order.

The good news is, we should have a candidate soon, and then I can join that campaign. But I'd rather find someone to curl up with at night. Someone exactly like Steven, but wanting a partner to face the difficulties of life together, someone to grow roots with. Or maybe he'll be completely different, but we'll have a similar energy. But it feels about as likely as Al Gore winning the presidency this year.

I can happily live with Hillary or Obama. But I can't happily embrace a future that is just about me, without anyone to root for.