The Lady's got the Blues. (Again)

I'm amazed at how unstable my mood really is, and how closely linked it is to the dating situation (although, recent setbacks at work have deeply affected my mood as well. It seems that work can help stabilize my mood when the dating world sucks and the dating world can stabilize my mood when work sucks. But when they both suck, my mood gets really erratic. Work has me blue enough I don't even want to think about it, but when my current contract expires at the end of the 2FQ, I'm not quite sure what I'll be doing.)

Objectively, dating is, I suppose, going fine. Last Saturday, I went to a city about 100 miles from here, for a date with a guy who lived another 100 miles beyond that. He was nice and I had a good time at the local museum, but not enough to start that much commuting. I have a date tomorrow with the ex (why? What was I thinking? But it is just dinner and a show--it won't lead to anything else. Although, lately, I've been wondering if it would really be SO bad to get involved with him again. I know it would. I know I would need him to change far more than he could. But, I ache to be held. Frankly, I ache to be held by Steven, but Steven can't make up his mind. At least my ex would drive images of Steven away!) Thursday, I'm having a drink with someone I saw a month ago, right before he went out of town. My gut feeling is that it won't lead to anything. I think he is more interested in 'play,' and I don't want to go there.

And, of course, there are several more men I'm flirting with on-line. So, objectively, it is fine. But emotionally, I feel a little hollow inside. Part of it seems to be a string of men who have disappeared after they've gotten my photo. That's never happened to me before. I'm not sure why, given that it is the same photo I've been using for the last 5 months. I don't think saying "this is from September of 07" is really so long ago that it is a red flag. I did mention I go to the gym on my new ad. Maybe that needs to disappear--I do go to the gym, but I don't look like the kind of gal that goes to the gym. But something is going on, and that, of course, is hitting my self-esteem.

And I'm getting obsessed with the food I'm not eating. I don't think I've ever been this obsessed with food before, but I'm also been pretty damn disciplined about eating healthily (although that seems to be slipping, and it can't slip--food issues and weight and self esteem are things I may someday have a little more clarity on, but they are scary things to touch. Even here.)

So I'm watching the mood swings (and I should ad, I don't think anyone else is aware of my mood swings--I keep that closely under wraps) and trying to find an equilibrium.