Every year, I have this amazing and magical weekend, where I feel the possibilities of youth. The possibilities of possibilities. Where I think I could remake myself and take the road I didn't take. Or I could remake myself and combine both paths I care about. (Ack, I almost wrote 'about which I care' to avoid ending in a preposition--what a geek I am that, even tipsy, I'm scared of breaking one of Strunk and White's commandments!) When I was younger anything possible, though nothing was probable. Than I started making some pretty impressive accomplishments, and it was like very accomplishment slammed a door shut. My accomplishments more than my failures in a weird way. Failures could be forgotten, hidden, politely brushed under the carpet. But accomplishments were written up in Who's Who is America. They never forget anything. And Who's Who means the top 1%. But who cares about the top 1% that isn't in the top 1/100th of 1%. For every James Franco, there's a thousand guys working on their 2nd PhD that just seems like a loser. (Oooh--judgmental. If I weren't tipsy, I'd be more polite. But I am, so I'm not (and my spelling is atrocious--thank heavens for spell check!).
Yes, I'm still quite tipsy, and wired, but I'm still on pacific time and everyone else is on Eastern time and it was time to go back to my hotel and not do anything stupid. David and I said we wouldn't sleep with other people (even though we haven't slept with each other), so for some crazy reason, men were coming out of the woodwork to flirt with me. Guys were dancing with me, putting their hands around my waist, offering to take me in their cab, get me drinks, laughing at my jokes, swearing to get me work and overall making me feel like a queen of the ball. But the energy had started to change and I felt less comfortable with the crowd (although I was relishing in the attention; one of the after-parties clearly felt like an audition for new talent--maybe I'm still young enough to qualify as new talent!)
But being tipsy lets me write without censoring myself, or at least without censoring myself as much as I usually do. (And I won't let myself go to sleep until I've had at least 8 ounces of water for every drink I've had and I drank 6 drinks in the last 7 hours, which is honestly more than I've had in the last 7 months, I think. Probably not, but pretty close.)
Typically, this time each year, I'm blue because I have to go back to my quotidian life, but I think David and I will have sex this week. We've already talked about how it is too early to talk about marriage. We've had amazing not-sex. I really like him. I like so much about him. And he is such a generous lover (for not-sex--hopefully that carries over). We were talking about what I might be allowed to do, and he basically said 'as long as you are obedient, you can do whatever you want.' The Ex wouldn't let me initiate sex, even with sultry looks. He finally let me kiss him, because he realized how devastating it was to my self-esteem that he was saying I couldn't initiate sex in any way. I asked David what he liked for under-things, and he said he wanted me to be comfortable and feel sexy, but he might buy me things from time to time. What a generous statement!
The only thing I'm aware of wishing from David is something that Joshua started, actually, which is using D/s to support me in finishing career goals. But I have a feeling, if I ever had the courage to ask for it, David would be happy to do that for me. He is amazingly engaged and supportive.
I think there was a point to this post. Other than not censoring, liking David and the possibilities possibilities.
David likes texts. I like phone calls. He called me this week and I couldn't take the call, and then I was like "he hasn't called for no reason since we actually met--he must be breaking up with me." And I called him back, and he couldn't wait to feel my touch. I would really like to get to the point of being able to just appreciate that he was doing something because he knew I liked it.
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