Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth

It was a really rough Christmas, but another fucking opportunity for growth (AFOG). 

I’m still not quite sure what happened, but the dinner after I arrived, my brother was busy with his 3-year-old and his 1-year-old.  He would drift in an out of the conversation and we would pay attention to the 3-year-old when the kid wanted attention, but we were also caching up a bit—I haven’t seen anyone since August.  I made a comment that I really liked the TSA-Precheck and suggested that my brother and sister-in-law get it because there kids would be covered too.  My dad asked me about some of his friends in Seattle.

Then my brother got SO angry at me.  He claimed I was "manipulating and dominating" the conversation so it was all about me.  He knows I care about politics and thought the comment about TSA was me bringing up politics again in an inappropriate time.

From my point of view, he was distracted by his kids and people haven’t seen me for months.  I don’t actually care about TSA.  (Police murdering black kids is my current political obsession.)  My dad did ask about some mutual friends and I answered, but if my brother had been fully engaged, we probably wouldn’t have gone there.  (In my opinion, my brother isn’t usually a very good host.  I tend to really like things like table napkins and water, and he never has them for company.  He usually drops the silverware in a pile in the middle, has a stack of bowls and we ladle out soup.)  We were working around the kids.

But what I think is worth blogging is how hard he laid into me.  There was a situation created by 7 people, but according to my brother, it was all my fault. 

Both my mom and dad stood up for me and basically said: “You were raised to think everything was Connie’s fault and it isn’t.”  My dad said he started therapy because he didn’t want to treat me that way anymore. That was nice.  I’m not used to feeling like anyone ever takes my side in anything. 

It makes me realize why I crave male approval so much because male disapproval was SO awful growing up.  Something would set my dad off then (or my brother now), that was really little, and he would just attack me.  I had to predict what he wanted because he wouldn’t say “hey—can you do this.”  My brother could have said “hey, I’m feeling left out.” But instead he said “Connie is manipulating and dominating.”

And I over-react.  They are just words.  But I had been in this really lovely space before this happened, for a couple of weeks.  I was feeling confident and like my heart was getting bigger.  Both my parents clearly thought I was in love with someone, which I’m not but it was nice to find that place just on my own.  Work has been a constant source of stress for years, and now it isn’t.  But I haven’t been able to get back there since my brother lit into me.  I’m not in a horrible space, but not in a joyous one either.  I’m SO tired of watching everything I do and I had sort of gotten away from that.  Now, I’m not fully answering people’s questions and trying to avoid eye contact with anyone when my brother is around.  Mostly, I’m singing to my one-year-old niece (very softly—wouldn’t want to appear to dominate things) and doing dishes.  I taught my nephew "Angels We Have Heard on High" and he liked the "gloria" part that I love.  My brother is very happy to have a conversation that is between him and my dad with the women folk off taking care of the dishes and kids.  I wouldn’t say, ouloud, that he is manipulating and dominating so everything is about him, but I sure do feel it.

Love Hurts

This podcast series made me cry.






This could be me.  Except in many ways she is way more successful than I am. I admire her series SO much!!  I didn't date much at all in my 20s.  But I did date in my 30s.  Well the 2nd half of my 30s.  I got fuckable after 35 and have dated pretty non-stop.  I actually date more than most of my single friends combined.  But now, at 43, I'm still fuckable, but if I want to have a kid, I need to do that soon.  I haven't, in the last 10 years, met someone serious.

I love her courage and her vulnerability.  I'm frankly in awe.  She does, in podcast form, which is so much more intimate and vulnerable, what I try to do here.  And she does it with her realCam name.

A couple more things that have come up:

Butterflies:  Are they good?  I totally get her view of being wary of them. Martin was the first guy who gave me butterflies in a very long time.  And I don't know if I can hope for butterflies again.  But I also know that butterflies haven't always led me in the right direction.

Not about me: I did learn with John that it isn't always about me.  I know that.  I have a feeling with Martin, it wasn't about me either.  Or at least not all about me.  

What do I want/need
Is it too much with kink to have a guy who loves dominating, but cherishes his partner?  Have I put too much emphasis on kink?  Should I
The guy who found her podcast and said "Don't worry, it made me like you more."  That won't be me, because this is anonymous.  But I guess I wish, somehow, like with MaxEarnst, he fell for me because of this blog.

I have a good life.  (I say that a lot because I'm trying to avoid getting maudlin, but also because it is true.)

Camry vs. Ferrari
If you listen to the last episode, a guy that she didn't want to date talked with her, and gave her some advice, which is "you're a Ferrari--most guys can't handle a ferrari. But the man that wants one, will absolutely love it."  She gives him a lot of pushback, wants to be a camry.  I found it SO interesting because he was saying how strong she was and she said "I'm not when I date."  She (and I) see ourselves as outside the norm.  I told someone recently that I wished I had 30 less IQ points--life would be SO much easier if I were within 2 standard deviations of normal.  All those extra IQ points get me are being stubborn, noticing flaws that aren't necessary to notice, not a hell of a lot more.  She also spoke about how she had a dating persona, that was softer.  I think I do that somewhat too.  I probably do it less on the phone, and what makes me sad about Martin is that he liked me better as Connie, than as dating-Connie, and I didn't realize it or get there quick enough.

I have to say, the whole series left me far more content.  Yes, I'm single.  Yes, that kind of sucks in our society.  Yes, it is lovely to have someone to cuddle up next to.  But maybe there isn't much wrong with me.  Maybe I need to own my strength more, put it out there.  I think I actually do in my written profile, but I don't trust that a man will love it.

Emotional Creatures

I read this really interesting article, and here's the dirty truth: I don't always trust the feelings of women as much as I do the feelings of men.  And, without a doubt, if a man is upset at me, I will get a bit frantic, trying to make it right.  Right now, a woman is having, what I consider to be a temper tantrum at me, and I'm annoyed at her behaviour (don't beg to stay with me then slam a door at 2 in the morning!), but it doesn't impact my equilibrium.

If a guy behaved this way, well honestly, if  a guy behaved this way, I'd be genuinely scared.  The truth is, we don't let men have full range of anger the way we permit women  We don't take women hitting men seriously as a problem and we accept a little irrational anger from women because we view them as moody and emotional, but also impotent.

But tone that anger one level down, if a man I had any respect for at all (and honestly, I've lost respect for this woman, and I lost it quicker than I would have if a man did the same thing, because I don't see my behaviour, or even more, who-I-am-as-a-human-being, as being flawed in this situation), it would make me frantic to make it right.  And even that phrase "make it right" implies I've done something wrong that can be set right.  

When women criticize me, if if I already respected them, it can annoy me, but I lose respect for the woman criticizing me fairly quickly. (I try to look at the behaviour and see if I have done things that need to be changed, but I'm quick to say "why didn't you just ask me to ___________.") When a man I respect (and they are few and far between) criticizes me, I lose respect for myself.  (And yes, I over-react to criticism from anyone I respect.)

So there it is.  Gender norms aren't just things men do to women.  They are part of a system that have impacted us always.  My mom nurtured me; my dad criticized me.  (And this was more extreme in my life than in many others.)  And I perpetuate the system.  But frankly, I think I'm pretty good at solving problems with women.  I want to get more like an observer watching with interest, but not passion, with others.

2015 and Beyond

So I've basically ended things with the last guy.  I told him when he is in my town, I'm happy to get coffee, but I realized he was putting most of the work on me and he was also really taking me for granted.  It is weird because he would literally text me 500 times in a day (I would text him back, but I use google voice, so I can text from my computer--I would never send 500 texts from my phone in a day!) but it isn't necessarily because he adored me--it is because he adores his phone.  He couldn't put the damn thing away when we were together.  And I want someone who can.  (There were other things too, but this is a big one.)

And yet: I have not put my profile back up.  And I'm not sure if I should.  Do I want to ride this roller-coaster again?  Or do I want to try to get pregnant on my own in 2015.  I don't think I'm capable of dating and dealing with the fertility clinic.  When I meet someone I like, I want to have everything with that person.  Martin would have been worth waiting a year or two for.  But that is over.  And frankly, I'm not sure I'm strong enough to ride that roller-coaster yet again, with someone else.  I really do want to have a kid.  And if I go that way, in, say, 4 years, I could probably start dating again.  

The whole thing is terrifying.  

I'm so sad Stephen Colbert is killing off his character tonight.  And I'm sure he's doing it because he would be tempted to revisit his character, and this way he can't.  I'm not sure I can actually watch it.  But part of me thinks I should delete, instead of just hiding, my CollarMe profile.  Make a break and move on to the next chapter of my life.

I won't do it quite yet. FOr all I know, I'll unhide it in a couple of weeks.  But I'm thinking about it.

Setting Limits

I suck at setting limits.  I'm absolutely horrible.

There is a guy--(I blogged about him a month or two ago) who wants to be friends and has a girlfriend.  And sometimes it is fine, but he wanted to know where "Dotty" lived and I told him the state, but wouldn't say where and he really was pushing me because he has spent some time in that state.  I told him bluntly No, and he got all pissy about it!  He was like "you gave me googleable photos and I didn't google them.  I'm not a bad guy."  And I was like "I gave you pictures of me; I will not, under any circumstances, give info to you that makes Dotty googleable."  And he kept being annoyed with me.

And it made me feel HORRIBLE!

Now I'm 100% sure that my ethics are clear on this.  I can take risks with my own safety.  I try to be wise about it, but I cannot take risks with Dotty.  (I trusted him enough to send on some photos that are googleable.  For what it is worth, I have a very large google footprint; the first three pages of results on my first name and last name, without a middle initial even, are all of me and they tell you where I work, where I live, how much I've paid for my house, and a ton of other information; Likewise, Dotty has an even larger google footprint than I do.  Google is a very real deal for both of us.)

So why does it make me feel so horrible?

Well, for one, it isn't very submissive.  I'm saying "No, this is the way it will be."  But I've never submitted to him.  I don't think that is it.

He implied that I hurt his feelings, and I work really hard to not hurt people's feelings.  He took it personally, when I wouldn't tell anyone I didn't know well who knew my blog where she lived.  But the implication of hurt feelings makes me feel like I've really done something wrong.

I also crave male approval. And more than that, male disapproval is very hard for me, if I have any respect at all for a guy. I just wanted this guy to say "Oh, sorry--I get it; my bad" but he really viewed it as an insult and pushed harder.  In all honesty, this makes me think I should just cut off all contact with him--he makes me feel shitty more often than he makes me feel good.  

Is it that "I have to be perfect to be loved?" Is it that I didn't have a lot of limits respected growing up and it is easier to have a limit you haven't established ignored than someone plow right over one I've tried to make clear?  I've never been good about standing up for myself, but I thought I was good about standing up for other people.  I never wavered on not saying where Dotty lived, but it really did make me feel shitty.

I have noticed that I tend to let a few people in, and those people, I really do crave their approval.  But anyone not in my inner circle, I don't care about what they think.  But I'm not good at looking at each thing and weighing the advice.  It tends to be linked to the person.

I do set some limits when dating in the beginning and if a guy ignores it, I just toss them into the 'crazy' bucket.  (For example, you'd be shocked how many men want to come over to my apartment on a first meet!  I have NO problem telling them no.)  But once I know someone better, I get really lousy really quickly at this.

Surrendering but not

So, the grown-up in me has come to an amazing realization:  if I want to keep seeing this man, I have to ask for what I need.

I'm really not very good at that.  And for some things, I don't know how.  "I want to feel cherished--you don't have to pay for everything, but make me feel cherished in other ways."  Not very specific.  And even saying something like that is really hard for me.  I sort of feel like I should appreciate what is offered.  I would never have a gift registry--how is this not like demanding what someone buys your for a present?  

One of my friends has two daughters--4 and 6, and she wants them to be good at asking for what they want when they are older.  She is teaching them to ask for what they like for meals, for books, for games.  The girls will say things like "that isn't the kind of book I like."  On one level, I couldn't imagine saying something like that.  It would never have been tolerated when I was a child: I'm giving you a gift (reading you a book) and you're going to criticize which one I pick?  If someone offers, you can give a request, but don't volunteer it.  Appreciate what is given.  Graciously.

But why the hell not?  Does any adult actually care which book they are reading until kids are old enough for Harry Potter or the Mixed up Files or Alice in Wonderland?  Why should I be reading Pippi Longstockings if they'd rather hear something else? I'm reading because I think they would enjoy it, so it makes sense!  And her girls are super-nice about not always getting what they like.  "I don't really like parsnips, but the noodles are good."  Totally different than what I learned.  But why not?

So, whether or not this guy and I work, I think it would be really good for me to try to express what I want.  It is kind of scary that I don't even know where to start.

Settling ....

I was driving home from a date (a long, long, long way--180 miles!) and I was crying. The radio seemed to channel what I needed to hear--it was kind of amazing: First we had a medley of "the man that got away" (which I sang, obsessively, after John died), with "It Never Entered my Mind," which seemed to taunt me in my present situation:

Once I laughed when I heard you saying                                       That I'd be playing solitaire 

Uneasy in my easy chair ....
I'd awaken with the sun
And order orange juice for one
It never entered my mind
You had what I lack, myself
Now I even have to scratch my back myself
Once you warned me that if you scorned me
I'd say a lonely prayer again
And wish that you were there again
To get into my hair again
It never entered my mind
Once you warned me that if you scorned me
I'd say a lonely prayer again
And wish that you were there again
To get into my hair again
It never entered my mind

And then they played the dirtiest version of "Everything I've Got Belongs to you" that I have ever heard.  I always thought it was as kinky as Lorenz Hart goes (and that's saying something), but this one was filthy (this is a little cleaner than what they played, but I can't find what they played on-line, alas)

I'm terrified to tell this guy I won't see other people.  It feels like such a compromise. I can't look at him and say "that's all I ever need."  I took out my phone to text Martin, to ask him if he was sure.  And then I got my wits back and deleted the text. He knows where I am, and if he weren't sure, I'm sure he would have contacted me. But damn.  In 10 years since I started doing the kink thing (wow--can't believe it has been that long) there were 3 men I fell for hard: John; MaxEarnest and Martin.  MaxEarnest was lovely.  And we tried to make it work, and I see why it won't. John was so very painful, but I know he cared for me too and it just wasn't right.  I just feel stupid I still care about Martin.

When I first started dating Martin, I didn't think it could work (mostly because of the age thing) and I prayed to a God I don't believe in, "please, if it isn't going to work, let me know sooner rather than later."  And the God I don't believe in granted that prayer.

When I started dating this guy, I prayed to the same God I don't believe in, "Please, let this work."  This guy is also too young for me (but older than Martin).  And it could work.  It really could.  But I don't think I could ever fall in love with him.  I think it would always feel like a compromise. Honestly, I want more than he is offering.  Somehow, one date at Dave and Busters seemed playful and silly and sure-why-not?  And I don't mind paying for myself.  And I don't mind that he pulls my hair is a way that hurt-hurts rather than surrender-hurts.  But I do mind that I showed him how I liked it and he went back to the way he was doing it.  Martin knew what I loved without me telling, and I'm sure if I were good he would have done what I liked. And I mind that this guys asks me to scratch his leg, then zones out and rests his hand on his shoulder so his hand is between me and him.  And I mind that he checks his cell phone about once every 5 minutes.  And long-term, I really respect a lot of his tenacity.  But I don't respect all his choices.  I pay for myself because he doesn't have much money at all, even though we make about the same. That's OK--(It is called feminist surrenders, after all), but I don't feel cherished by him in other ways. I don't respect his money choices. My only debt is my mortgage (which is half-paid-off because I believe in long-term frugality) and I have about 250k in various savings.  He has no assets, spends too much on a rental apartment (and I'm judgmental here, which might be hypocritical because 4 years ago, I blew all my savings and was scraping by to buy a place that was bigger than I needed, but I feel like it is different because I was buying and he's renting--why blow your budget on a rental--I just don't get it).  He has joked multiple times that he wishes I'd buy him an PS4 for Christmas.  And the joke has happened enough that I wonder if he's joking.  I know how badly he wants one.  I know that I wouldn't notice the money missing from my checking account.  but I know I would resent buying him a $500 (or whatever they cost) present unless he did something similar for me.  And I don't want or need a $500 present.  It is weird--I would love a handmade card.  OK, truth be told if we had been going out longer and he bought me pretty jewelry, I would love it.  But $100 jewelry--I don't need $500.

He wants to stop seeing other people; I only have to say the word.  He has already started to talk about how we might make this work longer-term.  But I don't want another night at Dave and Busters.  I mean, sure that would be fine twice a year.  But not until, say, the 4th of July.  I want to go along with what he wants.  But I want him to want what I want!  Isn't that every submissive's dilemma?  Of course, I'm keeping him at arms length because I'm not ready to sleep with him and there are really limited choices halfway between us.  Maybe if I went and spent the weekend it would be better.  But I'm sure if we had sex, I'd start to fall, and I just don't know if this is all I can hope for.

He could be good enough.  He is kinky, liberal, smart, hard-working and likes Sondheim.  I would have thought Sondheim meant more than it seems to.  But his world seems rather small to me.  And I'm not sure I can be happy confined in it.

Normalization of Kink

I'm reading Tiffany Reisz' books, which are great (although I don't like The Mistress as much as the first three).  But in them, all the characters are incredibly kinky (and ridiculously hot), and they are also a bit damaged.  But kink isn't the damage--that is the salvation--damage comes from denying who one is, or from other things.  Like the way the closet so badly hurt gay people.  And then I was reading The New York Times and came across an article on men who use date rape drugs that ended by saying:  "Often enough, therapists say, people with such sexual preferences can learn to integrate those into a healthy, consensual relationship — sadomasochism, for instance, bondage, or foot fetish."

WOW!  The New York Times is saying "hey--some twisted people are able to find a good way to handle it through healthy S&M relationships!" 

I was really enjoying Tiffany Reisz's books.  (I think I blogged about The Siren earlier this year.  I was being very good and just getting one at a time, as a reward, but (spoiler alert) the third one ended with our heroine kidnapped and the fourth one has her in jeopardy--I feel like the 4th one Reisz loses a bit of what I love about the books because although I'm sure our heroine isn't going to be killed, it has that stress running under it, and had almost no hot sex scenes.  The sex is more hardcore than I am, but deeply interesting.  In one scene, our heroine comes into her Dom's bedroom and sees black sheets, which means knife play.  I don't think I could ever be someone who could acquiesce to that with openness and excitement, but at the same time, I loved the ritual element of it.  Not the knife play as much as the black sheets.

In the books, the lead heroine is Nora, and she is voracious, kinky, bi, switch and totally without shame. In one scene, she's having sex with a vanilla guy and while I think of her as more submissive than dominant because her primarily relationship is with her Dom, she is so straight-forward about telling her vanilla lover what she likes. I've never been good at that.  I think I reread that scene about 5 times, noticing it is quite hot the way she does it, but also very assertive.  She does sometimes question if kink is necessary to her.  She always seems to come back to it, without shame.  Sure, she sometimes wonders what it would be like to have less bruises, but there is this joyous voraciousness.

It is funny, Dotty was here and she knows the guy I'm currently crushing on was from a kinky website, and Dotty is convinced I'm really not very kinky.  Of course, I think Dotty's years in an emergency room may have made her conflate careless (or horribly unlucky) with what she defines as kinky.  (Dotty is MOST definitely not-at-all kinky--had a lover 20 years ago that liked to spank her and she HATED it.)  But it was also Dotty sortof saying "Connie-don't apologize.  I know you're kinky--but you aren't going to be in the emergency room with a Statue of Liberty replica up your ass that you can't get out--you're well within a single standard of deviation of normal."  

The heroine of the books, Nora, could live a more glamorous life than she does, but both she and her Dom go back and forth between the normal world and the kink world.  They can pass in either.  They don't apologize for who or how they love, even if they have sensible regrets about other things. 

I feel like I'm close to grasping that.  I haven't written about my current crushing, in part because this man has made a place where he and I are already talking about things I would normally save for here. And so, I don't have that aching need to unravel knots here--I've already untangled things with him.  He has also shared incredibly personal stuff with me.  I haven't told him about this blog, but I wouldn't want to share anything about him that is personal, so I don't know how to write about it.  But I also don't feel the need.  Maybe because, in my opinion, angst is the foundation of good blogging and, at least for the moment, I seem to be feeling less angst.