Settling ....

I was driving home from a date (a long, long, long way--180 miles!) and I was crying. The radio seemed to channel what I needed to hear--it was kind of amazing: First we had a medley of "the man that got away" (which I sang, obsessively, after John died), with "It Never Entered my Mind," which seemed to taunt me in my present situation:

Once I laughed when I heard you saying                                       That I'd be playing solitaire 

Uneasy in my easy chair ....
I'd awaken with the sun
And order orange juice for one
It never entered my mind
You had what I lack, myself
Now I even have to scratch my back myself
Once you warned me that if you scorned me
I'd say a lonely prayer again
And wish that you were there again
To get into my hair again
It never entered my mind
Once you warned me that if you scorned me
I'd say a lonely prayer again
And wish that you were there again
To get into my hair again
It never entered my mind

And then they played the dirtiest version of "Everything I've Got Belongs to you" that I have ever heard.  I always thought it was as kinky as Lorenz Hart goes (and that's saying something), but this one was filthy (this is a little cleaner than what they played, but I can't find what they played on-line, alas)

I'm terrified to tell this guy I won't see other people.  It feels like such a compromise. I can't look at him and say "that's all I ever need."  I took out my phone to text Martin, to ask him if he was sure.  And then I got my wits back and deleted the text. He knows where I am, and if he weren't sure, I'm sure he would have contacted me. But damn.  In 10 years since I started doing the kink thing (wow--can't believe it has been that long) there were 3 men I fell for hard: John; MaxEarnest and Martin.  MaxEarnest was lovely.  And we tried to make it work, and I see why it won't. John was so very painful, but I know he cared for me too and it just wasn't right.  I just feel stupid I still care about Martin.

When I first started dating Martin, I didn't think it could work (mostly because of the age thing) and I prayed to a God I don't believe in, "please, if it isn't going to work, let me know sooner rather than later."  And the God I don't believe in granted that prayer.

When I started dating this guy, I prayed to the same God I don't believe in, "Please, let this work."  This guy is also too young for me (but older than Martin).  And it could work.  It really could.  But I don't think I could ever fall in love with him.  I think it would always feel like a compromise. Honestly, I want more than he is offering.  Somehow, one date at Dave and Busters seemed playful and silly and sure-why-not?  And I don't mind paying for myself.  And I don't mind that he pulls my hair is a way that hurt-hurts rather than surrender-hurts.  But I do mind that I showed him how I liked it and he went back to the way he was doing it.  Martin knew what I loved without me telling, and I'm sure if I were good he would have done what I liked. And I mind that this guys asks me to scratch his leg, then zones out and rests his hand on his shoulder so his hand is between me and him.  And I mind that he checks his cell phone about once every 5 minutes.  And long-term, I really respect a lot of his tenacity.  But I don't respect all his choices.  I pay for myself because he doesn't have much money at all, even though we make about the same. That's OK--(It is called feminist surrenders, after all), but I don't feel cherished by him in other ways. I don't respect his money choices. My only debt is my mortgage (which is half-paid-off because I believe in long-term frugality) and I have about 250k in various savings.  He has no assets, spends too much on a rental apartment (and I'm judgmental here, which might be hypocritical because 4 years ago, I blew all my savings and was scraping by to buy a place that was bigger than I needed, but I feel like it is different because I was buying and he's renting--why blow your budget on a rental--I just don't get it).  He has joked multiple times that he wishes I'd buy him an PS4 for Christmas.  And the joke has happened enough that I wonder if he's joking.  I know how badly he wants one.  I know that I wouldn't notice the money missing from my checking account.  but I know I would resent buying him a $500 (or whatever they cost) present unless he did something similar for me.  And I don't want or need a $500 present.  It is weird--I would love a handmade card.  OK, truth be told if we had been going out longer and he bought me pretty jewelry, I would love it.  But $100 jewelry--I don't need $500.

He wants to stop seeing other people; I only have to say the word.  He has already started to talk about how we might make this work longer-term.  But I don't want another night at Dave and Busters.  I mean, sure that would be fine twice a year.  But not until, say, the 4th of July.  I want to go along with what he wants.  But I want him to want what I want!  Isn't that every submissive's dilemma?  Of course, I'm keeping him at arms length because I'm not ready to sleep with him and there are really limited choices halfway between us.  Maybe if I went and spent the weekend it would be better.  But I'm sure if we had sex, I'd start to fall, and I just don't know if this is all I can hope for.

He could be good enough.  He is kinky, liberal, smart, hard-working and likes Sondheim.  I would have thought Sondheim meant more than it seems to.  But his world seems rather small to me.  And I'm not sure I can be happy confined in it.