Love Hurts

This podcast series made me cry.






This could be me.  Except in many ways she is way more successful than I am. I admire her series SO much!!  I didn't date much at all in my 20s.  But I did date in my 30s.  Well the 2nd half of my 30s.  I got fuckable after 35 and have dated pretty non-stop.  I actually date more than most of my single friends combined.  But now, at 43, I'm still fuckable, but if I want to have a kid, I need to do that soon.  I haven't, in the last 10 years, met someone serious.

I love her courage and her vulnerability.  I'm frankly in awe.  She does, in podcast form, which is so much more intimate and vulnerable, what I try to do here.  And she does it with her realCam name.

A couple more things that have come up:

Butterflies:  Are they good?  I totally get her view of being wary of them. Martin was the first guy who gave me butterflies in a very long time.  And I don't know if I can hope for butterflies again.  But I also know that butterflies haven't always led me in the right direction.

Not about me: I did learn with John that it isn't always about me.  I know that.  I have a feeling with Martin, it wasn't about me either.  Or at least not all about me.  

What do I want/need
Is it too much with kink to have a guy who loves dominating, but cherishes his partner?  Have I put too much emphasis on kink?  Should I
The guy who found her podcast and said "Don't worry, it made me like you more."  That won't be me, because this is anonymous.  But I guess I wish, somehow, like with MaxEarnst, he fell for me because of this blog.

I have a good life.  (I say that a lot because I'm trying to avoid getting maudlin, but also because it is true.)

Camry vs. Ferrari
If you listen to the last episode, a guy that she didn't want to date talked with her, and gave her some advice, which is "you're a Ferrari--most guys can't handle a ferrari. But the man that wants one, will absolutely love it."  She gives him a lot of pushback, wants to be a camry.  I found it SO interesting because he was saying how strong she was and she said "I'm not when I date."  She (and I) see ourselves as outside the norm.  I told someone recently that I wished I had 30 less IQ points--life would be SO much easier if I were within 2 standard deviations of normal.  All those extra IQ points get me are being stubborn, noticing flaws that aren't necessary to notice, not a hell of a lot more.  She also spoke about how she had a dating persona, that was softer.  I think I do that somewhat too.  I probably do it less on the phone, and what makes me sad about Martin is that he liked me better as Connie, than as dating-Connie, and I didn't realize it or get there quick enough.

I have to say, the whole series left me far more content.  Yes, I'm single.  Yes, that kind of sucks in our society.  Yes, it is lovely to have someone to cuddle up next to.  But maybe there isn't much wrong with me.  Maybe I need to own my strength more, put it out there.  I think I actually do in my written profile, but I don't trust that a man will love it.