Setting Limits

I suck at setting limits.  I'm absolutely horrible.

There is a guy--(I blogged about him a month or two ago) who wants to be friends and has a girlfriend.  And sometimes it is fine, but he wanted to know where "Dotty" lived and I told him the state, but wouldn't say where and he really was pushing me because he has spent some time in that state.  I told him bluntly No, and he got all pissy about it!  He was like "you gave me googleable photos and I didn't google them.  I'm not a bad guy."  And I was like "I gave you pictures of me; I will not, under any circumstances, give info to you that makes Dotty googleable."  And he kept being annoyed with me.

And it made me feel HORRIBLE!

Now I'm 100% sure that my ethics are clear on this.  I can take risks with my own safety.  I try to be wise about it, but I cannot take risks with Dotty.  (I trusted him enough to send on some photos that are googleable.  For what it is worth, I have a very large google footprint; the first three pages of results on my first name and last name, without a middle initial even, are all of me and they tell you where I work, where I live, how much I've paid for my house, and a ton of other information; Likewise, Dotty has an even larger google footprint than I do.  Google is a very real deal for both of us.)

So why does it make me feel so horrible?

Well, for one, it isn't very submissive.  I'm saying "No, this is the way it will be."  But I've never submitted to him.  I don't think that is it.

He implied that I hurt his feelings, and I work really hard to not hurt people's feelings.  He took it personally, when I wouldn't tell anyone I didn't know well who knew my blog where she lived.  But the implication of hurt feelings makes me feel like I've really done something wrong.

I also crave male approval. And more than that, male disapproval is very hard for me, if I have any respect at all for a guy. I just wanted this guy to say "Oh, sorry--I get it; my bad" but he really viewed it as an insult and pushed harder.  In all honesty, this makes me think I should just cut off all contact with him--he makes me feel shitty more often than he makes me feel good.  

Is it that "I have to be perfect to be loved?" Is it that I didn't have a lot of limits respected growing up and it is easier to have a limit you haven't established ignored than someone plow right over one I've tried to make clear?  I've never been good about standing up for myself, but I thought I was good about standing up for other people.  I never wavered on not saying where Dotty lived, but it really did make me feel shitty.

I have noticed that I tend to let a few people in, and those people, I really do crave their approval.  But anyone not in my inner circle, I don't care about what they think.  But I'm not good at looking at each thing and weighing the advice.  It tends to be linked to the person.

I do set some limits when dating in the beginning and if a guy ignores it, I just toss them into the 'crazy' bucket.  (For example, you'd be shocked how many men want to come over to my apartment on a first meet!  I have NO problem telling them no.)  But once I know someone better, I get really lousy really quickly at this.