Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth

It was a really rough Christmas, but another fucking opportunity for growth (AFOG). 

I’m still not quite sure what happened, but the dinner after I arrived, my brother was busy with his 3-year-old and his 1-year-old.  He would drift in an out of the conversation and we would pay attention to the 3-year-old when the kid wanted attention, but we were also caching up a bit—I haven’t seen anyone since August.  I made a comment that I really liked the TSA-Precheck and suggested that my brother and sister-in-law get it because there kids would be covered too.  My dad asked me about some of his friends in Seattle.

Then my brother got SO angry at me.  He claimed I was "manipulating and dominating" the conversation so it was all about me.  He knows I care about politics and thought the comment about TSA was me bringing up politics again in an inappropriate time.

From my point of view, he was distracted by his kids and people haven’t seen me for months.  I don’t actually care about TSA.  (Police murdering black kids is my current political obsession.)  My dad did ask about some mutual friends and I answered, but if my brother had been fully engaged, we probably wouldn’t have gone there.  (In my opinion, my brother isn’t usually a very good host.  I tend to really like things like table napkins and water, and he never has them for company.  He usually drops the silverware in a pile in the middle, has a stack of bowls and we ladle out soup.)  We were working around the kids.

But what I think is worth blogging is how hard he laid into me.  There was a situation created by 7 people, but according to my brother, it was all my fault. 

Both my mom and dad stood up for me and basically said: “You were raised to think everything was Connie’s fault and it isn’t.”  My dad said he started therapy because he didn’t want to treat me that way anymore. That was nice.  I’m not used to feeling like anyone ever takes my side in anything. 

It makes me realize why I crave male approval so much because male disapproval was SO awful growing up.  Something would set my dad off then (or my brother now), that was really little, and he would just attack me.  I had to predict what he wanted because he wouldn’t say “hey—can you do this.”  My brother could have said “hey, I’m feeling left out.” But instead he said “Connie is manipulating and dominating.”

And I over-react.  They are just words.  But I had been in this really lovely space before this happened, for a couple of weeks.  I was feeling confident and like my heart was getting bigger.  Both my parents clearly thought I was in love with someone, which I’m not but it was nice to find that place just on my own.  Work has been a constant source of stress for years, and now it isn’t.  But I haven’t been able to get back there since my brother lit into me.  I’m not in a horrible space, but not in a joyous one either.  I’m SO tired of watching everything I do and I had sort of gotten away from that.  Now, I’m not fully answering people’s questions and trying to avoid eye contact with anyone when my brother is around.  Mostly, I’m singing to my one-year-old niece (very softly—wouldn’t want to appear to dominate things) and doing dishes.  I taught my nephew "Angels We Have Heard on High" and he liked the "gloria" part that I love.  My brother is very happy to have a conversation that is between him and my dad with the women folk off taking care of the dishes and kids.  I wouldn’t say, ouloud, that he is manipulating and dominating so everything is about him, but I sure do feel it.