So this is what I currently think about the whole situation.
A) I am taking John at his word that he really did care about me. There were times I felt like I was just a distraction, but I think that was my own insecurities. There is enough evidence (borrowing my ring, calling me his soul mate to a friend, 564 pages of e-mails) that I do really believe he cared about me. I'm even willing to believe that his reluctance to have sex was his wanting to protect me. He told he he'd done a lot of casual sex, and it didn't work. He could have had me anytime, and he knew it. That was a sacrifice he made.
B) John did, I think, know his body wasn't working well. He told me he had serious memory issues, and I didn't take that as seriously as I should have. He also had been tested for MS, Lou Gehrig's disease and several other issues. There was no way that I can think that this could have been prevented (aside from not smoking, and John loved his cigarettes too much to give them up; plus, he believed he had Parkinson's, and cigarettes actually help prevent the onset of that.)
C) John knew he could be unkind when he was upset. I think that's what he meant when he said he was a bit of a rough ride. I didn't deal with it well. Mostly, I'd get defensive and then he'd disappear. I really hate that we had unresolved arguments. Like everyone, I'm not perfect. Like everyone, John would get upset with me sometimes (and I even got upset with him sometimes.) Like everyone, we'd clash over the stupidest things sometimes. John wanted me to be more rugged. I think there is where. I think he wanted to be able to get angry with me and not have it damage my sense of self. But I loved him, so it did. I seem to protect myself by how close I allow someone to me. I have very few defenses against someone who is very close to me.
D) John said "I don't deserve you. You deserve the man I aspire to become." I wanted to take that journey with him, but he didn't want to 'dishonour' me and believed he would at that point in his life. And it is possible that he was right. I actually think his desire for bdsm was linked to wanting someone to embrace the part of him that he saw as causing other people pain.
E) I expect John would be touched by my love for him. But I know he would also want me to live a full and beautiful life. I think he thought it would be a better life without him (he was wrong, but there it is.) I think if he had any one wish for me it was to believe in myself. To be a little less fragile and a little more rugged.
F) I regret that John and I didn't have that year and a half together. I would give anything to have that year and a half together. But it would have been a hell of a hard year and a half. Between him losing his job, his mother dying, my dad's cancer, and the fact that we didn't do a good job of resolving conflicts. I honestly don't know how I would have been able to manage last summer with taking care of my dad if he'd been in the picture. But I'd still give anything for that time with him.
G) He said once that he was always so happy when he was with me, but he didn't know if I made him happy, or whenever he was happy he wanted to be with me. I hope he was happy when he contacted me in June. I hope he was happy when he died. (I consider his "dying" to be when he had his heart attack, not when they turned off the machine.) But ultimately, I want a partner who can be with me when he's sad too.
H) I regret telling him how badly he hurt me. I don't think I did anything wrong. I tried to behave with integrity and love. But I think it probably caused him remorse. He believed (foolishly in my opinion) that if we didn't have sex, he wouldn't hurt me. If there is an afterlife, and if in that afterlife people have any connection with the people of this world, I truly hope and pray that he knows that I'm so very glad that I met him. I have regrets, but mostly about not resolving stuff. I would not have given up any of the time we had--I just wish we'd had more. (If there is an afterlife, I also hope and pray that John finds true, unconditional love. The love his mother never had for him. Wouldn't it be lovely if there was a deity, whether or not it is personified, that could provide him with warmth and love and light?)
I) I'm trying to figure out why his death hit me so hard, when he had already absented himself from my life. (Ignoring whether or not his reaching out to me the week before he died meant anything, although that certainly meant something to me.) Part of it was realizing that I didn't believe the narrative that I had told myself (that he wasn't that into me--that I didn't mean anything to him). Realizing that he did care about me, that made it a lot harder that we didn't work. John put most of the onus on my, but I really think it wasn't either of us--it was the particular chemistry between the two of us.
It also means that this is truly it. I had a feeling that John was going to come back in my life in some way or other. I went through the motions of moving on. But I didn't do it completely. Even though part of me thinks that this is a joke, or an elaborate ruse on his part to force me to get over him and move on, I know it can't be. No one can fake an obit on the NY Times web site. This is it. There will be no coda.
I wear my ring now and it is no longer just my ring. It is the ring that John had with him for a year and a half. It has his energy. He said in one of his last e-mails that it was like I was waiting for cosmic permission to trust myself, to trust him. I'm trying to think of this ring as his blessing to trust us both.
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