Two Flawed Beautiful Humans in Their Flawed Beauty

Well, I got through all the e-mails. They come to 564 pages, 12 point, Times New Roman, Single Spaced. Probably about 10 pages of that are photos.

Wow.

So, here's what I noticed.

His final e-mails to me, some of the bigger complaints he had about me, maybe they were fair. But mostly, I don't think so. I know that John had memory problems (he told me so), and I really think that that contributed to our misunderstandings. For example, he said: What I recall is my attempting to reach out to YOU. I remember trying to engage you on the subject of my mother's death and getting something back like 'good thoughts!'"

What the e-mails say is I asked him if he wanted to get together and he said:

Can't, sorry. I just got laid off from my job and to top it all off, my mother died yesterday."

I'm so sorry. So sorry.

Then I wrote the next week: "I hope you're doing ok. If you need anything let me know. It's a standing offer. I'm so sorry you got clobbered so badly all at once." And he didn't reply.

(I should mention his mom had been sick for about a month, and I wrote every single week, asking how he was and if he needed anything. I did send an e-mail where I asked "How you holding up? Do you need anything?" and wrote "good thoughts" about 100 times below it and he wrote: "I'm okay." I didn't respond right away, but asked how he was the next week. I assume that is what he was talking about, but he didn't reach out to me. "I'm okay" is not exactly a reaching out.")

Now maybe I didn't fully communicate, but I don't think that this was a case of him actually reaching out to me. I don't know if there is an unsent e-mail in his drafts folder that he thought he sent, but I don't think he reached out to me in any way I could have known.

He also was frustrated with me about my 'arrogance:' But the day any highly educated expert speaking on the subject of her own field refuses to explain her position and falls back to simple appeal to authority, actually expecting me to suspend my inquiry without an explanation simply because She Has Spoken, well, there's only so much I can put up with.

I found the conversation, and I can't reprint all of it because it makes me too easily identifiable. But I mentioned a link to something I found interesting and he said: "Sorry Connie but you know that's pretty much a grocery list of everything I find reprehensible in the universe. That sort of thing makes me cranky - it's just so... *pointless*" I attempted to explain when I cared (in 2 pages) and he replied: "look at what you're calling serious Connie I mean, *look at what you're calling serious*. Sinking to the occasion isn't part of the solution, it's part of the problem. Turning the conversation into sound bites and snark is a complete waste of time. Taking sides in an argument between Dumb and Dumber is not looking into the pit, it's the pit looking into you." Then we get to my 'appeal to my own authority' that infuriated him.

You know I did my (really big professional accomplishment on that topic). That was the topic I cared enough about to be one of the largest undertakings I've ever done. (This other thing also linked, which is almost my e-mail handle and is the thing he is putting down) is one of my proudest accomplishments.

In the last five years, I've kind of lost my passion for (this other part of my work). But my respect for and engagement in (the first part) is what I still identify with out of that project. It has been a huge part of my professional work and remains part of my engagement with the intellectual side of my professional life. As I've lost interest in (the second part), I've shifted my research over more and more to (the first part).

I know you don't care for it--fine. But you don't have to put down my interest in it.

I look at that, and maybe it is a girl/guy thing, but I really don't think I was out of line. I hardly think this is a matter of me saying "I'm smarter than you." I only mentioned the accomplishments because the topic represents a huge amount of my work, and I wanted him to be maybe a little kinder about the parts of me he didn't respect.

He said that I lacked courage when he and I were together. "Honestly though Connie- it's not a revelation that you had feelings on the line - but the scale!? The scope!? You kept that from me.? I got a hell of a lot of composed small talk and not much of the steam beneath the surface.? I introduce the topic one more time:? candor!? Why now?? What was the problem?? I was open to you.? Why didn't you talk to me?"

Here's excerpts of what we wrote one evening in January of 2009:

I want to brainstorm about how I don't get badly hurt. I know you don't want to hurt me. I know you said "patience isn't rejection" but it feels like it. And I feel like this is feeding my worst insecurities.

As we both know, I like clarity and you like ambiguity. I know that you aren't certain, but it will drive me insane, so I'm wondering if there is a way we can find to way to fake it.

Would it be possible to just leave it as "we're not involved romantically" and you stop mentioning that you feel ambiguity? Treat me like a platonic friend. I don't mean to censor you--and I'm sorry to ask, but we need to find a way so it is good for both of us.

I got home from a date Saturday night and your e-mail (which was great, don't get me wrong), but you mentioned that you wouldn't need to alter your tone much if we were involved, and it just did a number on me and it makes it almost impossible for me to connect with another man because it is impossible that I'd have the intimacy with anyone else after a day or a week or a month that we have after over a year. And I can't just put my life on hold in hopes that a wind changes.

If the wind changes, then by all means, let me know and we'll see where I am at that point in my life. And if you ever care, if you want that pot to boil, and can think of ways to make it boil or test the temperature, go for it. But don't tell me your uncertainty.

Would that be something that would work for you OK? If not, what would work for you? I really do value you as a friend. I care about you a lot, and I don't want to be like arbitrary "this is the way it is." ...

You have been... less than forthcoming

Really? I absolutely thought in Sevilla I had been as straight forward with you as I've been with anyone ever.

a) I did not, did not, know that badly hurt was on the table - I cringe - you are the one person, with the possible exception of my sweet angelface baby sister, I would least like to hurt, and would never wish to put at risk of that

b) I definitely considered platonic friend the status quo and felt there was no harm done if we lingered there - I will positively electrocute myself if I've lead you on

c) I truly didn't realize it had become a concern that you might not develop with another what you and I had developed over time - though now I kick myself for not thinking of it

A) It's OK. If I get hurt, that's life. I'm a big girl. I know what I'm in for. I believe that you have to be willing to be hurt to live. The fact we're having this conversation is proof that I can take care of myself in that realm.

B) You just say things that make your ambiguity known. To me, if you say things that imply what you'd do if we were romantically involved, to me it sends a message that may not be what you meant.

C) That was why I told you over a year ago I couldn't be friends. I am inclined to believe that we have the ability to work through that, but I want to address it head on. With Edward, years and years ago, that is exactly what happened. I'm wiser than I was, but that was always the reason when I said I couldn't be your friend.

I am acutely aware of the honor you do me, Connie. I think of it every single day without fail. I know when I'm lucky.

I'm lucky to have someone to share with that I trust. But I don't want you to feel like if I bring stuff up it is a negative. It is actually something my father would love for me to do with him more than anything else on the planet!

"I'm lucky to have someone to share with that I trust."

Xeroxed my brain.

And who said anything you bring or have brought up is a negative?

I started to write: "I hope, believe and observe we are *better* than fine. Much if not all of our complaints fall into the category of "good problems to have". I persist in my unhurried approach. I acknowledge that you may respond to this as if it were a lack of zeal. I wish, without much expectation, that you could see it as a..." and then I paused and thought that oh, Connie, I do see what you want, I do see your unsatisfied craving, and I know you want a partner and I know my wait and see approach is not for you. I swear I never intended to leave you on the hook or disappoint you. And yet I cannot say "move on," because that is not my choice to make.

You know, this weekend, I very nearly, *very nearly* sent you a naughty email - knowing for a fact that you would like it - but I held back, as I always do, because I do not wish to start the sentence I can't finish.

I honestly had no idea you felt you were kept from something - I thought, perhaps, you felt you should... *pause*

I can't say still. I can't pause. I'll die inside. It will feed every single fear and insecurity I have. I remain open to possibilities. If those possibilities ever develop with you, I can't imagine ever wanting more.

But I can't put my life on hold and wait for you--I'd be impatient and frustrated. And frankly, I think I would drive you crazy.

I honestly don't think I'll find what I'm looking for. My biggest fear is I compromise again with someone like me ex, not in the same way, but compromise in a different way, and right when I start to get emotionally involved with him, it would seem like the two of us might have been a possibility and I live the rest of my life wondering what might have been.

All over town there are posters that say "He's Just Not That Into You."

Deep breaths, dear. Days don't matter. Or rather, the ones ahead do not matter as much as the ones behind. I am with you.

Only meant: no urgency, everything is fine, what we have is more valuable than what we risk...

Xoxo

Adore you,

John

And yet, this June:

I told you in the Christmas card that I assume you didn't get--I really did love you, John. So very much. More than I've ever loved anyone not in my family. You are absolutely lovable. And I really, really hope you find someone that you can trust and love and be loved. You deserve that.

Oh Connie, you're so sweet. Who knows how things might have developed had you possessed that kind of candor and bravery back in the window? You know the principal reason I held back was my worry that you were a wuss.

You have a selective memory. I kissed you once. And you turned it into a platonic kiss. And everything was on my blog. [n.b.: John had the URL and regularly read it earlier in our relationship. I asked to tell me either that he was or wasn't reading it, but he didn't and he evidently stopped reading it. I always assumed if he wanted to know how I felt, he would read it again.]

I am guilty of believing my recall is quite comprehensive on at least that and one or two more matters. I'm sorry, I didn't intend to commit some sort of topic necromancy. I was pretty sure we'd talked it to death. I'm not applying the wuss standard purely to the utter absence of courage and will, but to its insufficiency. Hahaha you were able to be open with me, just on your blog? I don't recall dating your blog :)

I'm sorry Connie, and I mean that sincerely, but my restraint was for your protection far more than it was for my own. I'm a bit of a rough ride, and you're a bit of a delicate flower. I often caught myself thinking you might emerge from your chrysalis at some point, which is why I kept (and I suppose in fairness keep) an eye on you. Two when I can spare them.

I knew that I was probably going to be hurt by you, because, for a while, I thought we were soul mates. Cheesy, yes. But true. (And truth be told, part of me is terrified I'll never meet someone I care about as much as you.) And when my friends said "he's going to hurt you" I said 'fine. The only way not to be hurt is to live in a bubble. I need to risk being vulnerable. And I'd rather deal with that, than not go for it." That was one of the bravest things I ever did. I gave so much of myself to you while you rejected me every single time. But whenever you said 'we need more time'--I believed you.

I also have to believe you knew I wanted to be with you. There's no way you didn't. The idea that if I uttered a magic word, when I threw myself at you, multiple times, that's silly. In an ideal world, we'd risk together. So when one person said "I adore you" the other would say "I adore you too." I risked and risked with you. I threw my dignity away and said "take me. I want you." You shouldn't demand that a woman say she loves you, when you aren't willing to return her statement saying "I adore you." It should be together. Not one person jumping off a cliff while the other one watches.

I want to be with someone who wants to be with me too. Not a hypothetical in the future. In actuality. Me. As I am. Flaws and all.

I did tell you I loved you once. I told you I loved you in a conversation where we were both talking about how neither of us believed we were lovable. I told you I loved you and you didn't say anything back.

So don't pin this all on me. It isn't my fault we didn't work out. Don't make me think "oh, if only I hadn't been a wuss." I think we didn't work out because each of us had fears and vulnerabilities that the other one interpreted as rejection at different moments. Either that, or you just weren't physically attracted to me.

John--I wanted some sort of closure with you. Some way to wish each other well. I do wish you well. And really support the other person in their life. To be perfectly honest, I still haven't moved on completely. I'm working on it. But I suppose, until someone touches me as deeply as you did, your impression remains with me. When I broke up with (the guy I dated last year), after nine months, I didn't miss him a bit; I thought of you. I never understood what happened. But I don't think you did either. It was just two flawed, beautiful humans in our flawed beauty. But don't say "if you had been different in this way, it would have worked." I have enough regrets in my life.

Reheated conversation, not unlike chili, sometimes tastes just as good if not better :)

YES, Connie, I have heard you!

- yes I know you spent a whole lot of time thinking that if you looked different things would be better. Yes, I really meant it when I said I liked the way you looked and didn't really care about that 1/1000ths as much as you did.

- Yes I know you thought I didn't trust you to enough to be vulnerable. Yes, I really meant it when I said that I did trust you enough, I just didn't happen to be vulnerable.

- Yes, I know you thought I was keeping you at a slight distance (loose/tight) because I was protecting myself. Yes, I really meant it when I said I was protecting you.

- hahaha YES, it's true that I caught you unready for something when I was rarin' to go. Yes, I really meant it when I said that this established a precedent in our interactions, and felt like I was *always* waiting for you to overcome just one more insecurity, just one more fear, just one more complex, just one more (to my mind) flimsy or imagined obstacle, which were it not for the respect I had (and have) for you, I would have just wrecking-balled through like the tissue paper I perceived each and every one of them to be. But not at your expense.

- I know you say you gave and risked so much, but putting your pinky toe within reach of the water splash is not the same as getting in the pool! Taping a feather to your head does not make you a chicken. Stated willingness to risk is not the same as actually doing it. Blogging your feelings is not the same as sharing them. You often behaved as if you were waiting for some sort of cosmic permission to simply trust me and trust yourself.

- Yes I know you had desire, and I hope you don't think I spent so much time with you because I was bored and needed something to do. I hope, and want very much to believe, that you know I was investing in the possibility of a future. But as above, desire to have something is not the same as capability. You think (yes, yes, a thousand times yes, I HEARD YOU) I was rejecting you, but really (as I said, sincerely, over and over) I was *waiting*.

- the flaws and all thing makes for excellent Lifetime, but in practice there are flaws which impact the viability of the project. If we were to surmount obstacles together, in a partnership, you needed to be able to *cash* those emotional checks you seemed so eager to write.

- and every time you attempted to throw away your dignity, I caught it and gave it back to you gently and with reverence.

*Whew*!

That certainly was exciting!

I love how fresh and alive this all feels (not kidding). You know, you can tell a real friend when you flip the calendar a few times and then pick up the conversation right where it left off :)

Proof we've been thinking of each other :)

Oh and another thing, while we're getting things out of our systems, I thought you were being really arrogant and that is something I have a wee spot of difficulty not going after with a bat. The precise calibration of self-perception is something I prize and respect as a fundamental virtue. Your particular bifurcation differs greatly from mine. In mine, I have come to appreciate that I am the meanest truly nice guy who ever walked the earth. I aspire to virtue, struggle to support the just, believe in anachronisms like honor and restraint and simple altruism. And I'm lucifer's personal hand of vengeance, sent down to strike the unworthy and laugh while he's doing it. I restrain the latter, until the former needs it to do right (or I get the very rare chance to take it out for recreational purposes, only when safe and responsible to do so) and otherwise I leave it in the toolbox.

You're different. Your halves are not *friends*. In some of your modes, you're wishing for the strength of another to gird you and encircle you, for another to lead so that you can be free from presenting an image you don't always feel. In others, you're dealing with the wish that you were stronger and smarter by pretending to be.

I let it go, a bunch of times, often with a mild admonishment quickly moved beyond. I'm sorry, Connie my dear, but what you think you know about the hard sciences you could put in a teacup with honey and hot water. You wouldn't know the first thing about economics if it jumped up and bit you in the face. Years of growing up with a psychologist (a fairly fringe-y one at that) have given you some terrible (and entrenched!) misconceptions about the way human beings think. Your sociology is trapped in a time machine stuck forty years in the past. Your politics are naïve to the point of auto-hate-the-other-guy and ALL of this I can dismiss with a pat on the head.

But the day any highly educated expert speaking on the subject of her own field refuses to explain her position and falls back to simple appeal to authority, actually expecting me to suspend my inquiry without an explanation simply because She Has Spoken, well, there's only so much I can put up with.

I was honestly, truly with you right up to that point. Up to that point I was willing to meander down many a fairly pointless path with you, simply because you were you, and I enjoyed picking daisies with you even though in the main I despised the picking of intellectual daisies as I hate hell and all Montagues. But it was you, and I would rather have been out picking daisies with you.

There were times, and they were many, during which I felt like you didn't entirely respect me. I am secure enough in my self-appraisal not to let that bother me... much. When you tried, for example, to educate me on the deflation spiral and I had to remind you that I read SEC filings for fun, I worried (briefly) that you thought I was much dumber than I am. But attempting a fundamental logic switcheroo on someone for whom logic is a medium of expression? I mean, I *think* in that language. From the base of your worst insecurities, and in defense of your greatest obfuscation of personal weakness, you insulted me. I got the clear impression that when it came time to prop up your fabricated mystique, you'd gladly throw your respect for me under a bus.

Something up with which I will not put. Yes, I understand you're trying to make sure you're respected as an equal. But the lady doth protest too much.

You lost respect for me, I lost respect for you. Fair trade. And it just so happened, life was full enough of its own weighty concerns that I quietly filed the matter under "things to deal with later".

Hmmm. Should I hit send? She's sounding pretty rugged, actually, which pleases me a great deal. I don't want to put cracks in her shell, but then again, I do want to be acknowledged as legitimately entitled to her respect. And I hope, hope, hope she can tell that the part I do *not* respect detracts not one molecule from the part I do. That believing myself to have some insight into her true character means that none of this bullshit is necessary. That if she has one place where she can truly be herself, "flaws and all," as it were, she should *do* so.

Because I will either a) snap down on a persona like a rat trap, or b) attempt, in my way, to deal with it gracefully by not dealing with it at all.

Hmmmm. Thinking thinking...

Oh well, fuck it.

I guess I was waiting for someone indication that you wanted to be in a romantic relationship with me. A kiss, I suppose. You were waiting for me to cash checks as much as I was waiting for you.

I wish you had taken the wrecking ball through the tissue.

Ah, well.

Tears.

Tissues.

Xanax.

Bed.

See, I could never do that, because that would put me at odds with one of your halves.

I could only reach one of them by damaging the other.

Please believe me, I wanted to take a fucking *machete* to the illusions and obstacles. But you worked so hard on them and still felt like you needed them in order to exist. I'm not going to blow your house down. If I did that, how could you know you could trust me?

Only in my restraint could you know that I cared. I would not embrace one half at the cost of the other. I would not embrace the strong, successful, entirely legitimate but incomplete Lady Chatterley, eligible bachelorette, world traveler, talented, glib, heroic... and leave innocent, vulnerable, delicate Connie out in the cold. I would not embrace the girl who longs for a Sir to keep her safe and love her, and show disrespect to the illustrious Lady Chatterley Esq.

Sadly, the only way I could show that I cared for you was by not giving either half what it wanted, because I, perhaps uniquely, perceive and care very much for *both*.

Hahaha and I wish you had been ready, truly ready, for the wrecking ball :)

I'm glad I got through everything. Somehow, or other, it seems to be helping. I realized that John and I could never have worked if I'd just been different. He would have had to have been different too. The things that bothered him, about my 'arrogance'--I really think that if that conversation had happened in person, or if he'd had a better day, it wouldn't have struck him that way. I did mention an accomplishment, but only in a "please don't put down my professional life" kind of way. He didn't reach out to me. He shut me off. There was a big fight we had in March of 2009, where he just refused to speak to me, and I sent him a copy of the e-mail about brainstorming how not to get hurt and said 'don't shut me out--you think I said something and I think I said something different--let's at least, please, talk through this.' And he did. But 2 weeks later, when he put down my professional life, I was pissed and hurt, and this his mother got sick and it all fell apart.

I never understood what happened. But I don't think he did either. It was just two flawed, beautiful humans in our flawed beauty.

I intend to actually reread my blog from the past few years, and I'm sure that will bring up some stuff. Then I want to write 2 more blog posts on this: one for what I'd like to say to John and one for what I'd like John to say to me.

And then, comes the next test. To appreciate John. To learn from John. And to let him go. Really and truly. He wanted me to be spectacular when I integrate, when I come out of my chrysalis. He wanted me to get cosmic permission to believe in myself. And I will do my best to do that.