The Ring

I realized that I never really told the story of the ring, mostly because I didn't think it made John look very good. (I should mention that after it happened, John apologized and told me he was scared at how much memory loss he was having--I don't think I took that as seriously as I should have.)

We were in a bar, having drinks and I was playing with my ring, from my ring finger on my right hand. I have a tendency to fidget, and I was spinning it and watching the gold revolve around the diamonds, which revolved around the emerald. John asked to see it. Then he asked if he could borrow it. Later that evening, I asked John if he had the ring, and he had lost it.

For at least a month, I believed he still had my ring. It didn't make sense that he had lost it. John, until that point, had been careful with me, and this was not too long after he talked about us being 'for keeps.' The entire situation was odd.

He offered to by me a new ring, and I said that I only wanted a ring from him if it were an engagement ring. That rings had energy and I couldn't accept a ring from him. I bought a replacement for myself, and asked John to buy me some other nice jewelry. He eventually bought me a 'trinket' but it was weird--a magnifying glass/pendant. He didn't mail it until after we had broken off contact and then it was with a note that said "sorry it all turned out so badly. J." I have the 'trinket' but threw out the note only a month ago or so. When I'm 85 and still doing embroidery, it will be quite nice. It is the only think of his I have. I wish I'd kept the note.

A month after the ring, he and I had a huge fight, with tears streaming out of my face like oil out of a BP oilwell. And he said "I never led you on." And I thought, really? REALLY?

A week before he died, he e-mailed me, out of the blue it seemed, and had found my ring. It fell out of his bag. Clearly, he had carefully stowed it in a place for it to elude finding for well over a year. Two weeks after he died I sent an upbeat message to his e-mail saying "Hey--I'm back from my vacation, please mail my ring to...." Two weeks later, his friend contacted me.

His friend and family clearly took the ring as symbolic. I have no idea if John thought it meant something when he stowed it away in his bag. If he ever thought it meant something. I have to believe that he did. He couldn't have been so clueless at any point to be unaware of a ring's symbolic meaning or that a girl he was dating, whom he had talked about 'for keeps' with might see that symbol. But he never let me know it.

I believe the family will get it back to me. I have no idea what I will do with it at that point. It seems to me that that ring has energy. I will probably never wear it again. I would like a ritual where I melt the gold and make something. Fire transforming the very substance.