Perspective

So, I just got to John's and my first big fight (in the e-mails). It was, of course, over whether inflation or deflation was a greater threat to the economy at that time (December, 2008--After the TARP and bank bail-outs, before Obama's inauguration).

So we had a huge discussion, starting with the auto-bailouts and the TARP (6 pages, single-spaced) and then inflation vs. deflation (5 pages). Pretty far into it, he said: "I'm enjoying the debate." He was very tough with me, but it was fun: "Silly Connie- inflation doesn't reduce the cost of debt, it *increases* the cost of debt - it's just the means by which a nation with unimpeachable credit obtains service of debt." There are some places where I still think I was right, mostly that we (the U.S.) won't turn into Zimbabwe because when we borrow money, it is accounted for in our currency and we seem to be the investment of last choice. But whatever, I don't actually care about the issue nearly as much as I care about understanding the relationship with John.

Anyway, then we had this exchange:

shit hahaha if you want my opinion you will be *dreaming* of deflation before this is all over :)

But, if we have inflation, it could be over in a year or two. Deflation would mean we were looking at a decade.

oookay where on earth are you getting *that* idea

Well, the Great Depression (not the good one, the GREAT one) is considered to have been started by a deflationary spiral.

Lower prices led to lower production, which led to lower wages which led to lower demand which led to lower prices which led to lower production, which led to lower wages which led to lower demand which led to lower prices which led to lower production, which led to lower wages which led to lower demand which led to lower prices which led to lower production, which led to lower wages which led to lower demand which led to lower prices which led to lower production, which led to lower wages which led to lower demand which led to lower prices which led to....

Inflation sucks, but a deflationary spiral is a lot harder to get out of.

http://www.salon.com/tech/htww/2008/12/16/interest_rates/

John was furious with me. Just furious. At the time he said:

Constance, you made your point, okay? I'm crystal clear, *crystal clear* that you share this opinion. You're belaboring the point. Yes I know what a deflationary spiral is. Honestly.

Gotchya--sorry.

You're frustrating me a little. You're sending me... stuff like this. A blurby one-liner from salon.com? Honestly.... Sometimes I think that you think I'm dumber than I am. This happens to be a subject I know a bit about. I'm not proclaiming myself a leading authority or something, but the basis for my position is a little more bolstered than "I saw it on TV? One time? And like this guy said?" I am not snapping my gum over the shoulder of the engineers saying I heard once that bridges can totally fall down. My understanding of the fundamentals is substantially stronger than needing a cliff note on how a deflationary spiral is defined. I've studied the topic with intensivity and extensivity. I read SEC proceedings recreationally for crying out loud. I understand, and can explain, the role of bond arbitrage in the liquidity shortfall of long term capital management. I read Greenspan's book and if you care to discuss the artificial demand curve in collateralized debt obligations and unforeseen impact on bond insurance, I can do so. Do not, and I'm asking this as your friend and as someone who would like to continue what has thus far been at least an entertaining dialogue, condescend.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to annoy you. I thought you thought I'd made this up out of thin air and had no basis to my opinion. I've never thought you were dumber than me on anything. If anything, I think you're mind is sharper and quicker.

Well, in your zeal to show me that you had some basis, you seemed to suggest that my knowledge was in need of simplified remediation.

I am sorry. I have a friend who calls me after Keith Olbermann to scream at me what Olbermann said (even though she knows I listen to it) and it drives me nuts, so I can see why it annoyed you. I'll try not to do it again.

I follow this stuff. Religiously, at least for the time being. There is unlikely to be anything on salon.com which isn't derived from secondary sources of which I am already wayyyy ahead.

I will do my very best to remember not to forward you anything. And, if you find good stuff you think I should read, please do feel free to forward it to me. I like it.

I told you I fuck stuff up. I don't even know when I'm doing it until it is done. It happens. I hate it when people I love are angry with me."

So no response. The next day, I apologized again, and he said: "not mad - wasn't mad - a little frustrated is all, I got it off my chest, everything is fine." But it wasn't. The week before he died he said: "There were times, and they were many, during which I felt like you didn't entirely respect me. I am secure enough in my self-appraisal not to let that bother me... much. When you tried, for example, to educate me on the deflation spiral and I had to remind you that I read SEC filings for fun, I worried (briefly) that you thought I was much dumber than I am."

Clearly, I really did something very wrong from his point of view. The thing is, I still don't see it. The preceding 11 pages of discussion had a similar playful, 'here's what I think.' He called me 'silly' and I didn't take offense. I felt like he thought I'd made up deflationary concerns the way a child makes up a monster under a bed. I didn't necessarily want him to agree with me, but I wanted him to say something like "well, it is possible, but I don't think probable." I guess we each felt like the other didn't respect our own point of view. (We also had a fundamental difference that I tend to rely on authorities and that annoyed him, but my work is so based in citing precedent, that I do it without thinking about it. When I asked him what I should read, it was because I do rely on authorities. I guess he wanted me to rely on him as an authority.

I still don't know what happened there, but I know that he got really mad at me, and then wouldn't take my apology (I totally stopped after he gave any hint he was mad) and then wasn't willing to really talk it out. I'm OK with the first, but, ideally, I want someone who would be willing to talk about what happened until they weren't mad at me any more. Until they could really let it go.

Anyway, it is useful to see where we went all wrong. I love John very much; but I don't think it does either of us any good if I put him on a pedestal.

On the bright side: I've lost 5 pounds since I found out John died. OOooohh--great diet! (Part of me feels guilty, like I shouldn't benefit from his death in any way. Not in losing weight, or self discovery, or peace. That his death should be total grief, forever. I'm not trying to benefit. God knows, I'd do anything to change it. But if I can find a way to find peace and closure, then I do need to do that. And if I'm so depressed I'm not eating, well, better that than an extended ménage à trois with Ben and Jerry and me.