I was on a date tonight, and the guy just spent so much money! It was fun, but also it felt hedonistic. I am sure dinner was over $300. With tip, probably $400. I always felt taken care of when John ordered the $19 meal for me, instead of letting me pick the $11 meal. (And sometimes we went to places that got into the low twenties for an entrée, but usually not.) But this felt odd. My salad was $12. Our entrees were $39. Each! I had 2 whiskey sours, 1 glass of wine, a glass of port and a glass of champagne. (That said, I didn't finish my 2nd whiskey sour, or the wine. But the staff kept bring out booze without me even ordering something.) I said I'd have a glass of port after the dinner and intended to order the $9 glass of port, but he ordered me that $34 port. $34! For a glass!!! Oy. I'd rather have the $9 and a $25 check to Pakistan relief. Then, I said that I had loved having a glass of port and a bit of cheese in Portugal and so he ordered a cheese platter. 14 kinds of cheese (about 3 huge pieces each). I think we ate maybe a total of 1 of the 14 pieces. (We had lots of little bites.) It was fun, but felt like a level of conspicuous consumption that made me feel odd. Ah, well.
The guy tonight was charming and funny. He drove me home and we sang Tom Lehrer songs in his car. But I'm not particularly attracted to him. However, he dropped 3 references to kink, so I'm happy to go out with him and see what develops. (I told him I want to go to a cheap hole in the wall next time, though.)
Meanwhile, I feel like I'm loosening a little around John. I can still burst into tears at a moment, if I think about him, but I put his picture in a slightly less conspicuous place.
I realized that there are several ways I wish John had been or acted differently. John really wanted me to agree to be his friend, and I did, and then he dropped me as a friend. That hurt! Also, it seems to me that John couldn't handle the fact I wasn't perfect. When I did something that annoyed him (and sometimes I totally see why he was annoyed, but sometimes I think it was unfair), he wouldn't bring it up kindly. He'd avoid me for a while or attack me quite harshly. I think he knew it. I think he wanted to change. But it was hard.
I pray for John. I don't really believe in God, but I'm hedging my bets here. I pray that he finds total, unconditional love. The love his parents never had for him. And peace and light. I try to visualize light for him. I hope there's an afterlife, and he has found a great equivalent of a bar and he and I can sit down and have a drink in 50 or 70 years, and finally have that loving kindness for each other. I'm sure he wanted it for me, even if we didn't ever express it.
Meanwhile, I'm going to watch how much I'm drinking. I'm not drinking by myself or at home. But whereas I used to nurse one drink and then switch to seltzer, I now seem to be happy to have quite a few. I'm not gaining weight from the booze (just the opposite it seems), but it feels wrong. This, at least, is not the time to radically increase my alcohol consumption.
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