Two days later, my dog died. We buried her in the backyard under a tree we planted over her. And for 2 weeks, I slept on her grave, curled around the trunk, hoping for a sign. Intellectually, I knew that my one night stand didn't lead her to die. I can't believe in a God that would kill an animal to punish a person who loved that animal. But I also knew that I could have spent that night with her. And I loved her so much. I kept hoping to have some sense of her. And there was nothing.
Today, I was taking our equivalent of the 'El' train home, listening to the soundtrack from The Piano, sobbing hysterically, but silently in the corner of the train. A lovely older women brought me a tissue. Wow--look, it's a crazy white lady having a nervous breakdown. In high school, I'd at least make it to the piano practice room and sit under the piano to sob hysterically, but I couldn't make it home today.
After college, there was a man (call him Edwin) that I did love, and we spent all our time together, but he never liked me 'that way.' Of course, he'd run his hands through my hair, or kiss me on the eyes. But no, he wasn't romantically interested. And he would bemoan the fact that no woman was romantically interested in him. To me. Knowing I was romantically interested in him. I guess I didn't qualify as a woman.
And with John. Fuck. I don't know how to find the strength to ever try and love again. I don't have it in me. I'm all used up.
After he got laid off, I would have been happy to support him. I would have given him anything he wanted or needed. If only he'd wanted and needed me. Or maybe he did. Edwin said maybe if I'd had the courage to ask him out. John said if only I'd had the courage to tell him how I felt. But I'm enough a product of this patriarchy to believe that a woman doesn't win a man by caring about him. If I thought it would have helped, hell I would have sky written it. The last night I saw John, we were at the train station, on different tracks and I was crying hysterically and all I wanted to do was run over to his track and tell him I loved him. But would that have made any difference?
I feel like I love more intensely than other people I know. I feel like it is this crazy defect and it hurts me so deeply. I don't know how to face going through this again. I should be more careful in how I give my heart. But it doesn't necessarily listen to me. And so I try to protect myself in ways that may not be all that effective.
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