In Memorium

John died a couple of weeks ago. I just found out today.

That was not the closure I wished for.

I think he was happy right before he died. He was with his family at a picnic. I really can't think of anything he'd rather be doing than having a picnic with his family. He had such ostracization from his family, for so long. And he tried to throw a picnic for them a decade ago, and none of them came. I hope he was truly happy and fulfilled.

He had an aneurysm and died three days later.

I hope there is reincarnation. My grandma died a couple of years ago. And I miss her, at least once a week. But I can accept that. For John, I can't really accept it. There must be something else. There just must. I want John to know true, unconditional love. At accept and give it. Maybe he had gotten there with his family. I hope so!

His friend e-mailed me to ask me for my phone number and called me.

The family found my ring. And the family tried to figure out the story behind the ring. His friend said "We didn't know he'd ever been engaged."

I told his friend we never had. That he'd borrowed my ring, and I wrongly thought... and his friend said "of course." That meant a lot to me. His family and friends took that seriously. It wasn't all in my head.

I can't imagine how I'd feel if we'd become partners. I'd be horrified that I didn't get him to change. And yet, I would have been very wary of nagging. Of trying to change him. And then I would have blamed myself. I don't know how I would have survived that.