I'm tired. It's been a long day, and I have a couple of standing things that I need to do for Maxearnest every night when I get home. The first thing is not necessarily something that I enjoy. But it pleases him. But I'm tired and he's asleep for sure, and why can't I just veg out and relax? And these little thoughts of rebellion appear often. Yesterday, he told me to do something, and this voice in my head said "why do I have to do that?" Last night I went to the gym. I told him I needed to be going more often, so he told me to schedule a couple of times a week (which is definitely a minimum for what I want to do) and then said I needed to stick to it. And I told him I would. But, honestly, it wasn't this magic elixir that made it any easier. It made it possible, but it didn't make it fun or easy. I was so exhausted--it was the last thing I wanted to do. I hope that over time, I will get the habit more regularly and it will be easier. But it was really hard to obey. All these little rebellions.
Or maybe they aren't rebellions, because I do always obey. Maxearnest doesn't mind. He can sometimes see my reluctance in my eyes, but I'm eager enough most of the time that he thinks a little occasional reluctance is natural. But I know it would be easier to obey if that part of me didn't rebel.
It is funny, because sometimes he wants me to say "Yes Sir" (instead of "Yes Master" or "Yes Maxearnest") if something really hurts, and that is hard for me because then I have to feel something and also measure how much I'm feeling, evaluate whether or not I can handle it, estimate how much longer--it is so much more brain functioning, and it is hard for me. (Sometimes it just comes out easily, but that feels to come out easily more in person than on Skype.) It is easier to obey him and endure because I've given up my choice. I chose him--and that was my choice. Now, I don't have to think that way. Unless he tells me to.
But the little rebellious thoughts make things harder than they would be. I would be happier without them. Happier, I suppose, if I were more of a slave. I walked about a mile to the gym last night, and for that mile, I was pretty miserable; my feet were dragging and my head was just saying "But I don't want to go! I'm TIRED!!!!" It didn't matter how many times I said "I am Maxearnest's eager and obedient girl." I was too tired to get turned on by that. The last quarter of a mile I promised myself "Just go--you can leave after 20 minutes if you're still this exhausted. Just go." And I did, and I worked out 45 minutes (for some reason, Rachel Maddow had a new show on at 9pm west coast time last night, so I stayed until the end). And when I got home tonight, I did my exercise; even though it hurt and I was tired and didn't feel like it. But when I was done, I felt a little calmer, I suppose. And if he asks me to do something humbling or painful tomorrow, there will probably still be reluctance in my eyes, and a voice that says "but I don't want to." But I'll obey. Hopefully eagerly.
I'm so much happier obeying Maxearnest than I've ever been with all the freedom in the world. My friends comment on it often. Work is easier. I'm just happier. And hopefully, with time, even those little rebellions will occur less.
No comments:
Post a Comment