Trust

I'm really growing to love Maxearnest.  Two months ago there were a cacophony of men's names in my head--many of the men I've blogged about here, and their real names.  And of course, my dad.  Me wanting aspects of things from each relationship and sometimes I couldn't tell if I missed "John" or John, "Bobby" or Bobby, my ex (yes, there were a few good things in that relationship, although I never mix him up with his blog name), my dad, Nate, and this constant wish for someone who would like me for what I like me for.

And along came Maxearnest.  He not only loves the parts of me that I love, he loves parts of me that I criticize.  He actually really loves my bifurcation!  The thing that I thought was the most fucked up--he loves that!  He embraces that!  He protects the Power Woman from being more submissive than is good for her (although she clearly trusts him enough that she values his suggestions), and then enslaves the young girl side of me, and tells me that is exactly what he wants.

He trusts me as much as I trust him.  Trust me enough that he doesn't have to own my professional side.  Trusts me enough that I can tell him things and he'll believe me.  I don't have to shown him all the time.

Maxearnest and I were doing naughty things on Skype and he had me doing something that was too hard for me.  It didn't seem like a big deal, but I was starting to panic and he couldn't tell (Skype has real limitations), so I stopped and told him I couldn't do it.  He was totally fine with that and had me make the adjustment.  And, shockingly, I was totally fine with it.  I didn't feel like I let him down.  I didn't feel like I should push myself harder.  I didn't feel like he wouldn't love me if I couldn't do everything the way he wanted.  I felt like he would want me to take care of his prized possession.

I don't have anything to prove to Maxearnest.  He accepts me as I am.  He loves me as I am.  He wants to protect me, and if, occasionally, I have a piece of information that he needs, he wants me to tell him that.  He didn't even want to talk about what happened because he thought I handled it exactly right and wants me to do that in the future.  But I wanted to talk about it because it was a kind of amazing moment for me.  He trusts me just as I trust him.  And if I tell him I can't keep doing something, I don't have to push myself to the point where I panic and freak out rather than not be able to do something.  If I'm going to panic, that's enough for him.  He never wants me to hurt myself, physically or mentally, to please him.  He knows I want to please him.  He trusts that.  I don't have to prove it.

This is a gift and a revelation.  But it also highlights how fucked up some of the relationships I've been involved in were.  Maxearnest sort of approaches kink the way I always thought it should be.  The way that, over time, I began to think I was naive to hope for.  A way I gave up on finding.  We are collaborators in this, and we are equal collaborators.  He leads and I follow, but, just like ballroom dancing, if there was a problem with my shoe, I wouldn't just keep dancing and not tell him.  That doesn't make me less of a dancer.  

It is so lovely that kink is just joyous.  Sure, there are hard things.  Sure, there are things I'd never do just for fun.  But somehow, I no longer think about whether I want to do something; I gave up that choice and it is one less thing to worry about.  And I am receiving so much in return. Love, and more.  I'm receiving a feeling of becoming who I always wanted to be.  Maxearnest is breaking down my old ways of defining dignity and replacing them with a sense of purpose and confidence that doesn't include perfection as a requirement for self-worth.  I've never felt like someone loved and trusted me, just as I am.  With nothing to prove.  Just fun things to experience.