Gifts

Let's be honest; being happy is boring to write about, as Tolstoy so tersely explained. And I am happy.  My angst is even getting smaller and less interesting.  I could write a salacious blog about sex as Maxearnest is really so creative, but that just isn't my style. I'm sure I'd gain a wider audience, but I feel like it would make what we do less intimate, less joyful.

I have noticed an interesting change in my thinking.  Until Maxearnest, I have always felt like submission was a gift, and I felt that way because I was doing a lot of things that weren't good for me.  Some of it was linked to kink; some of it was just linked to being taken for granted.  I remember, I was with the ex when I read "What Shamu Taught Me About A Happy Marriage" and I took it to heart; I started thanking him when he (occasionally) did something to help around the house.  One day he said "I'm glad you're thanking me for helping with the dishes because it means you realize the housework is all your responsibility."  I would like to say I broke up with him that day, but I didn't.  (Do I need to mention that I covered half the finances but ended up handling all the bills, shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry.  The only thing he ever did was take out the trash.)  I was willing to try and make that work (and we had sex that was similarly skewed towards being all about his needs with no concern for mine) because I viewed being submissive as a gift.  I viewed it, frankly, as drawing the very short end of the stick in the relationship department, but I didn't want to lie about who I was.  

With Maxearnest, this has changed.  I feel like his dominance is a huge gift to me.  Just enormous.  He is constantly taking how I feel into account.  More than that.  I get the sense that if I'm hungry to submit, and he's not, he's just happy to talk or be gentle, he'll find a way to satisfy my hunger--let me feel submissive, even if he's not necessarily in a sexual mood.  He is making sure both our needs are met, and my needs are half of that.  Fortunately, our needs are very compatible.  But sometimes only one of us is feeling it.  And if I'm very, very tired, or feeling a little off, he'll be gentle with me, even if he might prefer something rougher, stronger, more visceral.  He cares more about me than about what kinky thing we'll do that day, and he wants me to be happier for being with him than without him.  Dominance doesn't just mean he gets whatever he wants when he wants it.  It is a responsibility he has to be wise and not just selfish.

I feel kind of silly saying this, but I never really thought that would happen. 

Interestingly, Maxearnest feel like my submission is a gift to him.  He cherishes it.  

So we have a relationship where both of us feels like we're both receiving a wonderful gift from the other.  That is a beautiful thing to me.

I'm so very happy.  Boring (to write a blog) but happy!