Maxearnest sent me a sweet e-mail today: "My sweet slave girl. This is worth reading."
It touched me deeply he sent this because this was very close to some things I've told him. He affirmed for me that we are 'real' (even if, deep down, I feel like we're real for us, but not for most of the kink world out there. But I don't care. Some to define "Us" with is all I've ever wanted.)
It also highlighted how important taxonomy is. As we name things, we define them. The nomenclature of kink shapes desire and power. Maxearnest is very clear on the difference between submissive and slave. And he clearly thinks I'm a slave, and that clearly delighted and surprised him. I think he feels a slave is more valuable than a submissive. And I'm happy to be his slave. But I'm hesitant to use that language here because I feel like most readers would say I'm not a 'real' slave. (And, in all honesty, Maxearnest and I only spent a week together. We probably average 2 hours a day on Skype, but Skype is not real life and we both know it. It will be another month before Maxearnest and I start to see how we are in quotidian life.)
In terms of taxonomy, all that matters to me, of course, is that Maxearnest and I are on the same page. We're not a 'property' relationship. Part of me belongs to Maxearnest, but he is also very aware (and very supportive of) the part of me that is not submissive. Although maybe that side is a little more submissive than I thought--I certainly appreciate nudging and am willing to defer to wisdom. Over time, I could see myself depending on him more and more.
Last week I had a really cool week at work. I got to present to about 1000 people over the course of two days and it went so very well. I was glowing, and Maxearnest could see how happy it made me and he said something like "I'm not the only thing that makes you happy." And that is true, although I think the good things at work make me much happier than they would have before Maxearnest was in my life. Before, I felt this underlying emptiness. There was a John-shaped hole in my life, but it wasn't necessarily John--it was having a partner to share with. Now I just thank my lucky stars instead of wishing on them.
What amazes me is that my relationship with Maxearnest, where I am freely accepting becoming his slave, as defined by him, is that it is all about receiving more gifts; it doesn't feel like I'm giving anything up. He pushes me some, but rarely to the point where I go numb or just hate it. It is almost always sexy. He likes to see me aching with hunger, not quaking with dread. And, honestly, I am a little harder core than I've admitted. I've always said I wasn't a masochist, but I don't think that is actually true. I think I kind of knew it, but really didn't feel like the men I was seeing were safe for me.
And where I think Maxearnest differs from almost all other Masters is that he is very happy for me to have a part of my life that isn't as his slave. Work is mine. I have friends. If, for some reason, I ever had to give up my work, that would be a decision we made together. Even little things, like drug--I told him that I wanted equal say in any drugs we did, and that was no problem. He didn't insist on his right as a master to get me high. I don't think most 'real' 'slaves' would say "I won't give up my work and we have to talk about drugs before we do them." But I'm real to Maxearnest. Just like the velveteen bunny. He wants me to do the things that make me happy. Maxearnest knows I'm greedy for life. I want more sex, more kink, yes. But I also want more experiences from wind in my hair to kudos at work. Making music, being heard and laughing together. And then crawling to his feet and waiting for his command.
Last week I had a really cool week at work. I got to present to about 1000 people over the course of two days and it went so very well. I was glowing, and Maxearnest could see how happy it made me and he said something like "I'm not the only thing that makes you happy." And that is true, although I think the good things at work make me much happier than they would have before Maxearnest was in my life. Before, I felt this underlying emptiness. There was a John-shaped hole in my life, but it wasn't necessarily John--it was having a partner to share with. Now I just thank my lucky stars instead of wishing on them.
What amazes me is that my relationship with Maxearnest, where I am freely accepting becoming his slave, as defined by him, is that it is all about receiving more gifts; it doesn't feel like I'm giving anything up. He pushes me some, but rarely to the point where I go numb or just hate it. It is almost always sexy. He likes to see me aching with hunger, not quaking with dread. And, honestly, I am a little harder core than I've admitted. I've always said I wasn't a masochist, but I don't think that is actually true. I think I kind of knew it, but really didn't feel like the men I was seeing were safe for me.
And where I think Maxearnest differs from almost all other Masters is that he is very happy for me to have a part of my life that isn't as his slave. Work is mine. I have friends. If, for some reason, I ever had to give up my work, that would be a decision we made together. Even little things, like drug--I told him that I wanted equal say in any drugs we did, and that was no problem. He didn't insist on his right as a master to get me high. I don't think most 'real' 'slaves' would say "I won't give up my work and we have to talk about drugs before we do them." But I'm real to Maxearnest. Just like the velveteen bunny. He wants me to do the things that make me happy. Maxearnest knows I'm greedy for life. I want more sex, more kink, yes. But I also want more experiences from wind in my hair to kudos at work. Making music, being heard and laughing together. And then crawling to his feet and waiting for his command.
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