Feeling bratty

I really wanted Joshua to call me tonight. Tonight and tomorrow are the last nights we can talk for a few weeks (I'm going to be in Europe for a month, and it is just too expensive to talk on the phone. I have my own room tonight, so we could skype, but then it is back to sharing with a friend.) And he was on CollarMe tonight. I don't tell him I really want to talk to him--I don't have anything to talk about. I just want to talk to him. My youngish side wants to feel cherished and directed and my public woman wants to be recognized and have angst assuaged.

Speaking of having angst assuaged--can I really be considering this? My grandmother had a relationship where the man was always right, and he got Alzheimer's and they both ended up having financial problems because she always deferred to him. My mother and father fight over little stuff that could be dealt with, I suppose, if he was more cherishing of her and she was more deferential, but I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking. Or not thinking.

I think I'm more into him than he's into me. And yet he does seem pretty into me. I've blown off all but one of the men I was talking with. The last one, I don't know what to do with. He and I already met, so it would be clear that I'd picked Joshua over him. And I thought he'd fizzle on interest with me gone. But he e-mails me more than Joshua, and he'd call if I hadn't asked him not to. (Joshua is much more of a phone person than an e-mail person. He's an OK e-mail on CollarMe, but now that we're on real e-mail and he uses his iphone, he sends like 3 word e-mails. I want something more!!!!)

And yet, I want to be not insane or demanding or needy or annoying. So I keep those parts of me to myself and I just feel really bratty. But there's something else--I want him to want me, and I think men are more interested in women that are harder to get. I try not to play games, but at the same time, I do have a life, and what is playing games except pretending to have a life. But I somehow feel that if I were to call him (and I wouldn't, even if he wasn't with his family right now), then I would be less interesting. Less desirable. Fundamentally, I don't think that, deep down, just Connie, is good enough.