Externalizing Judgment

I seem to have a long history of assuming those in authority would not approve of me if they knew who I really was. (I should also say that the feeling of not fitting in goes back to the bullying I received in the first grade; those feelings may be linked.)

For a brief period of time, I worked with a fairly prominent professional feminist. I knew that she had kinky lesbian friends, but I have always assumed that if she knew about me, she would be mortified. Of course, I never asked her. I assumed that the authority figure would not approve of who I was. I do that with a lot more than feminism. I do it with any form of fun that is not physically active. Reading books that aren't Tolstoy, for example, seems like something shameful. Hell--I was really embarrassed at my exercise class when the teacher pointed out that I was breathing correctly during an exercise when other peopel were holding their breaths because I felt like I was breathing too much! I actually had a long period when I would sneak breaths at yoga class, and felt like a little kid sneaking food she knows she shouldn't have.

I was raised with discipline, but nothing like what I've internalized. There were a few crazy moments--my father tried to get me to use less lip balm at one point because he felt like it was excessive, and when my lips get really chapped, I will want to just buy another things of lipbalm if I don't have any. There was an emphasis on highbrow entertainment (we didn't have a tv and weren't allowed to watch tv). Molly Ivins then (and Gail Collins now) are too frivolous--I should be reading Krugman's blog (which I honestly find a little boring sometimes). But nothing like as crazy as I've gotten, not with my actions but with my judgement of my actions.

Joshua and I talked through my goals for my vacation, but when I was packing, I packed two books for fun reading as well. And I felt guilty. Now, nowhere did he say or imply or hint that I shouldn't have fun on my vacation. Nowhere. But somehow or other, I get it in my head that if I'm being a 'good girl' there's no place for me to enjoy myself as well as be productive. I didn't call him and ask for permission to read books for fun because a) it seemed psycho; b) it seemed overly needy and c) no one ever implied that it would be a problem. I did say that less time with media was a goal for my vacation, but media for me isn't books. (An hour reading a book gives me very different energy than an hour surfing the web--I want to read for fun more--I like how it makes me feel.)

So I think that in order for me to actually be able to have realistic ideas for any sort of D/s relationship, I might have to have realistic ideas about what I expect from myself. Of course, maybe part of the reason I am open to something like this is that it obviates my need to stop being so damn judgemental of myself, if I simply allow someone else to make those judgements.
I'm beginning to wonder