Christmas Odds and Ends

Went shopping with my mother today and she bought me a new pair of jeans. A size 10 pair of jeans. Size 10!!! (All I can say is sizes have become much more generous than they used to be. But even so!!! Now I understand how a friend who I thought was a size 12 or so actually wears and 8.) I'm really pleased. It is kind of amazing to me. I think a size 8 has been my goals since I was in the 8th grade or so. I don't think these jeans count (maybe they are a size 12, if they weren't sized for super-sized egos), but it is pretty damn clear that I'm doing many things right.

My dad wants me to stand up for myself better. Wants me to tell my boss to fuck off. Yeah, that's not going to happen. However, a family member is driving me crazy, and my dad is taking my side unambiguously (as is my mother) and my dad has agreed to talk to this family member for me because, after nagging me to tell this family member to fuck off and me being unable to comply, he is standing up for me. Which is lovely.

Interestingly, he said to me that feminism is just in my core DNA. The idea that men and women are equal is just something I take so completely for granted I don't even think about it. I really don't know how true that is. I think he would be absolutely shocked if he knew I was contemplating not just S&M, but this D/s that I'm considering.

Can I even keep this blog if I go into this? I mean, of course, I will, to the extent that I blog at all. I believe deep down that feminism is about honoring the choices that women make when they are given full choice, without financial or societal coercion, which I certainly am. And honoring women's choices includes, I suppose, honoring my choice. That is the hardest one of all. Well, mine and Sarah Palin's. But she's insane.

I want to have a long sit-down with Joshua, preferably before we like sleep together or anything, and talk with him about how he would want to deal with differences when he had them. If, for example, we decided to try and make this really work, could we really sit down, as equals, and talk about the pros and cons of Olympia versus Seattle? I just don't think I'd do well being ordered to move to Olympia. (OK, he doesn't live in Olympia--names have been changed--he actually lives in a town that I find a little less appealing than Olympia and a little longer commute from Seattle.) I would have to have a conversation of two equal people working through something like that and finding a way to make it work. I'm not saying I wouldn't ever leave Seattle, but I really would want to make those decisions together.

I don't know how to bring this up without freaking him out--it is pretty crazy that my concerns about this relationship are such huge 'what ifs' that involve us being rather serious about each other. But he did ask me what I thought my parents would think of him. So clearly he has a few longer-term ideas as well. I keep wishing he'd call more often and knowing he can't. The less I talk to him, though, the more my mind gets scared about where this is going. When we talk, I'm less frenetic.

I think the young girl (we'll call her yg), yearning for a sir, is delighted. And the polished woman, taking on the world, is terrified (we'll call her PW). (And part of me wonders if John and Steve hadn't been so articulate about describing their impressions of me, if I would still see myself in that way. I've actually used this construct in talking to Joshua and I think he thinks it makes sense for how he has encountered me. But at one point does description become proscriptive?) PW is willing to trust--who? Joshua? Me? I'm not sure. But PW seems willing to trust Joshua enough to get together again. But she isn't ready to sleep with him. However, Joshua has met both polished woman and young girl (although he seems more interested in yg, he definitely wanted to make sure pw existed--in fact, I don't think he'd be interested in yg without pw). But Joshua seems to respect Polished Woman. And he says: "Hey--PW--if you follow me--I'll help you accomplish what you want Constance to accomplish." The fact that he's seen and respected PW makes it easier for her to trust a bit. But PW isn't ready for anything that would say, gasp, leave me emotionally vulnerable.

Young girl sure as heck is, though!