D/S versus kinky sex

So I spent Friday night at "Joshua's" and it was pretty spectacular. And he called me an hour after I left. And he called later in the day.

On an erotic level, I'm pretty sure we could really work (assuming I could fulfill his desires), and on a friends level, we could absolutely work.

However, he wants a full D/S relationship, and it is kind of freaking me out. I think it is freaking me out more theoretical and more for how I'd feel down the road, than how I'd feel right now. But I'm actually open to giving it a try. Mostly because part of me has longed for someone to support me in being more focused and then he did.

If you ice-skate--they do something called an 'ice-cut' where they take off the top layer of ice and put down fresh water, which freezes creating perfectly smooth ice. Before an ice-cut, the ice can be kind of gravelly and everything takes effort. I can still skate, but it isn't fun--it is an accomplishment. After an ice-cut, it take no energy to skate--you just kind of fly--I can get around the entire rink on one foot. Skating is effortless. And when Joshua started asking what I wanted to get done that day and then asking if I'd done it--it really was like an ice-cut for my life. Work seemed effortless and joyous. I can't believe the difference it made on so many levels! And that makes me willing to consider this. He seems wise. Over and over and over again, he has done things that make me trust his judgement. I'm smart--but not as wise as he is.

On our date, he not only ordered for me, he fed me! It was rather embarrassing and rather luscious. I would be curious to know that calorie difference if I'm eating small bites of less healthy food, versus feeding myself salad without dressing. I really don't know. I certainly enjoyed dinner very much!

Part of the D/s stuff feels like it codifies emotionally bad habits--to what extent is this codependent? It certainly feeds into my constant need to prove myself. There is definitely a part of it where I start trying to prove myself more in that context. I wanted to prove myself to Joshua so much--like somehow, if I could endure something, then I would be good enough for him. Because I don't think of myself as good enough now. That hardly seems healthy, but it also acknowledges where I am, honestly and truly, instead of trying to pretend I'm something I'm not.

The bifurcation thing I do, it seemed OK. He actually seems to like the side of me that is smart and authoritative. I think that being smart is actually necessary for him to want to be with someone. (Although I think my bifurcation is a little more extreme--I go from so polished to so young, so quickly! He kept pushing me back and forth and back and forth.)

He constantly demands to know what I'm thinking, and doesn't share what he's thinking. I would really like to know more of what he's thinking, but I think he thinks we could have potential and he seems to want something lasting. And I think he thinks that I think that he thinks that I think that there's too much thinking going on.

We didn't have sex, but came awfully, awfully close. I told him, in a pretty 'hard limit--no negotiation, not on the table for D/s' sort of way that I while I'm politically pro-choice, I would not choose that for me, which is a REALLY good way to have a date end quickly, as I know from lots and lots and lots of experience! (I feel an ethical obligation to have that conversation with someone--I do think in reality, it has to be a woman's choice, and I think it would be unfair for any child to not have support from both mom and dad, so I don't know how to make it better. But I don't think the current status quo is fair to men, who really don't get a choice and can get a child support bill that is pretty life defining. I just wouldn't want to put a man in that position and I wouldn't want to put a child in that position.) But it didn't end quickly. We did come close enough to sex (or at least I perceived that we were coming close, although I think his intention was to tease and confuse, but not to ravage) that I blurted out "I'm not on the pill." He promised before we started that we wouldn't have sex, but there was SO much teasing involved, I kind of can't believe he kept his promise on that. I'm really, really glad because I trust him a hell of a lot more than if that had been rediscussed when I was naked and submissive.

One concern I have is the constantly sharing what I'm thinking. He seems to have a history of women getting into him too quickly for his comfort, and I think it is linked to asking what someone is thinking all the time. I haven't hidden or prevaricated--I have been doing my very best to be open with him, but I want to talk to him about this, because I really think that chicks think things that freak guys out. Although maybe I focus more on the big picture when I'm not with him than when I am. And fortunately, I'm playing hard to get by actually having plans I made before I met him; I'm going to Europe for most of January. (Part of me wishes I wasn't--part of me is scared he'll meet someone while I'm gone. But who knows--maybe he'll just meet people that remind him how fabulous I am. He can't talk to chicks for 6 hours every night of the week--he does need to sleep sometime!)