Not Being Needy

So earlier today I wrote this:

I have a cat that is always begging for attention. I love her dearly, but it kind of drives me crazy just how needy she is. It is an insatiable longing to be constantly held, petted, brushed, loved. In the last year, I've come to believe that I have this cat to teach me it is OK to ask for love. She still drives me crazy, but I'm trying to have some empathy for her neediness.

I hide my neediness. Completely. My persona is an autonomous and complete woman--hear me roar! There are times, I'm a little shocked at how needy I would be if I allowed myself to act as I feel. I hid my profile on CollarMe yesterday, and yesterday I was fine. But yesterday I woke up in "Joshua's" arms and we talked on the phone several times. (Joshua has spoiled me with an amazing amount of attention, but we are both actually interesting people with lives. He wanted to talk more than I could yesterday. I want to talk more than he can today.)

But today-------well Joshua is crazy busy (and will be not available for the next couple of weeks due to holiday plans). My life is hectic, but no male attention for a day? Joshua did e-mail me this morning to say he was busy, but he was wishing me a good day. Intellectually, of course that is just fine.

But wow--I would normally go onto collarme or OKCupid and have someone chat me up and let me know I'm cute. Which just seems crazy--like 'really Constance? You really want that much attention?' Yes. I want that much attention. "I would like the universe to get down on it's knees and say Constance, whatever you please. It's OK even if its ridiculous. We'll arrange it!" So arrange it!

After I wrote that, another guy I went out with last week called me and I sort of blew him off, but didn't tell him I wouldn't see him again. It's this weird in-between space. (But other guy wanted to Skype while I was in Europe and I said no.) I was very careful not to do anything I couldn't tell Joshua I'd done. But I was glad for a little attention. And then 3 more men e-mailed me. One I had very little relationship with so, I just told him I wasn't available. The other I've been e-mailing for a couple of months (he is moving to Seattle in January) and I told him that I wanted to give Joshua and I space, and he was disappointed, but sweet and wants to stay in touch. Which, if Joshua and I work, I don't think will happen. But I did tell him he could still e-mail me any questions for his move (which I'd previously offered).

And then Joshua found a few minutes to call and I was so happy. And I wanted every more--I wanted to talk dirty, I wanted to see him, I wanted to delve into the places and he was just in the car running. I don't want to be that needy.

I am SO much like my cat, begging for pets. Fortunately I can control it. But it is interesting to watch my unmediated longings.