The Precipice

There's a scene that I don't really remember well from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where he has to walk on something he can't see and he throws stones and sees that the invisible structure does exist and runs over the precipice. It must have been terrifying.

I feel like I might be at such a precipice; I'm terrified.

Joshua called again. So sweet and generous and he really understands me in many ways, and he seems to believe that this is about both of us having our needs met. He said several things that indicate he gets me in ways I don't even want to admit. I'm going to be travelling for the next month, and he said he was going to give me assignments to do while I'm gone, to really think through where I'm at. I see pebbles telling me that there is a structure there that could support me. Joshua is offering me what I thought I wanted. A little more structured--OK, a lot more structured. But nevertheless, pretty much the "Patrick-Swayze-in-Dirty-Dancing-platonic-ideal-of-a-man-in-BDSM form." Did I mention he is quite handsome? And stronger than me, which believe it or not has been an issue in the past? I really like being able to be physical overpowered. And he seems to really like me. He said I was gorgeous! Naturally, I'm utterly terrified.

Last summer, after dad's cancer, I turned into a total couch potato. I don't mind. Hanging out with my dad and watching movies and supporting him (and seeing him get better) was everything I could have wanted for that summer. But once he was better, I didn't go back to where I was. My butt started to develop roots into the couch. And this year, I really made the changes to not be a couch potato. I am in SO much better shape than I've probably been in for 13 years. But I see the appeal of couch potatodom. I really get why that is nice. I'm glad I'm being more active, and overall, my life is much richer for it. But if 7 months ago, someone had said: "Constance, you must do all these things" it would have been terrifying. I'd be like: "but, I like sleeping in in the mornings? How could you take that away from me? I need that?" I wouldn't go back t where I was, but it was a series of hard, but small changes.

And I feel like Joshua will expect me to live to my full potential every day, and that is pretty fucking terrifying. For the last 9 years, really, I haven't. Somehow, or other, I had good internal discipline for professional things until September 11th, and something just broke on that day. Something just went a little dark. Something just went. And I went on anti-depressants and tried to pick up the pieces, but all the king's horses and all the king's men....

So here is a man who seems to like me. Who seems to care. Who wants me to obey him, but is willing to have that include obeying him to accomplish what I always thought I wanted and wasn't doing. And I trust him--he seems wise. He seems to have good judgement. He seems clear about where this would go in a healthy way that would leave me bouncier in the long run.

But what if I'd rather not finish anything? What if I finish all my projects and find out I'm really, deeply mediocre? What if that was a defense mechanism to cover the inherent mediocrity of my life, my writing, my creativity?

And on the other hand, what if it is great, and then I want autonomy? What if our values clash on something big? What if I feel stifled? What if it makes my neuroses more neurotic? What if I keep trying to prove I'm lovable, and nothing every proves it because you can't earn lovability. What if deep down, I really just want to be loved for me? To offer to do something for someone, to offer to prove myself and he might say: "but you don't have to prove or do anything! Just be you!" But then, as Joshua might say, 'how's that working out for you so far?'

I did tell Joshua I have a blog, and I told him I'd rather not give him the URL. He hasn't pushed me yet, but I expect that is only a matter of time. I'm even scared to have him read this. I wanted to go out and edit my life--make it a little more polished. Take away some of the rough edges. But I know that would be a form of lying (not that I won't rewrite poorly written things whenever I find them.) Or maybe I'm more scared to give him the URL and have him be bored with it. I think much of what went wrong with John (aside from the fact he was dying) was the he stopped reading my blog, but didn't tell me, and so I assumed he knew things that he claims he didn't know. (I don't think it was because he was bored--I think it was because he wanted to give me a private space, but he never communicated that to me.) But there were also times I told him things explicitly and he wouldn't remember, so maybe that is "don't date a guy who's brain is shutting down before he dies an early death" and not "don't tell anyone you have a blog." But so much scares me right now!

Joshua has made it really clear that he will support me on any of my projects. Wow! But I haven't told him I'm trying to lose weight. (I lost 20 pounds this year! Woo hoo!) He asked what my goal was for exercise and I said "to be cute," which is true. I mean, I'm doing a triathlon this summer, but it's not an Iron Man. It's just a 1500 KM swim, 17 mile bike ride and 5 mile run. If I was willing to buy a wet suit, I could do it today--it isn't like I need to train for it, although I am training for the sake of training. But I feel like if he tried to support me on losing weight, it could mess all both my ability to lose weight right now and it would mess up our relationship. I think part of the reason I'm able to lose weight right now is how loving I'm being with my food. I'm losing weight REALLY slowly (about 2 pounds a month), but I'm doing it! If he wanted something that was still really reasonable, like a pound a month, which I would love to do but don't know how, I'm scared it would bring back rebellion from my childhood and all that stuff. I've never been this in control of my eating in a joyous and playful way. I have tried my entire life to be at the point I'm at right now with food. But I think my regular treats are super-important for staying with my current success. I feel like if I pushed it, I could totally lose it (as I have in the past).

But even more important, I can't feel like he couldn't be with me, as I am right now. I want two mutually exclusive things: to try and be whatever he wants me to be, and to be loved for exactly who I happen to be. It seems an impossible circle to square. And that might be the crux of my fear.