Perfectionism

So, I figured out what has me so freaked out (or at least one of the things) about "Joshua." Unlike every other man I've ever been with in a kinky setting, he asks what I want to accomplish, and he wants to support me in that. He seems to think that I'm a competent person with my own goals in the world and he would include that in our D/s. But, here's the thing: I'm a perfectionist with myself. Nothing I have done is beyond reproach. No matter what I do, unless something is absolutely perfect, I criticize myself. And that includes numerous things that I can't control: "Oh, I'm so sorry it is so cold today--if I'd known the weather when I got us these difficult tickets to get that you wanted see I would have..." I would have what? Changed the date of the concert? Driven more to hope global warming kicks in faster?

Really, the depth of my hubris when it comes to what I feel bad about is rather shocking. I still blame myself for Dean losing Iowa because if only I'd flown out earlier to volunteer, it all would have been much different. (Let's not even discuss how badly I feel about not volunteering much for the 2000 election. Let me also apologize to all of you right now for the financial meltdown. I knew something was fishy by 2004 because the ratio of renting to buying was so off historic values, and I sold my house at the peak, but I should have done a better job warning you, of course I didn't know you and didn't have a blog, not that you'd take economic advice from me, but none-the-less, I really should have tried harder. And while we're at it, let me apologize to any women younger than me for not ending all sexism in our society for you.)

In my kinky relationships in the past, I haven't apologized for disobeying, because I just don't disobey. I have made mistakes (for which I've apologized, and been punished for--one man didn't want me to mention Bush's name, and we met on Democratic singles and he'd talk politics with me and I'd slip; that was mostly playful). But mostly I apologize for my failure to a) read minds; b) control all those things that can't be controlled (I'm so sorry there were ants at the picnic--I should have thought of that and exterminated the woods before we planned our picnic); and c) predict the future. If anything is wrong in your world while I am a part of it, I will feel bad. (I still feel guilty that my dad's doctor misdiagnosed the cancer and I asked him to get a second opinion, but didn't freak out.)

I think part of the thing that I do appreciate with D/s is not having to live up to my own standards, which are pretty darn impossible. I would never expect other people to live by my standards--I'm pretty generous, I think, with the people in my life. I just need someone else to teach me how to be generous with me.

Which brings me back to my current fear. If Joshua actually expects me to live by my expectations for myself, well, I don't think I can. I don't think anyone could live up to my expectations for myself. Have someone else define good (not good enough because I can never seem to be happy with good enough) is a wonderful gift. I want to be pushed, somewhat. I also want to be given permission to say "Connie--you did a good job." I want to learn how to be happy with what I do, and I always feel like I do that better through someone else's eyes.

Sometimes D/s feeds my perfectionism and sometimes it releases it. I will talk to Joshua about this. At some point. When he asks if there's anything I've been thinking about. He's super busy right now. He values open and complete communication, but it tends to be mostly about how I'm feeling in that moment, which is good--I feel so neurotic with some of this stuff, and when he always asks how I feel, I think it makes me feel like I seem really neurotic. But I'm probably no more than most women. Or maybe I am more open about it because I analyze it all so much.