Connie's Freakout, part 2

So, I'm freaking out again about Joshua. And here's the thing--right now it is hot. Very hot. But what if in 5 years, it isn't so hot to be bossed around. What if, instead of making me wet, it makes me weary. What if I resent not being an equal? What if things just feel out of balance and I understand viscerally all the hard-won lessons the feminists of the 60s and 70s won for us? What if big things happened (like say, worst case scenario I could imagine: I got pregnant and found out the baby had Down's syndrome) and we were at loggerheads and he was right because he was in charge? Ceding authoring over sex is hot. Him supporting me in my already established goals is a gift. But where does it become a feeling of subjugation?

And yet, as Joshua might say, "How's that working out for you?"

I like pleasing. That's been in my DNA for a very, very long time. I don't think that's going anywhere. I think, as long as he appreciated it, I could cede control on day-to-day stuff. But not on big stuff.

And I think if I were to bring this fear to Joshua, if he didn't freak out that I'm thinking long-term and have only known him a brief period of time, he might say something like: "What, Connie, you don't feel like you can completely trust me to make every decision for you for the rest of your life after some, albeit, quite intense phone conversations and a total of 12 hours together? I'm shocked!"

I also think he would say that he thinks my needs are as important as his, and it is his job as a Dominant to make sure my needs are met, albeit not necessarily in the way or time I think they should be. It is my job to trust and his job to meet that trust. I think that's what he would say. And I would say, his actions, at least so far, have shown that he would want to make sure my needs were met at a hypothetical point in the future. I do think he is wise, and some of the places he has set clear limits on the time he has for me are ways that make me respect him more (like not talking to me on the phone when he and his ex-wife are in the same house).

It isn't that I think he and I are necessarily going to spend the rest of our lives together. But I think there is a possiblity for something wonderful and I have been systematically dismissing the other men I've been talking to who might have been romantic prospects. (He didn't ask me to, but he sort of hinted that I could.) But I just started freaking out over what would something like this mean down the road? I am, I should say, less freaked out now that I've sort of talked through it in writing. Having a blog is, I think, a perfectly adequate (and much cheaper!) alternative for therapy.