Cat Fight

There is another woman in my family with whom I have a really hard time. We have some similarities.  We are the two women over 25 who are single.  We are both JDs.  We are both on the plump side.

I seem to be more 'succesful' than her in a variety of ways.  I'm 30 years younger, but have a much more prestigious job.  She works primarily as a paralegal, which is, I think, difficult for her.  We both started to try and lose weight, but I lost 60 pounds and she lost 10.  Things like that make it, I think, quite hard for me around me.  She is constantly putting me down and marginalizing me.  This is extreme enough that I have stopped going to some of the functions if I know she'll be there.

It turns out she has been really mad at me for the last several years, because when my dad had cancer and I took care of him, she felt cut out of his life.  And in all honesty, she was.  She blames me.

I find this sad.  It seems like women compete for male attention.  I did my very, very best to take care of my dad.  Chemotherapy was really hard for my dad.  Hard enough he questioned whether or not he wanted to finish it. And my dad at that time had to cut a lot out of his life, just as he was having cancer cut out of his body.  I don't really remember what happened, but I think my dad asked me to tell this woman he didn't have the energy to see her and I did.

It seems like this is a pattern.  The women are too scared to confront the men, so we blame the other women over it.  I don't really know what to do.  I can't really talk to this woman about what happened without probably creating a fight with my dad.  I don't actually really want a relationship with her, but my family wants me to stop skipping events (which is nice).

Neurotic Intimacy

I really ought to be falling for Nate.  I really, really should.

He is sweet and sexy.  He has called me beautiful more times then probably all the other men I've dated. Combined.  He thinks I'm a great cook.  He thinks I'm a good housekeeper (so clearly he is somewhat smitten with me).  He says I should be a model because I'm more beautiful than any of the models.  My body likes him too.  And then he leaves and that's fine.  I'll see him again, but I'm not smitten.  I have moments of smittenness (smitteness?  How does one spell that?) but it isn't lasting.

Nate seems way too normal for me to fall in love with.  Until he adopted his daughter, I would never have considered him dating material.  He seemed shallow and materialistic.  Since then, he has changed tremendously.  But he has changed mostly in his actions.  He isn't neurotic.

Nate seems to be (and I don't know if this is true) the only African American man I've ever met who has never felt like he has been left out of anything for any reason.  I'm sure he has encountered racism in our society, but he seems to have never experienced racism that bothered him.  He seems so very confident in who he is.  Life is easy and his is happy.  I am not very confident in who I am.  Life hasn't been easy.  I am happy much of the time, but it has been through a ton of introspection.  That sense of not-fitting-in is so core to who I am.  I've never felt like I had an opening to discuss that with Nate.  And as a result, not only do I feel like I'm a generic woman to Nate; I feel like Nate is a generic man to me.

I don't think that intimacy should necessarily be based on being neurotic.  But I'm beginning to think it is for me.

I keep wishing Bobby would change.  Intellectually, I resent the way Bobby treated me.  I feel like I was a pretty butterfly he could collect to observe.  Even his wanting to be friends, after he kissed and kissed and kissed me.  After he told me to think of him whenever I played with myself (and I did).  After he made me start to fall for him, and then said "I never led you on."  (Yeah. Right.)  And yet.  I could talk with Bobby about things that mattered to me.  Nate really likes me, but I can't help but feel like I'm just a generic girl.  Bobby doesn't really like me, but he and I, well we could talk about our souls.

I keep hoping I'll start to fall for Nate.  We haven't slept together yet (although we've done just about everything but sleep together).  We'll probably sleep together soon.  Maybe I'll start to fall for him at that point.

I wonder if I can fall in love with anyone who isn't neurotic.  Even as I think I'd be happier with someone who found life easier.

The Taming of the Shrew

So, I got to celebrate my birthday properly, giving black Friday a new meaning.

Sometimes, it feels like there is a little animal in my heart or soul.  Sometimes it feels like a bird, beating her wings against a cage, or a little shrew, running around, desperate for direction.

When a man, say Nate, grabs my hair and whispers in my ear, my soul calms.  It is like this giant sigh of recognition of where I am, and I breathe deeper and the tension of all my life just melts.

Nate and I were fooling around, and he grabbed my hair and I whispered: "I need to be tamed."  And he said "I will tame you. Do you need to be broken?" And I said "NO!" And then asked, later, when we weren't fooling around, if 'breaking' was something that he wanted and he enthusiastically proclaimed that he was not looking for someone to break.

Last night, he read his daughter to sleep with The Little Prince." When I woke up this morning, this was waiting in my e-mail. 

What does that mean-- 'tame'?""It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties.""'To establish ties'?""Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world..."   

This taming thing has promise

 Wow.  Did I melt!!!  How absolutely lovely!  How well he understood what it meant to me.

And I realized, we've started to establish ties.

Black Friday

I couldn't bring myself to go shopping today.  Mostly because I hate it and add in that many crowds and I hate it even more   But I had friends going and it made me think about the transactional nature of Christmas and presents.

Nate keeps wanting to take me shopping; he wants to buy me shoes.  I keep saying "I have enough shoes; but if there is something you fantasize about me wearing, I'll wear whatever you like."  And he isn't taking me up on it as something for him.  He keeps saying "women love shoes; let me buy you a pair you'll like."  I've told him my feet are an odd size, so I pretty much only buy my shoes off the internet.  I've told him I have more shoes than I'll wear in the next decade.  I've told him I don't need him to buy me things.  But it is odd to me.

The irony, of course, is that there is a pair of shoes I really, really want.  And, of course, I want the pedals and cleats that match them.  I doubt, however, that he would include biking cleats in his desire to buy me a pair of shoes.

He keeps wanting to buy me something that women supposedly want, rather than what I want, which is to talk about introspective stuff. To read Joan Didion's new book and talk about it.  To fly to Massachusetts and volunteer for Elisabeth Warren.  To go see The Artist and be enraptured (I hope--I haven't seen it yet).  To talk about things besides sex and small talk.

It's funny.  I'm giving Nate a Christmas gift that is very similar to the one that I gave Bobby for his birthday (although even better, because I'm giving his daughter a matching one from 'Santa').  I tend to give pretty similar gifts: something I make myself, monogrammed.

Bobby seemed to really appreciate the one I gave him.  He seemed to understand why it was a lovely gift.  He thought I was talented.

I'm kind of scared Nate won't understand the gift well enough; I think he would be just as happy with monogrammed cuff links.  And then I wonder if I should give him something else, so I'm not comparing him to Bobby.

I don't think I could love someone whom I only give store bought gifts to.  Some store-bought gifts are fine; I always buy my mom Aveda hand lotion because she loves it and while she could afford to buy it, she never would.  I love Crabtree and Evelyn's "Evelyn Rose" bubble bath and I only use maybe 2 bottles a year because it is expensive; my dad gave me a bottle once and that was so thoughtful. So many store-bought gifts are fine.  They just need to be thoughtful and combined with home-made things.

I have these cousins I kind of despise and when I have to give them a gift, it comes from Tiffany's.  I must be the only person in the world that thinks that a Tiffany's present is a huge put-down.  But to me, it is a way of saying: "you are shallow and easily bought.  The name on the box is really all that matters to you.  Here is our commercial transaction."  They are very, very, very rich; perhaps they look down on me for shopping at such a low-class store, but I've noticed they always do what I want when I give them a Tiffany's gift.  When our grandfather was sick in the hospital and they didn't visit, I sent them a Tiffany's gift from him and they were visiting the next week.  My father was shocked I bothered to send them an expensive gift from Grandpa; and even more chocked they visited.  They are easily bought. And I think it meant something to him that they visited.  It was worth $500 to me for him to see all his grand-kids one last time before he died.  Tiffany's is what you buy for people who won't visit their dying grandfather unless you bribe them.

I'm sure Nate will appreciate my non-Tiffany's gift.  I hope so!  But I feel like it will be a generic appreciation of a nice gift. I might as well go to Tiffany's.  I don't think he's appreciate one or the other any more or less.

Breaking up (with dad) is hard (or impossible) to do

So, I'm still trying to figure out the dad-situation.

I'm writing him a long e-mail that basically has an ultimatum at the end:  shut the fuck up about being 'genuine' and balance that with kindness, or else I don't want to have much of a relationship with you.

I'm saying it nicer than that.  But it is incredibly scary.

I've been talking with the family-shrink about this and she said "why don't you say what you want instead of what you don't want"  and I couldn't say what I want to him, because what I want from him seems so unlikely.  And I'm not going to give him an ultimatum for what I want, but I will set boundaries for what is not acceptable.

But what I want from him:  I want him to cherish me.  I want him to take my feelings into account and try not to hurt me.

And that makes me cry because it doesn't seem like such a crazy thing for a girl to want from her daddy.  Or even a woman to want from her dad.  And yet, it seems crazy.

Wanting Cherishing

I am having real issues with my dad.  It seems I'm not the only one.  (My parents are using the D word, which they haven't for 20 years.  And what is scary is before I was on the side of 'work it out,' this time I'm on the side of 'how the hell did mom put up with this for so long?') But I realized when talking with the family shrink (of course my family has a resident shrink that is our go-to person when my parents are having trouble with each other or the kids are having problems with on of our parents) that my standards for my dad are so very low.  The shrink wanted me to phrase what I wanted from my dad, rather than what I didn't want.  And I was like, 'well, what I want may not be realistic and I'm not going to cut down on relatedness to my dad because he won't give me what I want.'  But he had me work on what I wanted:  my dad to have kindness and empathy for me and to cherish me.  Yup.  That's the big thing this girl would like more than anything else: her dad to cherish her.  And I don't think he will.  He is too busy being 'genuine' (and he tries to make it sound like he is a better person than other people for being 'genuine') to worry about being kind.  He is genuinely an asshole right now.

Nate cherishes me, but he is so fucking busy!  I found myself cutting back on seeing other people (even though we have neither slept together, nor had a conversation about not seeing other people) and now I'm really wondering if I can have a relationship where I get to see someone once a week and have text messages in between but not even phone calls.

There are 2 men who are pursuing (does anyone else spell that as persue and then have spell check change that to peruse?  Oy--I'm too tired to be blogging) me pretty hard, and I'm kind of exhausted by each one.  I e-mailed both (whom I've avoided contacting for several days) and said "I'm just too overwhelmed to meet right now" and they both got "no you're not" and I'm like Annie Oakley (Yes I am!).

I keep trying to sleep and keep getting woken up by my angst around my dad.  I keep wishing I could say the thing that would make him decide he genuinely wants his family in his life and he will want to be aware of their needs too.

Birthday, Part 2.

So, I'm a little embarrassed, but my best friend and I flew to NYC for the weekend for my birthday, because I wanted to see Hugh Jackman.

Jackman was amazing.  Funny, sexy, charismatic, charming, with a great voice.  He does it all effortlessly (and even does his own tap-dancing).

And it made me sad.  Made me sad that a highlight of my birthday is seeing someone else perform.  I would rather have had someone to spank me.

That said, Nate and I have been seeing more and more of each other.  Maybe we'll celebrate my birthday next week.

I say it's my birthday...

And I'm really rather blue about it.  42.  What is the big deal?  And yet, somehow, this year, it is hitting me.  I'm 42 and I'm single.

And, I went to John's memorial on what would have been his 42nd birthday.  I am now older than John was.  Maybe that is why this one is hitting me.

I do feel like it will affects how men view me.  42.  I don't look it.  I really don't.  At the 'scene' party, the one guy I talked to thought I was in my 20s.  But the lighting wasn't that great.  But even when the lighting is, everyone seems to think I look 32.  I have had 1 grey hair, total.  It was in my right eyebrow.  I plucked it out in 1994 and it never reappeared.  I notice that under my eyes there are very faint wrinkles from smiling, but you can only see them in my 12x, lighted magnifying mirror.

But I moisturize like crazy.  And when I don't moisturize, I can really see the difference in my skin.  That wasn't true when I was younger.

42.  Supposedly, my body is less fertile by the hour.  42.  How did that happen?

I seem to have wasted my youth on an education, when I should have been partying, drinking and fucking.  42. I have now been able to drink more of my life (legally) than I haven't.  42.  Not only am I out of it when it comes to most popular culture (who is this Kardasian?  And why do people care?  I assume she is gorgeous, tall, with long hair and big breasts, but I couldn't pick her out of a Maxim line-up.  A group of clients were talking about Jersey Shore and I asked them what they liked about it because I honestly couldn't imagine why it was popular.  It felt like 'when I was their age' people had to at least have a little talent to be a C-list celebrity.)

I actually feel like my life is pretty good.  At 42.  But I feel like what I feel isn't nearly as important to the dating game as how men view me.  And with internet dating, age is the very first thing they view.  And 42 is old for a single woman.  Most men assume there is something wrong with me, for never having been married.  I'm happy to date men who are 10 years older than me (if they are taking care of themselves), but not 20 years older than me.  And right now, I get a lot more 57 year olds making passes at me than 47 year olds.  And half the men who claim they are 47 years old seem closer to 60.

Well, I'm still interested in Nate.  And he is 5 years older than I and seems very fine with my age.

Adoption and Acceptance

I can't help but notice that the ex, Bobby and the vanilla Republican from last year were all adopted.  John was in and out of foster homes and his mother kicked him out when he was 14.  Nate has adopted a child.

This seems statistically anomalous, and so I wonder if there is a pattern.

Clearly, the sense of not fitting in resonates deeply with me, which is odd because I had what, from the outside, should have seemed like a story-book home.  It wasn't, of course.  But it certainly had more stability and I had a lot of love from the first day I was born until I was 4 years old and became "the problem child."  And even at that point, I still had a stability and continuity.  I have an acquaintance who's mother died in childbirth and she was put up for adoption and adopted within a month, and she feels that loss incredibly strongly.  It is a defining even in her life.  I don't have any reason to feel that way.

It's just that I'm a freak who didn't fit in.

Clearly, something in me is attracted to, or draws in men that didn't stick with their origin family.  I don't know what that is, but I think it links to seeing the pain in a soul.

Nate wasn't adopted.  Nate didn't feel like a freak and didn't struggle to find a family or create an identity.  And Nate found it in his heart to adopt a baby girl.

He and I have been fooling around. Almost enough to make me wish I'd be in town for my birthday this weekend.  It would be nice to be spanked on my birthday.

But here's the thing:  I like Nate.  My body likes Nate.  I can totally enjoy fooling around with him.  And then I'm totally OK if he goes.  I'd totally go out with him again (and I assume he'll call--he texted me after he left last night to tell me what a wonderful time he had), but while I enjoy him when I'm with him, it isn't changing how I view life.  It isn't making me turned on all the time.  (After Bobby and I went out, I felt turned on all day long.)  It isn't making me grin.  I enjoy him when I'm with him.  But I'm not looking forward to the prospect of seeing him.

I hope that will come. I do think if we have sex, I'll begin to like him more. Intellectually, it would be lovely to be with someone who wanted to make a home for others, rather than search for the home he had lost.

When breaking up is impossible....

I realized today that if any other man in the world treated me the way my dad treats me, I would break up with him.

All day, I've had to blink back tears and fight to stay focused.

And I wonder how much I expect men to let me down has to do with the fact that my dad has often let me down.  No man has ever, in my entire life, made me his first priority.  Never.

Obviously, I'm not going to break it off with my dad.  I love him.  If I were to cut him out of my life right now, I think I would really regret it if he dies before I do (which, obviously is probable).

But I guess I just have to make sure I don't let him too close to me.

And I guess I have to make sure that I don't count on him, because I can only count on him to let me down unless he just doesn't feel like it.

And somehow, or other, I have to make sure that that doesn't poison my ability to be joyous and open with other men.

I'm cooking for Nate tomorrow night.  I don't really like the idea of letting him in my apartment, because look at what happened in a restaurant.  But I didn't want him to have to pay another $80 to take me out to dinner, and I knew he wouldn't let me take him to a hole-in-the-wall kind of place, and, let's be honest, look at what happened in the restaurant, so why not come some place where we can be a little more leisurely.  I already told him that the fact we're eating at my place doesn't mean anything more will happen.  But I think we both know that tomorrow night will involve oral sex.

And then he'll go home to the other woman in his life.  Because his priorities are exactly where they should be. And while I'd love to wake up in his arms, I accept that that won't happen until we are enough of an 'item' for me to meet his daughter.

He says he adores me.  He thinks I'm beautiful.  As beautiful as any model (which is quite sweet because I'm actually of average height and average size, and in my 40s. Actually--I kind of look like a younger, cuter version of Hugh Jackman's wife.)  He was unwilling to accept my statement that I am beautiful but not 'conventionally attractive" and started telling me how beautiful I am.

There isn't the frisson that I felt with Bobby or John.  There isn't the intellectual 'this-is-a-kindred-spirit.'  But I'm having fun and enjoying him. And maybe that will come.

Wouldn't it be bizarre if I was using Nate to get over John and John to get over my dad?

Daddy's Girl, part 7314

(N.B. So I write about blowing a guy in the bathroom and my stats go up by 900%.  It would seem that a sex blog about sex might be more popular than a sex blog about angst.  But I must say, if you're someone who read my blog for the first time because I wrote about blowing a guy in a restaurant, you have really low standards for erotica.  I would recommend the Anne Rice Beauty trilogy and Safe Word by Molly Weatherfield.)


So, I have daddy issues.  Duh.  For the last three years my dad and I have been planning a trip to Europe and my dad and I were planning enough for next summer that I had started to organize work around it.  Today, my dad cancelled on me.  And he did it rather cavalierly.  There was something he would rather do and he wasn't sure if he was in good enough physical shape.  He is now feeling strong enough and so, there it is.

I was devastated, more by the cavalier way he presented it than by the actual cancellation, which I had been somewhat prepared for.  (He has cancelled several other years on this same trip.  I had given him numerous outs before this point but he didn't take any of the outs before this.)

My dad hates it if I reason with him.  And then he accused me of 'guilt-tripping' him and then I just started breaking down, weeping all over.  Which of course makes me feel like shit.  Horrible.  I've been off the phone for an hour and I still feel like I've been run over.  Interestingly, it actually made my dad stop being so matter-of-fact and look at the fact that he has routinely cancelled on me and I am continually feeling like I'm his back-up plan.

I wonder to what extent I assume men will just cancel on me and assume I'm their 2nd best option because my dad always treats me that way.  I wonder if I bring men into my life who will do this because it feels familiar to me.

I don't always buy into the psychoanalytical stuff because it feels to me like I am pretty aware of my patterns and that awareness doesn't seem to change them.  I don't know how to change what I feel and I wonder if I'll be always that little 5-year-old girl brushed to the side.

That kind of girl...

In some ways I have allowed that kind of girl to define me.  As in NOT that kind of girl.  For example, not the kind of girl that would kneel in the bathroom of a fancy restaurant and give the guy she was there with a blowjob.  Definitely not that kind of girl.

Except....

So things have progressed with Nate more, and in different ways, than I would have predicted.  And now you all know what kind of girl I am.

I'm not sure what that means.  Nate has said on multiple occasions that he adores me.  (And he says how beautiful I am all the time.)  And if he actually continues to cherish me, than I'm happy to be a 'partner in crime.'    I have this idea that men don't cherish women that they do that kind of thing with at least not women that do that that quickly(and not that anyone is counting, except of course me, this was our 3rd date).

I do have to say that Nate and I flirt and caress and his hands go up my skirt and I pull them down and then he orders me to do something and I usually do.  But, I don't yet know what all else he and I have in common.  I feel like his values are good.  His politics are good.  He is clearly smart.  But we don't really seem to get into all of that.  I mean we do some.  I know about the travails of his daughter and schools and what not.  And it seems like his daughter and his work are the majority of his life right now.

I realized after my post this morning, that moment in Avatar where the characters say "I see you," that was a somewhat cheesy rendition of something that is very important to me.  That sense of being seen for who I am.

Bobby read my profile on CM and said it was the best profile he'd ever read.  Maybe he says that to all the girls, but I doubt it.  Bobby got how much more personal my profile is than a picture of my tits ever would be.  I actually have a picture of me looking really very cute in my little sexy-German-waitress Halloween costume, but I didn't put it up because I feel like if I did, no one would see me for me.  As Caroline would say "that sorrow deep inside you is inside me too."

I guess I'm willing to be the kind of girl that blows her boyfriend in the bathroom of a fancy restaurant.  But only if he sees all the parts of her.  I want more emotional intimacy to go with the physical kind.

Now the other issue is why the hell was I thinking "I'm not that kind of girl" while I was being that kind of girl?  I would like to think that I don't buy into the negative stereotypes about women who own their own pleasure, but clearly, if that is what is going through my head, I have some of those stereotypes.  I don't think I judge other women that way (although I will confess I have a friend who bragged that he had hit the 10,000 hook-ups number and I had a really hard time with that--I'd never sleep with him (as he is gay), but it did kind of make me do a double-take), but I do have this rather inner-puritan, along with my inner-submissive.

The pain in your soul....

So Bobby IMed me this week. Super sweet.  Kind.  And my entire being just craved him.  I felt like that scene from Hedwig:

I've only ever felt that way with John and Bobby.  "The pain in your soul was the same as the one in mine."  My entire life, John and Bobby are the only men where I just felt like I recognized in each of them a kindred spirit.  And, well, neither worked out.

And when Bobby wrote me this week, and it is clear he's fucking women he doesn't love, and it feels like we could truly love each other.  We could be ballasts, letting the other dream taller.

I know it isn't about me.  But I feel like if I were somehow different, Bobby would want to give it a try. Or maybe it is about me.  I don't understand how it is possible to glimpse a kindred soul and not give it a try.  But maybe Bobby didn't feel that.

Fuck, I'm crying just thinking about it.  And I have a date with Nate this afternoon.  And he is seeming more and more sweet.  And we'd be sexually compatible, that is quite clear.  And we have similar life goals.  And I'm comparing him to Bobby.  Which is hilarious, because Nate seems to actually want to have a relationship and he lives walking distance from me, and he clearly sees in my both the girl he could fuck until the paint cracked and the woman he could bring home to meet his mother and his daughter.  If I compare him to Bobby, it should make Nate look fantastic.  And yet, it makes me feel like Nate is great on paper, but he isn't a kindred soul.  But maybe he'll become one?  Maybe we'll start to talk about the stuff under the surface?  He is clearly spiritual, and I'm not (which he knows and didn't disappear).

Or maybe I'm enough of a freak that I'll never meet another one.  How do I dream smaller?

It is was funny--Nate asked the last time I fooled around with a man, It was Bobby, of course.  But I qualified it as "messed around with clothes on? Or off."  Bobby touched me so much more deeply.  Fortunately, I gave the dates and Nate did not ask the details.

This all is completely unfair to Nate.  Nate seems like a great guy.

Why does recognizing that "the pain in your soul is the same as the pain in mine" so important to me?  What about not having that aching pain deep inside.  Maybe not being fucked up would be better than articulating the ways I'm fucked up.  But I am fucked up.  And not being able to go there with someone (or not knowing how) means that I never quite feel real in a relationship until I can go there.

If Nate and I do work out, I think I'll quit blogging for a bit.  It seems somehow wrong to blog about him, about how I feel about sex, and keep that from him.  And I don't see how I could share something like this with him, which of course means I don't see how I could have this part of me understood and accepted by him.  Of course, maybe this part of me could come out through gentle, after-morning-sex conversations.  I don't know.  But I've never been able to articulate face-to-face as easily as I can in writing.

Maybe if Nate and I fool around in the next couple of weeks, my plan to actually get over Bobby will work.  Or maybe Bobby will decide he wants to risk being hurt and have a go.  Which seems about as likely as Hugh Jackman leaving his wife and picking me.

Dumb Blond

So Bobby sent me a sweet text message  to say "My two cents--re Mark et al., always show your intelligence with a dominant. It only make you more beautiful..."

And that was part of why I liked Bobby so damn much.  Most men see intelligence and either they are scared of it, or I think they are scared of it, and I do my best to dim it.  It doesn't help that I have a high-pitched voice and bouncy blond hair.  For years, everyone thought I was dumb and I had to prove myself for people to think I wasn't dumb.  Now, I think people don't make that assumption as much, but that need to prove myself still exists sometimes.

But there is also this deep insecurity that it is something wrong with me.  When I was young, I'm guessing I was 9 and my brother was 6, he told a dumb joke and I said something about it being dumb.  (Wasn't I a nice big sister!)  My grandmother took me aside and didn't talk to me about being nice, she said "A lady always laughs at a gentleman's jokes."  Somehow that stuck with me.  To this day, I always laugh at their jokes.  Even when they're offensive. (Not racist jokes, but I laugh at nasty jokes about women that make me cringe.)

I was talking with a friend about Bobby and realized that I often play dumb at work too!  Not so much in my current job (although I am very aware of shutting up a lot at my current job and trying not to seem too opinionated.  I often avoid getting information because the more information I have, the more opinionated I'll be.  For political reasons, I really can't afford to piss off a couple of people.  But that is more strategic about keeping my job and what I can change and what I can't.)  But I put myself through college and law school by working as a secretary.  And, for the most part, my least favorite part of any job was the playing dumb part.  Finally, my last year of law school, I was less scared about keeping my job and I stopped playing dumb.  I started to get bounced around from boss to boss, and then I got put with a boss that every other secretary hated working for.  He and I clicked (nothing romantic).  He started giving me more and more projects and less and less secretarial work.  While I was paid as a secretary I was doing way more than most secretaries do (I really didn't care because this job was super-flexible about my hours, both what I set as a regular schedule and letting me take days off when I needed to study) and he ended up getting a 2nd secretary so I could do projects, which were WAY more fun.  (At the end, he tried to get me out of the secretarial job, into a junior-level job that would have paid more money the first year than I'll ever make in the non-profit world,, but I'd finished law school and knew I didn't want to stay in corporate finance.)

So, if this in analogous to dating:  I was right that being me, without pretending to be someone else, made it harder to keep my job.  But I did keep my job.  And I found a boss who appreciated and recognized my talents.  And I enjoyed work more.

I am trying to figure out what it was that made me play dumb with Mark, because I really try not to do that anymore.  (My profile is totally written with a subtext that says "hey, I'm interested in ideas, and if you can't keep up intellectually, you will bore me.)  At the beginning, I can be kind of obnoxious about it.  But, once I kiss someone, I seem to want to please him.  And if he doesn't send hints before I've kissed him, I'm less likely to be evaluating him all the time.

With Mark, I think playing dumb started after I said something obnoxious about some of the contract workers I was overseeing, like "I don't know how anyone can live with the high stress and low pay--they're doing a great job, but we are paying them nothing" forgetting that he fell into that category at one of his jobs, which made me feel apologetic.  Then I didn't want him to think that I didn't value his work, so I think I said a couple of put-down things about my work. I believe that is where it started.  He then "joked" several times about my career not being as important as his.   (I should mention, Mark also works part-time as a commercial real estate agent, and he probably makes more money in his part-time job than I do in my full-time job, but it is clear he prefers, the industry we're both in and he is applying for lots of jobs like mine, but because he doesn't have the JD, it seems unlikely (to me) that he'll get a job like mine.)

I think the discrepancy in our jobs and the fact that I don't see his contract job as equal to mine made me more willing to play dumb.  We're basically doing the same thing, but I oversee people like him and get paid about 3 times as much as people like him.  Instead of confronting that head-on, I started to act like less competent and like it was just luck (and there is some luck, but the whole 'what kind of degree and what sacrifices we made to get our degree' wasn't actually luck).  The other fact is that Mark really wasn't interested in my interests, and I wasn't interested in Mark's interests (Poker and football).  This weekend, he was watching a football game and his team was doing really well. About 5 'minutes' before the end of the game, I commented that it looked like they were doing well, and he was annoyed with me for 'jinxing' them.  (They did win, so he said I was lucky and he wouldn't punish me, but that was really over the line for me and made me feel like I wouldn't even try to get interested in football because I'd say the wrong thing.)

So I'm pretty clear that I won't see Mark again.  And I'm playing dumb less often.  But that is a weakness I can often fall into.

Ready to Flee

So Mark is really beginning to annoy me, and I have to figure out if that is because I'm looking for a subconscious excuse to not have something work, or if he really is being annoying.

Mark and I work in the same set of Not-for-Profit groups.  I have  J.D. and Mark has an MSW. I work full-time at one organization and Mark works for a couple of organizations as a contractor. I probably get paid more; I certainly have a more stable and prestigious job.

Mark is often talking about me doing some of his work for him.  I really can't tell if he is joking or not. At one point I said "I have a big project I have to finish" and he texted "Oh, who cares about that. :)"  So, yes he was joking at that point, but it is just this constant nag and I don't like it.   I had a nice big bonus this month and he joked (I think) about how I could buy him a nice present with that (instead I paid off some of my student loans).  Today he was like "Oy--I had a rough day.  Wish I had someone here to spank" and that dynamic just really wouldn't work for me.  It feels to me like he just keeps talking about how I will service him in ways that aren't sexual and I'm really finding it off-putting.

The other issue is that Mark wants to be a 'mentor' but, frankly, I think he is at least as much in need of a little push to have enough self-discipline so his life looks the way he wants it to.  He and I both have had an interest in writing, but he gave it up and plays poker to feel the time.  I really have a hard time respecting that decision.  (I have a chip on my shoulder about poker, I know that.  I try to think of it as playing video games, which I'm mildly more tolerant of, but the whole losing a thousand dollars in a night, or more, even if it isn't my money, really rubs me the wrong way.  It sounds like Mark isn't looking more than $500 a night, but it still rubs me the wrong way.)  I do feel like Mark is stuck.  Well, I have to go watch Gossip Girl (a secret that is ever better kept than kink--no one knows I watch that!)   So yeah, it is totally hypocritical of me to judge him for playing poker.  Except I watch as many hours of Gossip Girl in a year as he plays poker in a week.  And I'm setting and achieving some of my longish term goals, and Mark just seems stuck. Do I need to look up to a man I'm involved with?  Does it make a difference if he wants me to look up to him?

I should mention one more thing:  Mark pays for everything when we go out.  I'd be happy to pay for something, but don't really know how without planning something (which hasn't seemed appropriate) or inviting him over to my place, which I'm not ready to do.  (I will say that I just assume men will get the first few dates.  Usually I start to get theatre tickets and other treats like that after a few dates, but Mark and I have different enough interests that I don't really know what I could treat him to that he might enjoy.)

Part of me think that this is a silly excuse to stop seeing someone, but it is getting under my skin.  Maybe I just want to be single and I'm looking for an excuse.  Who knows?

So, gentle readers--anyone have a strong feeling one way or the other?  I have to say that soliciting advice off my blog seems a really bad sign to me.  But maybe I'm just avoiding intimacy, and I don't have enough distance to see that.

In Vino, Veritas

I'm totally tipsy.   I'm tipsy on a Sunday afternoon is because I had brunch with one of my gay friends and then we went and sang karaoke.  After all the dates this week, that was the highlight.  We sang "Express Yourself."

Does the fact that I adored this song when I was younger mean the song affected what I think of as real intimacy?  How important is sharing feelings?  Vulnerabilities?  With Bobby, I talked about an idea I was exploring, but it was a cover for being vulnerable; he picked up on that and we just had a real level of intimacy.  But maybe that is better left for a therapists office.  It never does seem to work in a romantic relationship when I share personal stuff quickly.  As Stew said:

The real is a construct
It's the raw nerve's private zone
It's a personal sunset
You walk off into alone. 

It does seem my desire for "le real" never works out the way I'd hope.


I came home today and it was all I could do not to drunk-text Bobby.  Because Bobby is the only straight man I've been out with since John that could express himself. Is it '2nd best' to be with someone who doesn't go immediately to that terrain?  It has been months--why the fuck am I still comparing men to Bobby?  Especially why am I comparing men who are actually single, not Bobby's fake "I have a TPE slave but I'm single" single, and yet I find the men I'm dating wanting?  WTF?  Do I have Buddy's Blues?

I have two (TWO!) perfectly good men who want to see me.  And I went out with both of them on Friday (the other men this week don't even merit a blog mention--why all these men think they can lie about their age, or are men just aging much worse than women?).  Lunch was with "Nate" and dinner was with "Mark."  First date with Nate, 2nd with Mark.  Nate took me out for lunch, sat next to me, kept petting, pawing, touching, flirting, trying to French kiss me, and I kept not letting it turn into an open-mouth kiss (although part of me I wanted to).  Afterwards, he walked me to my car and pushed me against a wall and  grabbed my hair and pulled my head back and that little wild animal inside calmed down and said "Oh, now I know my place..."  Nate was all over me, but I kept pushing his hands back, and I liked that.  I liked being wanted.  I liked being tamed in that moment.  He respected, but he kept pushing the boundaries.  In some ways, he reminds me of Bobby.  Very exuberant.  Has a daughter and seems very engaged in being a dad.  But he couldn't, or rather he didn't talk about anything that felt substantive 

Dinner was with Mark, and then we went for a lunch. I French kissed Mark back.  2nd date. I played dumb for him.  I haven't done that for a while.  But he wants so much to be wiser than me, and it isn't that important to me.  I know this will bite me in the long run.  I can play dumb for a couple of months, but sooner or later, it will piss me off.  I'm not even sure he wanted me to play dumb, just not as smart as him.  But I seem to only have 2 settings--me and dumb.  If I'm not me, then I can't seem to graduate my level of ditziness.  I actually twirled my hair in my fingers, giggled and said "you do know this is my natural hair color, don't you?"  I was charming.  And disgusting.

After dinner, an expensive dinner with a bottle of wine we went for a walk.  It was cold with the water coming off the water, but lovely.  A half a mile from John and my old haunts, but I didn't even think about John. Eventually we sat on a bench.  We made out.     It's OK for a lady to french kiss on a 2nd date, is it not?  But my heart wasn't in it.

I think I can't kiss 2 men in one day.  It just feels odd to me.

I'll keep seeing both.  Nate is no question, but Mark, well, the thing is, he actually is as smart as me.  He just isn't smarter.  But that is a rare quantity.  I don't think Mark and I will possibly have a future, but do I have to make that decision now?  As long as neither man forces the issue, why the hell shouldn't I see both.  I'm not going to sleep with both, but why not have some fun?

Truth be told, I have been wishing Bobby would decide he wanted something more, that he wanted me.  But I realize, that really isn't going to happen.  I'm sure that someday he will fall in love with someone and reevaluate his choices, but that someone isn't going to be me, and he isn't going to allow himself to consciously fall in love.  And who knows.  Maybe Nate will talk about his emotions.  Or maybe men who are less fucked up are less aware of their emotions.

Negotiations

So the guy I'm seeing tomorrow night, whom I also saw last week, sent me directions for tomorrow, and I was like "yeah, so not ready."

But I talked to him about them, and that actually worked quite well.  This whole saying what I'm thinking and feeling seems to work with him.

I don't think I'd look up to him.  He seems very much an equal. We are actually in similar fields, but I'm more successful in our field, so he works part-time in our field and part-time in a 2nd field.  He plays a lot of poker, which I'm really not comfortable with.

It's if funny--I really did feel like Bobby was wiser than me.  Aside from the fact that I thought he was doing something that was soul-numbing.  Poker isn't quite as soul-numbing as my perception of what Bobby was doing, and yet I see him more as an equal.  I don't really know why that is happening.  I think it is because Bobby was quite open about feelings and introspective stuff and this guy is more part of the mainstream of America.  He doesn't talk about his feelings.  He watches TV and follows sports and plays poker, which is all stuff that I tacitly look down on.  But he doesn't seem as addicted to poker as the 'ex' was.  And maybe feeling equals would be a good thing.  Or maybe, I'm just aching for someone to spank me on my birthday next weekend and that would be the third date, so....

Craving....

I thought about nothing other than sex today.  Listening to clients and suppliers at work, all I wanted was to kneel at someone's feet--Bobby?  the guy from last week? John? the guy trying to get me to buy stuff?  a colleague?

It's odd--I actually have my period right now.  Usually right around when I'm ovulating, I'll get this craving for sex.  Or not sex, for being sexy.  I think it is my body saying "mate!"  I usually deal with it by going for a brisk walk at night.  Give me some cheesy 80s music and I own the city.  But this wasn't about being sexy. This was about being owned.  I'll have to be careful on Friday not to go home with that man.  I'm a little shocked at the depth of my craving!

Overwhelmed

I generally have a rule that I try not to have more than 3 dates in a week.  I just feel like I get overwhelmed.  I had 5 last week and 5 this.

I'm literally thinking I might have to make a sheet of everyone I'm talking to.  It came to a head today when I agreed to a date with one guy when I thought I was talking with a different guy.  (One is Greg, one is Craig and I thought I was talking to Craig, not Greg.  I think I wanted to have lunch with Greg, but I would have put him off till next week because we haven't been planning on something.  Now I have both a lunch and a dinner date for Friday, and I'm exhausted!

But I suppose this all is "good problems to have."  One of them is a second date, and, shockingly, on the first date he said he wanted to see me again and I said only if he asked me more questions.  He said "I have this flaw around beautiful women--I talk too much.  And you are very beautiful."  And then he proceeded to ask me some questions about me.  It was sweet and also good that I actually seem to be getting more of a backbone! If we make it to a 3rd date, I'll give him a nom-de-blog.

It seems like the more of a backbone I have, the more attractive men see me.  I had a woman at work say something really bitchy to me yesterday and it totally cut into me.  Much more than I'd care to admit.  (We had Halloween candy at work and I had 2 small pieces--super small, not even the 'fun size'--like the minis.  She said "you shouldn't be eating candy" and I waited till no one was around and asked her to not comment on my food because this is not the first time she has criticized my food.  I said "I am going to have a couple of pieces of candy on Halloween, or else I'll feel deprived" and she said "Overweight people are not deprived."  She is the only person in my life who treats me like that.  She's like 70 and probably weighs more than I do.  I know this is about her and not me.  But it still really hurt my bubbliness.  But I seem to have bounced back today.  But I do wonder at both the amount of male attention I'm getting and how much I appreciate it!