When breaking up is impossible....

I realized today that if any other man in the world treated me the way my dad treats me, I would break up with him.

All day, I've had to blink back tears and fight to stay focused.

And I wonder how much I expect men to let me down has to do with the fact that my dad has often let me down.  No man has ever, in my entire life, made me his first priority.  Never.

Obviously, I'm not going to break it off with my dad.  I love him.  If I were to cut him out of my life right now, I think I would really regret it if he dies before I do (which, obviously is probable).

But I guess I just have to make sure I don't let him too close to me.

And I guess I have to make sure that I don't count on him, because I can only count on him to let me down unless he just doesn't feel like it.

And somehow, or other, I have to make sure that that doesn't poison my ability to be joyous and open with other men.

I'm cooking for Nate tomorrow night.  I don't really like the idea of letting him in my apartment, because look at what happened in a restaurant.  But I didn't want him to have to pay another $80 to take me out to dinner, and I knew he wouldn't let me take him to a hole-in-the-wall kind of place, and, let's be honest, look at what happened in the restaurant, so why not come some place where we can be a little more leisurely.  I already told him that the fact we're eating at my place doesn't mean anything more will happen.  But I think we both know that tomorrow night will involve oral sex.

And then he'll go home to the other woman in his life.  Because his priorities are exactly where they should be. And while I'd love to wake up in his arms, I accept that that won't happen until we are enough of an 'item' for me to meet his daughter.

He says he adores me.  He thinks I'm beautiful.  As beautiful as any model (which is quite sweet because I'm actually of average height and average size, and in my 40s. Actually--I kind of look like a younger, cuter version of Hugh Jackman's wife.)  He was unwilling to accept my statement that I am beautiful but not 'conventionally attractive" and started telling me how beautiful I am.

There isn't the frisson that I felt with Bobby or John.  There isn't the intellectual 'this-is-a-kindred-spirit.'  But I'm having fun and enjoying him. And maybe that will come.

Wouldn't it be bizarre if I was using Nate to get over John and John to get over my dad?