In Vino, Veritas

I'm totally tipsy.   I'm tipsy on a Sunday afternoon is because I had brunch with one of my gay friends and then we went and sang karaoke.  After all the dates this week, that was the highlight.  We sang "Express Yourself."

Does the fact that I adored this song when I was younger mean the song affected what I think of as real intimacy?  How important is sharing feelings?  Vulnerabilities?  With Bobby, I talked about an idea I was exploring, but it was a cover for being vulnerable; he picked up on that and we just had a real level of intimacy.  But maybe that is better left for a therapists office.  It never does seem to work in a romantic relationship when I share personal stuff quickly.  As Stew said:

The real is a construct
It's the raw nerve's private zone
It's a personal sunset
You walk off into alone. 

It does seem my desire for "le real" never works out the way I'd hope.


I came home today and it was all I could do not to drunk-text Bobby.  Because Bobby is the only straight man I've been out with since John that could express himself. Is it '2nd best' to be with someone who doesn't go immediately to that terrain?  It has been months--why the fuck am I still comparing men to Bobby?  Especially why am I comparing men who are actually single, not Bobby's fake "I have a TPE slave but I'm single" single, and yet I find the men I'm dating wanting?  WTF?  Do I have Buddy's Blues?

I have two (TWO!) perfectly good men who want to see me.  And I went out with both of them on Friday (the other men this week don't even merit a blog mention--why all these men think they can lie about their age, or are men just aging much worse than women?).  Lunch was with "Nate" and dinner was with "Mark."  First date with Nate, 2nd with Mark.  Nate took me out for lunch, sat next to me, kept petting, pawing, touching, flirting, trying to French kiss me, and I kept not letting it turn into an open-mouth kiss (although part of me I wanted to).  Afterwards, he walked me to my car and pushed me against a wall and  grabbed my hair and pulled my head back and that little wild animal inside calmed down and said "Oh, now I know my place..."  Nate was all over me, but I kept pushing his hands back, and I liked that.  I liked being wanted.  I liked being tamed in that moment.  He respected, but he kept pushing the boundaries.  In some ways, he reminds me of Bobby.  Very exuberant.  Has a daughter and seems very engaged in being a dad.  But he couldn't, or rather he didn't talk about anything that felt substantive 

Dinner was with Mark, and then we went for a lunch. I French kissed Mark back.  2nd date. I played dumb for him.  I haven't done that for a while.  But he wants so much to be wiser than me, and it isn't that important to me.  I know this will bite me in the long run.  I can play dumb for a couple of months, but sooner or later, it will piss me off.  I'm not even sure he wanted me to play dumb, just not as smart as him.  But I seem to only have 2 settings--me and dumb.  If I'm not me, then I can't seem to graduate my level of ditziness.  I actually twirled my hair in my fingers, giggled and said "you do know this is my natural hair color, don't you?"  I was charming.  And disgusting.

After dinner, an expensive dinner with a bottle of wine we went for a walk.  It was cold with the water coming off the water, but lovely.  A half a mile from John and my old haunts, but I didn't even think about John. Eventually we sat on a bench.  We made out.     It's OK for a lady to french kiss on a 2nd date, is it not?  But my heart wasn't in it.

I think I can't kiss 2 men in one day.  It just feels odd to me.

I'll keep seeing both.  Nate is no question, but Mark, well, the thing is, he actually is as smart as me.  He just isn't smarter.  But that is a rare quantity.  I don't think Mark and I will possibly have a future, but do I have to make that decision now?  As long as neither man forces the issue, why the hell shouldn't I see both.  I'm not going to sleep with both, but why not have some fun?

Truth be told, I have been wishing Bobby would decide he wanted something more, that he wanted me.  But I realize, that really isn't going to happen.  I'm sure that someday he will fall in love with someone and reevaluate his choices, but that someone isn't going to be me, and he isn't going to allow himself to consciously fall in love.  And who knows.  Maybe Nate will talk about his emotions.  Or maybe men who are less fucked up are less aware of their emotions.