I say it's my birthday...

And I'm really rather blue about it.  42.  What is the big deal?  And yet, somehow, this year, it is hitting me.  I'm 42 and I'm single.

And, I went to John's memorial on what would have been his 42nd birthday.  I am now older than John was.  Maybe that is why this one is hitting me.

I do feel like it will affects how men view me.  42.  I don't look it.  I really don't.  At the 'scene' party, the one guy I talked to thought I was in my 20s.  But the lighting wasn't that great.  But even when the lighting is, everyone seems to think I look 32.  I have had 1 grey hair, total.  It was in my right eyebrow.  I plucked it out in 1994 and it never reappeared.  I notice that under my eyes there are very faint wrinkles from smiling, but you can only see them in my 12x, lighted magnifying mirror.

But I moisturize like crazy.  And when I don't moisturize, I can really see the difference in my skin.  That wasn't true when I was younger.

42.  Supposedly, my body is less fertile by the hour.  42.  How did that happen?

I seem to have wasted my youth on an education, when I should have been partying, drinking and fucking.  42. I have now been able to drink more of my life (legally) than I haven't.  42.  Not only am I out of it when it comes to most popular culture (who is this Kardasian?  And why do people care?  I assume she is gorgeous, tall, with long hair and big breasts, but I couldn't pick her out of a Maxim line-up.  A group of clients were talking about Jersey Shore and I asked them what they liked about it because I honestly couldn't imagine why it was popular.  It felt like 'when I was their age' people had to at least have a little talent to be a C-list celebrity.)

I actually feel like my life is pretty good.  At 42.  But I feel like what I feel isn't nearly as important to the dating game as how men view me.  And with internet dating, age is the very first thing they view.  And 42 is old for a single woman.  Most men assume there is something wrong with me, for never having been married.  I'm happy to date men who are 10 years older than me (if they are taking care of themselves), but not 20 years older than me.  And right now, I get a lot more 57 year olds making passes at me than 47 year olds.  And half the men who claim they are 47 years old seem closer to 60.

Well, I'm still interested in Nate.  And he is 5 years older than I and seems very fine with my age.