Neurotic Intimacy

I really ought to be falling for Nate.  I really, really should.

He is sweet and sexy.  He has called me beautiful more times then probably all the other men I've dated. Combined.  He thinks I'm a great cook.  He thinks I'm a good housekeeper (so clearly he is somewhat smitten with me).  He says I should be a model because I'm more beautiful than any of the models.  My body likes him too.  And then he leaves and that's fine.  I'll see him again, but I'm not smitten.  I have moments of smittenness (smitteness?  How does one spell that?) but it isn't lasting.

Nate seems way too normal for me to fall in love with.  Until he adopted his daughter, I would never have considered him dating material.  He seemed shallow and materialistic.  Since then, he has changed tremendously.  But he has changed mostly in his actions.  He isn't neurotic.

Nate seems to be (and I don't know if this is true) the only African American man I've ever met who has never felt like he has been left out of anything for any reason.  I'm sure he has encountered racism in our society, but he seems to have never experienced racism that bothered him.  He seems so very confident in who he is.  Life is easy and his is happy.  I am not very confident in who I am.  Life hasn't been easy.  I am happy much of the time, but it has been through a ton of introspection.  That sense of not-fitting-in is so core to who I am.  I've never felt like I had an opening to discuss that with Nate.  And as a result, not only do I feel like I'm a generic woman to Nate; I feel like Nate is a generic man to me.

I don't think that intimacy should necessarily be based on being neurotic.  But I'm beginning to think it is for me.

I keep wishing Bobby would change.  Intellectually, I resent the way Bobby treated me.  I feel like I was a pretty butterfly he could collect to observe.  Even his wanting to be friends, after he kissed and kissed and kissed me.  After he told me to think of him whenever I played with myself (and I did).  After he made me start to fall for him, and then said "I never led you on."  (Yeah. Right.)  And yet.  I could talk with Bobby about things that mattered to me.  Nate really likes me, but I can't help but feel like I'm just a generic girl.  Bobby doesn't really like me, but he and I, well we could talk about our souls.

I keep hoping I'll start to fall for Nate.  We haven't slept together yet (although we've done just about everything but sleep together).  We'll probably sleep together soon.  Maybe I'll start to fall for him at that point.

I wonder if I can fall in love with anyone who isn't neurotic.  Even as I think I'd be happier with someone who found life easier.